Betrayal and humiliation

[tramezzini]

When we first met, our values and morals were completely aligned. Our relationship felt strong, and we built a life together, raising children, sharing responsibilities, and supporting each other. I became runned down from things happening ,life and we talked about it , i didn’t feel like being intimate for a very long time, only on and offs.

The first serious betrayal happened in September, after a big fight. He had left for a week so we could get space.

Despite that, we continued our relationship. On 26/12, we were intimate. At times, I didn’t want sexual contact because I was tired or exhausted from work, family, and daily life, but I offered other forms of intimacy, which he declined. I felt sad that I couldn’t meet all his needs in the way he wanted, even though I was trying.

Then, a few days later, around 3/1, he went to sexual service again. This was shortly after we had spent time together and had been intimate. I discovered this by accident, and it felt like the trust I had was completely shattered. He admitted what he had done and expressed shame, taking responsibility for his actions, but he also said he didn’t know if he would have stopped if I hadn’t found out. That left me feeling scared that this pattern could continue.

He has said that he wanted closeness and intimacy, but still sought sexual services elsewhere. It’s hard to reconcile that he wanted connection with me but also chose secrecy and actions that hurt me.

We have also discussed how his behavior affects our relationship and the children, though they don’t yet know the details. It’s worrying to think about how this impacts their sense of security and trust. He has started taking on household chores and responsibilities for the kids on his own, which I notice.

After 9 years together, it’s hard to understand why these actions happened now. Our intimacy, values, and life together had been strong. Still, these behaviors emerged under stress, exhaustion, and other pressures, showing that patterns and choices sometimes override intentions.

This is the timeline of what has happened, how I felt, and the steps being taken to address it. I’m sharing this to be honest about the process, the hurt, and the attempts at accountability, while also acknowledging how complicated and confusing it all is.

what would you do?

[therising]

Hi tramezzini

So incredibly frustrating at times, to have an emotional connection to someone who has been conditioned to be so disconnected. It's not a problem until it definitely becomes a problem. It can be kind of like with thinking and/or saying (sometimes out of frustration) 'Fine...don't worry...I'll feel more for the kids because you don't feel for them enough. I'll develop the ability to feel for them through the challenges they face' or 'Fine...don't worry...I'll develop a vision of the way forward because you don't want to look at the problems in this relationship' or 'Fine...don't worry...I won't raise the issues behind this challenge we face or these challenges we face because you don't want to feel the issues or the challenges' and on and on it goes. It can get to the point where it's no longer fine and we can be left feeling like we don't really have all that much of a partner who's going to partner with us in a whole number of challenges. The thing is though, in the process of developing so much alone, we develop our natural abilities to feel for others, to see the way forward, to feel the nature of certain challenges and so on. If such abilities begin to develop at an incredibly high level (based on us being forced to develop them), you could say we become super natural at it. Both a blessing and a curse. Before you know it you're gaining a sense of or getting a feel for everyone's emotions, you're seeing worst case realistic scenarios playing out in your imagination (not just what you wish would happen), you're feeling the level of suppression you're actually facing which can feel legitimately depressing. Developing certain abilities can come with so many different challenges. Before you know it, you're questioning 'Why do I feel so much? I never used to be this way. If I was more emotionally disconnected I wouldn't be able to feel or sense a damn thing'. 

Based on what you say, I can imagine (I could be wrong) his way of thinking may be 'She's going to therapy because she needs it. It's got nothing to do with me. She's the one with the problems. I can't feel or see any problems'. A far more liberating and less enraging spin on that is 'I'm determined to make greater sense of my ability to feel everything that's wrong and why I'm suffering so much'. Greater self understanding and self development can be liberating things, especially when we're gaining much needed revelations and confidence.

We're no longer alone when we begin developing a circle of people who are interested in our development. If that circle begins with a therapist and a couple of people on the forums here, the circle has begun to form.❤️

[tramezzini]

It should not be like this.

its been 2 months.

he decided to move on and not try.

isnt it funny 

how men can walk away and move on

while mothers are left with everything.

It wasn’t about anything else but him not being committed 

not being ready

i wasted my life. I dont know how to move from here

kids always seeing me sad

its not fair on them 

its not fair on me

but not fair on them.

[therising]

Hi tramezzini

I feel so much for you and the kids. It definitely doesn't seem fair when someone decides to do what's easiest for them, when the challenge can really be about staying to do what's hard and developing through that.

While he's left you to do all the hard work, is there anyone in your life who can help guide you through it? What resources do you have? While the forums here are one resource, you could consider starting a new thread with the title reflecting the specific kind of guidance you're looking for. Whether that reflects a form of guidance through early separation, financial guidance, legal guidance, emotional and mental guidance, guidance in parenting largely on your own or something else, different people will respond to different threads, based on their expertise or personal experience. 

Sometimes it's hard to know what kind of guidance we're really looking for at times. I find myself in that boat at the moment. Zero idea but I know I need something, as I feel so unbelievably lost. What is it you feel you need, more than anything else right now? Even if it's to work out how to deal with the anger you may be feeling right now, it could be about how to make your way through the anger (making full sense of it while using it to constructively fuel you along this part of your path in life). Maybe it's about the kind of guidance it takes when it comes to looking after your children's mum. At the easiest of times, it's not always completely easy being a mum. At the hardest of times, it can feel so lonely and confusing.

Keep in mind the fact you have never faced this kind of challenge before, so please try not to be too hard on yourself as you trying to navigate completely uncharted territory. Step by step, you'll make your way through this territory while guiding your kids through it too. One single step at a time. Btw, if there are the occasional days where you take no steps at all, that's okay too. It can be incredibly exhausting hard work at times, navigating uncharted territory. 

When our life's traveling companion (partner) has physically, mentally or emotionally left us to go it alone, a new guide or set of guides becomes a must. Btw, it can be hard to stop and ask for directions when we're not entirely sure of which way we need to head. We can't expect ourself to always know and that's okay. ❤️ 

[tramezzini]

Thank you

I am all alone

i have no other family 

[therising]

Hi tramezzini

I'm wondering whether you have a community centre around where you're living. If so, there may be some support services there and/or some brochures that could point you toward the best support group. Visiting your GP and speaking to them about the desperate need for support right now could be another way to go. Not always easy to know exactly the guide/s we need. I have little idea who I need in my life right now, in the way of guidance. Btw, it's more a deeply soulful sense of guidance than anything else. Actually, someone just popped into my head. Some may call him an unconventional guide or be hyper critical of him but at the most challenging times in my life he's always given me the best guidance when I've felt completely and utterly lost, facing going incredibly deep into a depression. He's actually an ex life coach come psychic medium. I know, not everyone's cup of tea. I've only ever seen him a few times in one off meetings over the last 10 years and usually out of absolute desperation. The reason I tell you this is because while the guides we choose can be poo pooed by others, as long as they point us in the right direction then they've given to us exactly what we've been looking for. Keep in mind you're looking for the person who best serves you, not the one that everyone approves of. If the guide you're looking for is a marriage counselor and everyone's saying 'But your marriage is ending, you should be seeing someone different', if they're helping you navigate the end of the marriage then their the right person for you. As I say, hard to know which type of guide we're looking for at times.