Betrayal and humiliation

[tramezzini]

When we first met, our values and morals were completely aligned. Our relationship felt strong, and we built a life together, raising children, sharing responsibilities, and supporting each other. I became runned down from things happening ,life and we talked about it , i didn’t feel like being intimate for a very long time, only on and offs.

The first serious betrayal happened in September, after a big fight. He had left for a week so we could get space.

Despite that, we continued our relationship. On 26/12, we were intimate. At times, I didn’t want sexual contact because I was tired or exhausted from work, family, and daily life, but I offered other forms of intimacy, which he declined. I felt sad that I couldn’t meet all his needs in the way he wanted, even though I was trying.

Then, a few days later, around 3/1, he went to sexual service again. This was shortly after we had spent time together and had been intimate. I discovered this by accident, and it felt like the trust I had was completely shattered. He admitted what he had done and expressed shame, taking responsibility for his actions, but he also said he didn’t know if he would have stopped if I hadn’t found out. That left me feeling scared that this pattern could continue.

He has said that he wanted closeness and intimacy, but still sought sexual services elsewhere. It’s hard to reconcile that he wanted connection with me but also chose secrecy and actions that hurt me.

We have also discussed how his behavior affects our relationship and the children, though they don’t yet know the details. It’s worrying to think about how this impacts their sense of security and trust. He has started taking on household chores and responsibilities for the kids on his own, which I notice.

After 9 years together, it’s hard to understand why these actions happened now. Our intimacy, values, and life together had been strong. Still, these behaviors emerged under stress, exhaustion, and other pressures, showing that patterns and choices sometimes override intentions.

This is the timeline of what has happened, how I felt, and the steps being taken to address it. I’m sharing this to be honest about the process, the hurt, and the attempts at accountability, while also acknowledging how complicated and confusing it all is.

what would you do?

[Herenow]

Hi Tramezzini,

I just woke up with a startling thought and couldn't go back to sleep. 'I hate my wife and also my kids'. I hate her for not being there or caring and being unable to give me what I need. I hate my kids for contributing to the stress. Suddenly my mind has a million extra reasons why I should just go and follow your husbands lead. I'm angry and she deserves it. I'm shocked at myself right now.

[tramezzini]

Herenow- seperate first, then you are free to be with who you want to be.

you will feel worse than now.

all i think of is how this sh**  will affect our kids.

my partner feels remorse and said if you did what i did i would leave.

[therising]

Hi tramezzini

I can understand that you'd have so many mixed emotions, from a sense of hope when it comes to the relationship reforming in more conscious ways through to a sense of hopelessness when discovering the betrayals. Then there's all the other emotions or feelings that must be tearing you apart in a number of ways. My heart goes out to you as you try to gain a sense of the best way forward not just mentally but emotionally too. 

I imagine if my husband and I were in a similar situation that I'd be demanding he be honest with me and himself. I'd perhaps be questioning along the lines of 'What led you to seek excitement somewhere else instead of looking for every possible way to excite us and our relationship? What do you feel or experience emotionally when you go there, when it comes to the high you're after and do you think you've actually become addicted to that high? If you've become an addict, how are you going to address the addiction, especially if simply resisting it just isn't enough to completely stop you?'. I'd have a whole stack of questions beyond these, perhaps with the number one question being 'What was it exactly that led you to betray me in order to serve yourself time and time again?'. If my husband's response to a lot of the questions was 'I don't know', my response to that would be 'Part of your role in this relationship is to become more conscious. I can't tolerate a relationship where my partner refuses to become more conscious or more aware. This just leaves me with someone who's happy to remain half asleep'.  I suppose the goal would be about beginning the marriage again on a whole new level of consciousness, as opposed to continuing with it on the same old disappointing, heartbreaking, depressing, stressful semi conscious level.

