Boyfriend’s mum disrespects me

[alice_s]

I’ve been dating my bf for 7 months. The second time I met his mum, he and his mum talked about our plan to go to see my family in my hometown. Then his mum showed me a bad attitude on her behaviour and words, said it's dangerous there. Asked me to give her everyone in my family addresses and phone numbers. Talked about the news that a man got scammed by a girl from my country and got killed. If I can’t give her info she needs, no one can go anywhere. My bf was mad at her and they argued a bit then he brought me out then we talked about it. I told him that I feel bad that she disrespected my family. However, in the end I just said that it’s fine, I will forget about it as I don’t want to make him feel bad or overthink.

After that, I still keep seeing his family as much as I could, but this whole month I’ve been feeling unwell both physically and mentally so I couldn’t get to see his family at all, only asked bf to thank them for inviting and apologise for me for not being able to go. Yesterday he argued with his mum about me not being able to go for dinner with them. His mum said I’m trying to avoid them and asked why he always find a girl like this? Cuz his ex was always avoiding his fam and had conflicts with his mum as far as I know. He told her it's not the same but she wasn’t listening but getting angry, told him if I don’t want to be a part of family then don’t have to invite me anymore.
I plan to see them this weekend but after hearing that I don’t feel comfortable seeing her ever again. I told my bf that I won’t go to see his family again since his mum showed me no respect or empathy as a human being especially she knows that I am sick.

My mental health is in severe depression. I don’t want to involve myself in any sort of toxic situation. I told my bf that this time she must acknowledge that I am not someone she could cross the line, and she does need to apologise. He promised to talk to her about this.
I don’t know if my decision to not see his fam after this is best for our relationship? Or what else can I do? He’s a nice person and I don’t want any other people to ruin our relationship.

[Bob_22]

Hi alice_s,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your post. I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a predicament with your boyfriends mother. It sounds like it is taking a strain on your mental health also.

In my experience, when there is tension amongst family and friends it is often best to face this head on. It is probably not ideal to have your boyfriend going in between you both. Have you considered having another follow up conversation with his mother and letting her know how you were offended about the comment regarding your family and their country. I think if you can resolve this with her it would be a good stepping point for you both and this might help ease some of the stress you are feeling. 

A friend of mine does also does relationship counselling with his in laws to ease family disputes as well. This seems to help with his situation and counsellors are good at letting both parties feel heard and validated. Hope that helps.

Bob

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

In these situations I've found that jealousy is often the core of the problem. He's been her little boy and can't bring herself to share him, in fact give him away.

Speculation like this is your own conclusion apart from Bob's direct approach method.

Your bf is in the middle, maybe if he moved out (assuming he lives at home) he'll cut the apron strings and make life easier for both of you. Ps him arguing with his mother could be what she wants in the form of attention. 

TonyWK

[W_Crane]

Sorry when I am a bit more negative...

You are basically quite new to the relationship and his family. It is not normal

- to ask someone to provide all family details like address, telephone number, etc.

- to generalize and say that a certain area is dangerous

- to generalize and accuse people from a certain country even in an unrelated story

- without that info nobody can go to see your family

- the accusation that you avoid them. A normal person would state that he/she is disappointed that you can't come over. Ask how you are? When you have time and when you can come over, etc. Renew the invitation that you can come over any time, etc.

... and asked why he always find a girl like this... by all respect and openness your bf should not relay that to you, in my opinion. 

... if I don’t want to be a part of family then don’t have to invite me anymore... wtf, it's manipulation in its finest.

Sorry there are a lot of red flags and I think your gut feeling is totally correct. The mother/family seems pretty dysfunctional, toxic, etc. I do not want to scare you but with your own mental issues you need a bf with an empathic and welcoming family. Just my thoughts and opinion.

Sorry for the hard words.

[white knight]

W_Crane

Good post. 

TonyWK