What should I do about this?

[Peter8901]

My name is Peter and I'm 22. I have stopped talking to my sister who is 32, we had a fight over text when I called her out on her never making a effort to speak to me or hang out since she moved out of home over a year ago, she ended up blocking me on facebook which I found hurtful. I apologised on snapchat and asked her to add me back but she ghosted me. My sister has always been a narcissist and when gets angry at you she tends to be very mean and gets angered quickly, I feel like if I try talk to her she will just remove me again or say something nasty. I feel like the only option I have with her is just unloading how she made me feel even though  we were close all our lives it was mostly me looking over and making excuses for her bad behaviour out of my own naivety and love for her. But I feel like if she's gonna block me I may as well get my moneys worth and let my last interaction with her be remembered as the truth of what I think of her now. Should I tell her the truth or try be nice in hopes some rare chance she acts normal and admits some fault?

I also stopped talking to my brother. He's 34. We haven't spoken since a family drama involving my parents happened last year. He has a 1 year old daughter and he hasn't once tried to make amends and get me to meet my niece. He still talk to my dad but not me or my mum anymore even tho I had nothing to do with the drama that happened he somehow blamed me for it based on unrelated events that happened 2017 and 2019 where I was getting harrassed by people and when I was having conflicts with the school deputy principal and principal. In conclusion I feel sad and abandoned because I was close with both these people for most of my life. So what would you do in this situation?

[Croix]

Dear Peter~

Welcome back, I hope the years have been kinder to you since you last posted.

Families can be a real problem, and becuse one has been close and love them there is a great temptation to let fly and give members a piece of your mind if they are inconsiderate or hurtful (deliberately or otherwise).

I guess there can be some satisfaction in setting out the truth, however if somebody is already not acknowledging they were wrong then most likely it will drive them further away and not give the apology sought. That can become permanent and perhaps the possibility of a future reconciliation impossible.

I've felt very much like telling some exactly what I thought, but am now less impetuous than I used to be and stop and ask myself what I'm hoping to achieve. If it is just the momentary satisfaction of venting then I try not to. If I genuinely believe my message will stand a very good chance of helping the person see my point of view and bring us closer then I go ahead.

There is nothing wrong with seeing a person clearly for what they have been and currently are. It does not mean you either have to cater to their whims or demands, or cut them off. Just doing what you know is reasonable for your welfare (even if that means keeping your distance) and not forcing issues leaves the door open for things to improve at some time in the future.

Both this brother and sister sound hasty people who are not able to take in their stride the normal give and take of family life and are unable to let things go. Hopefully as they see more of life their attitudes will modify and they'll come to see what is important.

May I ask you you get on with you mum and dad? Having some loving people around you can make a big difference

Croix

[Peter8901]

You made a good point about the give and take aspect in family matters. I for one have always tried to accommodate and get my family to settle differences and be friendly with each other- until I reached a certain age where I found that it was impossible due to them being stubborn, I will talk to my siblings in the near future. I haven't posted here since I think 2017 or 2018, the following 19-21 were good years in my life. 2022 was when the family break downs happened. Sadly im feeling stressed and sick due to poor health at the moment. I have a okay relationship with my parents all things considered, 

Thank you for taking the time to reach out. Take care.

[Croix]

Dear Peter~

I'm glad those years in between have been better ones, and can well understand your reaction when your family starts to scatter. I think one of the worst things might be you can see the reasons are not that important, it is the  behaviour that really causes the trouble.

I'm not surprised you are stressed, not only from dealing wiht poor health, but as someone that tried to hold them all together but them going their own ways despite your best efforts.

Do you think now might be a good time to put your own needs first? I suspect that would be a change.  If talking to these argumentative people is a source of stress maybe it might be worth leaving things for a while. There is a lot to be said for being the calm quiet sensible one that others can approach if they need to - an oasis of peace as it were.

Please let me know what you think

Croix

[Peter8901]

Definetly putting myself first instead of them. I try and avoid talking to them as it depletes my energy and right now I know I dont owe them anything. I've accepted there is no salvaging my relationship with my family.  So for now I'm gonna forget they even exist. 

[Croix]

Dear Peter~

I think that is a sensible decision. Trying to associate with such difficult peole can only have a bad effect, not only hurt and disappointment in their behaviour, but often a time when one unjustly examines one's own behavior and blames oneself (even though there is no reason to).

The only other thing I can say is I"ve found over many years a few people have changed from being how I remember them and relations have improved. Sometimes life's events can make people see what is a lack in their lives and value others more

Croix