Why does my family hate me?

[Guest_66494915]

Yesterday was my 34th birthday. I recently found out that my kidneys are finally in the initial stage of failure (I knew it was coming, but I thought I’d have a few more years).

My nana has been sick for years with cancer and I’ve done a lot of physical/emotional support since I live with mum/nana/popa.

My aunty started yesterday with constant texts to my mum because “dad used my full name so he must be mad at me”. She was going all day, and finally got to a barrage of texting my mum (not me) that everyone thinks I’m a pain and they hate me. Listing everyone by name and saying at least she (aunty) calls me a name to my face and isn’t a backstabbed like everyone else. Then she said she was going to kill herself when nana/popa/her dog (?) die (despite having 3 kids). I’m honestly broken. I have autism/ADHD and have always felt wrong and tried to be nice and helpful and caring to make up for it- and it’s all for nothing?

This is what she sent me before I gave up.

“I was already in hospital for suicide. 

I don’t use any slurs. Never called you a name! You all lie! (aunty2), (uncle2), (aunty3) n (uncle2) hate your guts! Always have. I told you to your face what I thought. I am not the backstabber! 

I don’t see them because I always feel belittled by you! So I stay clear. Also because being to close means it hurts more to loose them! 

I have asked to bus to the hospital when Ive had a day off work! Unlike some people I work and pay taxes. I was told  not to. 

Just F off“

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

How nice to read about your efforts in supporting your nana, so sweet. I love that about people.

I think what is happening here is you are not adapting to the new reality of kidney failure. Like many of us (I have bipolar, HF autism) we dont recognise the need for looking after our own mental health needs. Perhaps its time to throw a deck of cards in the air and they fall as they may? Meaning, prioritise everything you do. Map out your calendar and include rest days where you do anything you want to do like window shopping, lunch out with a friend and so on. This is particularly important when you are receiving pressure from other family members.

As for texts and phone calls, I took a long time adjusting to unwanted calls and texts. My wife pointed out one day at a time we were busy that "why did you answer that? they'll ring back". Since then I look at my phone and consider - am I in the mood to answer that? or I'll leave that and wait a while if I'm going to reply. If the caller is going to put you under pressure DONT ANSWER IT!  Now, if at a later time they call and you answer it and they ask "why are you not answering my calls"? then ther eis a simple answer "I was busy". If they ask "what doing" then they are intruding so you answer "thats not for you to know".,

Family relationships can be testing and its our own responsibility to ourselves to "stop the rot", not allow others to control us or create guilt. There is a saying "I am not in this world to live up to your expectations".

The following thread can be valuable, just have to read the first post.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

So, prioritise your activities, disregard those people that are out to make you feel guilty and carry on caring for your nana. And finally- good luck with your future with your kidneys, I hope you adapt ok to those routine treatments.

TonyWK