Been seeing a new person, feeling anxious and I'm not sure why

[Ceedant]

Hi all,

I've recently met a new person on an app. We've been talking for about 3 weeks and have now gone on three (virtual/video chat) dates. All went well. We're both pretty quiet people but enjoyed each other's company and played games together for a few hours.

Despite things objectively looking good - I should be feeling over the moon - I've been feeling really anxious about this since the 3rd date. Normally, I'm not an anxious person, even in dating. At the end of the 3rd date I wanted to ask her to meet up in person but I couldn't get the words out! I instead sent her a message on Facebook (where we had been talking/checking in with each other once a day or so) asking to meet in person, telling her I've been enjoying spending time with her, but haven't got a reply. She was exhausted from a pretty big day, so put it down to that. The following morning, I messaged her to wish her a good day (as we've been doing that) but still no response.

I feel I just want to pour my feelings out to her - let her know how I feel about her, that I'm really liking her. It wouldn't be the right way to go about it, especially through a Facebook message and especially given it's very early days. I'm also mindful that I don't want to smother her.

Am I being anxious over nothing here? Any advice/reassurance would be amazing.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

I do not think you are being anxious. What stopped you from telling her how you felt? I know it is not an easy thing - I grew up before the time of the Internet so chatting with the person who would become my wife involved phone calls and not every day so probably easier.

I am not sure how you are with social media and messaging but my own experience had been that of instant response ad if you did not get that response there must be something wrong with what you said or ???Then there are some people that I can send a message who may not respond for a number of days. In my work these days people can send an email and 5 min later call to discuss contents of said email. Guess what I am saying is that it can be all over the place. So if this can happen is what can happen in a work environment it did (for me) overflow into other area of my life.

Rather than think all all the issues point to you, it can be helpful to reframe your thoughts. For example, she is busy, she not had a chance to see the message yet. It can take time for processes to have a positive effect.

You also said that you are both quiet people and with the virtual dating and chatting platforms availability I guess make things easier? I dont know.

Rather than messaging could you call? If she is quiet... perhaps there is something stopping her?

I hope some of this was helpful.

[Ceedant]

Hi smallwolf,

Thanks for your reply. A bit of it was helpful.

”what stopped you from telling her how I felt?”

That it’s still very new - a few weeks ago I didn’t even know she existed, so I don’t want to go in too hard and too fast by smothering her with affection - I’ve done that in the past with potential romantic interests, who I actually knew, only to scare them off and leave me hurt in the process. I’ve already told her I’ve been enjoying spending time with her.

“I am not sure how you are with social media ...”

We’re friends on Facebook and use the Messenger function on Facebook, which we’ve been using to talk and arrange times to meet up - pretty similar to normal texting.

“Rather than messaging could you call?”

If she’s anything like me, and we have similar personalities, she probably wouldn’t like being called out of the blue, especially if she’s got stuff on. As mentioned, we’ve been video chatting at mutually agreeable times which have gone pretty great, hence why I want to meet her in person.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Ceedant,

I’m so glad that you have found a lovely girl that you seem to have clicked with! I think you’ve done everything right and just as you should have. I agree, it’s often best to take things slow (but not too slow) so that you don’t overwhelm people at the start or scare them off. It can be scary for most people in the early stages of a relationship, when you so badly want things to go well but are understandably cautious as we understand that we can be in danger of being hurt. Could that be what you are experiencing right now? The anxiety of hoping that it works, or worrying that it won’t and you ll get hurt in the process? All relationships are a gamble but there’s nothing like the feeling of falling in love with someone, it makes it all worthwhile in my eyes 🙂 Do you have any updates for us?

[Guest_1643]

Hey Ceedant !
Good on you for connecting and opening up to this girl to the point of chatting online and getting to know each other.

I'd consider the phone call option as she may not like it out of the blue but sometimes it can take relationships to another level and she would still have the power to reject it of course if she can't.

I'm sorry she wasn't replying which is really tricky.... maybe she'll come back in a few days with a reason? I hope you get some clarity and get to keep chatting with her 🙂