As a 55yo gal, it's only in recent years that I've come to see sex as something that involves emotion or energy in motion (that you can feel building up and moving through you). The thing is there has to be some energy there to begin with. While some may say it's all about chemistry (hormones and all that kind of stuff), I more so like to consider it from the natural energy viewpoint. If next to no energy or serious exhaustion of energy is something we can feel as 'numb', how can our partner expect us to go from zero or numb to super excited in a matter of minutes? If we are feeling what 'numb' feels like, it would be nice to think our partner would research extensively 'What creates a spark in someone who's so exhausted or numb that they just can't feel much at all?'. Could take hours or days or even weeks of solid wondering and research or they could go off and experience excitement for themself. The choice is to serve our partner and our relationship or serve ourself. When I mentioned earlier about insisting my husband would be honest with himself, I would question 'Honestly, was it easier to serve yourself than it was to wonder and research extensively in regard to what would come to ignite passion between the 2 of us?'. While you have seriously wondered (through considering someone to mind the kids, for example), he perhaps needs to step up his game.

[tramezzini]

Thanks for your reply therising

it really helps to just write it out. Honestly, it all feels like a blur right now. We’re both in our late 30s, have small kids, and life has been non-stop. I know I haven’t always been into intimacy or wanted it as much, but that’s partly because of everything else — work, the kids, house, all the logistics.

Our communication has been really bad because of stress. We talk, but sometimes it feels like he isn’t really listening. He has always said he loves me and has been affectionate, which is why this betrayal is so shocking. The secret, repeated behaviour hit so hard because it came even when things seemed okay between us. I honestly don’t know how I can move on, and I haven’t even thought about what I’d do if it doesn’t work out. I feel so sorry for the kids — they don’t know anything, and I just want to protect them.

I have told him what I need to start rebuilding trust: full honesty and transparency, taking consistent responsibility for the household and the children without me asking, and communicating openly about feelings without blaming me. These are things he has agreed to do, and some he has already started, but I need consistency.

We’ve decided to do couples therapy, no matter what happens with our marriage. It’s more for the kids and to figure out how to be together for them, even if we aren’t married. I’m trying to figure out how to rebuild trust and feel safe again.

[randomxx]

Hi op and l'm sorry for things happening.

Just wondering though , that last post and through some others, were all about you and what you need and he has to do this has to do that. l know he's the one that's gone of track but there must've been things missing for him too, to even do that and more than just sexual l'd say, he's needing things too.

l hope you can both get to counseling and they can help you both wade through things but l also hope things can be out about what you both need and what he needs from you too and again there'd be more to it than just the sexual is my guess.

l hope you can both work it out though and l also really admire you wanting to get past all this and hopefully save your family to as one.

Good luck with everything

rx

[tramezzini]

Thank you for your kind words. I agree that both people’s needs matter, and I don’t believe this is only about sex. I know there were things missing for him too — exhaustion, stress, communication issues, and disconnection on both sides.

Right now though, the betrayal is very recent and my focus is on rebuilding basic safety and trust. That’s why it may sound like it’s about what I need at the moment.

We are going to counselling, and I fully expect that we will explore both of our needs there, including what he needs from me and what was missing in our relationship. I want us to do this properly — not just patch things up, but really understand what went wrong for both of us.

[therising]

Hi tramezzini

It sounds like you're gradually finding the way forward. I'm hoping counseling can help make the path even clearer for the both of you. When looking back and looking forward in a relationship there can be times where we can be left to wonder 'How the heck did we get to this point and where the heck are we heading?'. It can make living in the now pretty challenging, that's for sure. When it comes to that path, especially with looking back, randomxx mentions something important. How that path looked for both you and your husband may look very different in some ways. It will be interesting to gain each other's perspective through counseling, perhaps helping things to become clearer. Looking forward will be the same I imagine. What you see as a constructive way forward may differ in some ways from what he sees as constructive. Finding the middle way, what works for the both of you, will definitely present some challenge. I've found that rising to certain challenges not only helps in the way of self development or personal evolution, it also helps reveal to ourself who we truly are at times. It's like through the hard work of facing grief can we find how deeply we're capable of loving. Through the hard work of facing a sense of betrayal can we find how deeply we actually did feel a connection we had with someone. Deep dives can reveal so much. They can be so surprising.

