Being caught in the middle of my husbands feelings and my family.

[Olliepop]

over the years, my husband has pointed out traits in my family he didnt like, i am the person who just accepts and moves on. as time went on, any issue i had my husband pointed out to his fmaily, which i didnt like because i felt many times they didnt need to know which only makes things uncomfortable. my husband is direct, and would rather air it out than consider feelings/people/personalities etc.

now over time recently, he has reached out to my dad who has been the root to many issues on my side, this year 4 times in which my dad did not recipicate the hand out to him, my dad was/is a naracaccist, would complain about everyone (includling his family) to everyone, my husband included.

after my dad did what he did over the years to my husband, my husband had enough.. the last event he stormed out at xmas and stated he wouldnt return to anything again. the 4 times my husband reached out, was for me.. and then after that he said no more.

now that its reality my husband has cut them off, they have sadly learnt their lesson too late.. and i see that and my parents have admitted their faults and want to apologies to move on, my husband has again stated no. he never stops me from visiting, he never says a bad word, but he has said no to their contact, to them coming to our home, to our son sleeping over there, to anything that involves them 1 on 1 time with our son etc. its hard, my son loves spending time with them, but he too know whats happened and loves his dad also. now comes an event on my husbands side, who have invited my parents, my husband said there is no reason they shouldnt attend.. .my parents dont want to attend is my husband doesnt feel comfortable even speaking to them. they dont understand how he will be OK with them there if he choose to cut them off. he doesnt understand why they wont go for his families sake. 

all i pray for is for my husband to sit down with them, let out his feelings for them to hear what they have done and move on. im not asking for best friends, nothing could ever be the same again. but my parents are getting older, and i dont want to regret anything as days and people slowly go on in life. my husband states thats his lesson to learn in life, but i feel i recent him for being so stubborn now, but i also understand how he feels too. i have told my parents, its not fair that my husband look like the bad one now when in fact he gave many chances, and now that hes done everyone forgets the person he was before they hurt him. i dont understand how my husband can cut them out like that, esp when they are my family. in the past, my husbands family have bothered me, even though my husband dealtwith them in his own way, i moved on. ;like him i didnt forget, as i have the mentality they are family at the end of the day and its not like i married them and have to live with them. the more i try explain the empathy to let go to my husband the more he cracks back down to no, he tried and will not allow them back. and now sadly, i loose family day at my parents for christmas, all special events, seeing my nephews and nieces grow up and play with my son, many things as those are more important to me then being able to let go.

im struggling to move forward and not think about this daily and have begun resenting my husband and his choice. he cant understand how i feel this way and i feel lost not being able to talk to anyone about it as noone understands and everyone just insists i tell my husband to stop.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

When we find a partner and fall in love the last thing on our minds at that time is whether we are compatible with the family our new love comes from. This is because- yes its nice for our new partner to get along with their in-laws but it isnt essential, if it was then we would make sure they also enjoy each others company as a priority. 

It is a difficult and complex matter and its made more difficult for your husband because he is facing so many expectations. Some partners dont give their in-laws any opportunity at all. Their attitude is "well I am in love with their daughter, I dont need to be friends with them". That is particularly common in second and third marriages where in the past in-laws have been troublesome.  Your husband in his mind gave them many opportunities and it has caused him great stress, much of it unseen I'd suggest (being a male) and has made a decision and it is his right to make such individual decisions for his own well being and happiness. To receive pressure from his wife, as well intended you are, is to cause tension in your marriage which is more hurt for him. You are well intentioned for sure but there are boundaries to not step over or, it could cause consequences. I've seen a couple separate because of in-laws relationships, please be careful.

So, cutting people out of ones life is a drastic decision of which the person has a right to carry out no matter the reason. Yes, ideally if both families are meeting for xmas it would be great for him to attend, but thats an expectation and he's made that choice not to have any contact. Are you understanding the topic I'm highlighting in respect to "rights"?

As for children and how they are impacted, they are more resilient than adults. Many kids like mine have a divided household, separated parents, distant relatives both in how far and low contact but in the same area, they adapt. You cant expect people to put on a happy face and high tolerance for the sake of the kids or elderly parents.

So your only hope is to wait for a possibility that your husband reconsiders and is prepared for another reconnect. It could be many years. To assist that possibility always mention nice things about your visit to your family eg "my mother sends her regards". Not much more than that or it becomes an expectation.

I've mentioned "expectations" and "rights" a lot here. I dont mean to be harsh as you are at a loss. Once we infringe upon anothers decisions its risky and all they want is to escape the pressure. I think that doesnt do your marriage any favours and I wish you well but try to leave the matter to rest. Enjoy your family and protect your husband. Sometimes we cant change things as we are dealing with someone else's limits that are different to our own.

TonyWK