When people speak of the hard work in raising kids, they don't always factor in a part of that hard work involving keeping the parents' relationship healthy. This is something you sound incredibly conscious of. What you face is so complex, with so many factors involved. Finding the best guide/s who can help us see the way forward is what can fill our imagination with imagery that can both serve and inspire us. Not being able to see or only being able to see what's painful, stressful or depressing can feel like a form of torture at times.  

[tramezzini]

In the last week I finally felt like things were improving. I even wanted intimacy again because he seemed to be trying — but it only lasted a few days before the old patterns returned.

He forgets what he has done and what we discussed, especially after we are intimate. It feels like after sex, everything is reset for him and the past issues disappear — but for me, they are still very real and unresolved.

When I express that I’m upset, he often:

• Yells at me
• Calls me over-emotional
• Blames me for arguing
• Sends me away or walks off

Recently he told me to “take my space and calm down,” which feels like dismissal rather than empathy. When I try to explain how his actions hurt me, he says I “make an issue out of nothing” and suggests I should have just asked how his day was. When I said I’m upset because he’s been late coming home two days in a row — leaving me to juggle household responsibilities and responsibilities with the kids — he told me I react in “this way and worse” and that this is “the flaw in our relationship.” He even said that if I “can’t have it my way then it’s worth nothing to me.”

At one point he said he might want to find another woman to have children with — something that broke me inside, because hearing that felt like a threat and a rejection.

Now he also doesn’t want to continue or even start couples therapy, even though we never really got there. He says it “doesn’t matter” if we try to fix things.

He told me to stop talking to him, and when I try to shift the focus to something practical like planning our kid’s birthday in a few days, he refuses to engage.

I am heartbroken, not just because of the betrayal, but because of the lack of care, the emotional dismissal, and the patterns that keep repeating. I trusted him — truly — and I believed we could work through challenges together. But it feels like my needs, feelings, and emotional safety are ignored or minimized. He said do you blame me for going to other women?

I don’t want abuse, I don’t want blame, I don’t want to be called crazy for how I feel. I want honesty, accountability, respect, and a partner who remembers what he promises, follows through on commitments, and can stay present in uncomfortable conversations without yelling or shutting down.

I’m posting this because I’m hurt, confused, and unsure what to do next. Financially and with the house and my small kids that i take care of

[therising]

Hi tramezzini

He sounds largely self serving. This is not a criticism merely an observation, based on what you've mentioned. It serves him to not discuss things, it serves him to not address your pain, it serves him to not take the responsibility you want him to take, it serves him to not go to couples therapy, it serves him to not want to have to plan stuff for the kids and the list goes on. For some people, they may admit they didn't realise the level of self development involved in being married and having kids. They didn't realise there was so much challenge and ongoing hard work in some cases. It may get to a point where they just want to start doing what's easiest for them. If it serves them to become emotionally disconnected or shut down, for whatever reason, this is what they'll do because that's what's easiest. 

I think the hardest part of managing all that is being the person who's left to pick up the pieces, being the person who's left to do everything that's not easy or far from easy. My heart goes out to you as you now face what's far from easy. You could stay together and accept living with someone who's become largely self serving or move forward in life in ways the begin to serve you. Both scenarios involve what's far from easy. I feel for you so much. I'm wondering whether you have a good support network around you, including friends and family. You'd need others around you serving you. A circle of 'go to' people could include someone to support and guide you through what's entailed in separation, someone who can help support and guide you emotionally, someone to help support and guide you in managing your children's lives, someone to help guide and support you in beginning to love yourself more in a variety of different ways that feel liberating and strengthening etc etc. I've found one of the most important types of people to have in my life is a seer, someone who can help me see the way forward in the ways that I need to when I feel completely lost and alone in the dark. Just as important is being able to recognise those who are only prepared to see for themself and what serves them. They typically don't make great 'go to' people or guides for others, which is a good reason to not go to them for guidance and support. ❤️

[tramezzini]

appreciate your post.

i am all alone

i have no one.

we will see

i will go to therapy, and maybe he will realise.

he is disconnected because unfortunately thats how he was raised with disconnect

i am seeing more in other couples the same unfortunately