At the Cross Roads

[far_west]

My partner and I had been seeing each other for nearly 2 years,
The sticking point is, I still own a house with my former partner, which I made an agreement when I left I would finish renovations that were not yet finished, and continue paying the mortgage till they were complete. My two young adult children 18 & 23yrs still live in the house with their mother.
At first my new partner didn’t say anything, but once I moved closer to her and she moved in, she laid out her set of rules, started demanding that the only contact with my Ex was to be via email, no phone calls, no texting, no face to face meetings, no returning to the house. She had also stopped me from returning to the same city to work a casual job that was worth $15k in addition to my regular permanent job.
The issue for me was, I now lived some 3 hours drive out of the city where my Kids and Ex still live, but I still work in the same city but as a shift worker. My Son works Monday to Friday and my daughter attends Uni 3 days a week. If I’m lucky I would see my kids once every 2 months when my shifts aligned up with a weekend.

The back breaker for me was 3 weeks ago, my casual job, which I had not worked since December last year called and asked if I could do 2 days work, this followed with a request to work another 3 days in addition to those two days which being financially stressed I said yes too. In just over 7 days I had worked 5 additional casual work days earning myself up to $2600.
My question is: have I been unreasonable wanting to keep a good open relationship with my Ex partner of 28 years for the good of my kids, or should I had followed my new partners rules to the ‘T’, and stopped fixing the house up and stopped visiting my kids where they were most comfortable . . .in their home which they share with their mother?
Should I had bowed to her demands to forgo the much needed work and income, to satisfy her anxieties about me going back to the city to work my casual job?
I feel I have done nothing wrong, have tried my best to see her side of the story, but to myself keeping a friendship with my Ex for the sake of my kids is what my parent did and something I don't see as being a bad thing.
Am I wrong? am I missing something?

[BballJ]

Hi far west,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I am just trying to think logically and I don't see that you have done anything wrong as you were simply trying to earn extra money by picking up the shifts that were offered to you, it is not like you actively went to find the shifts to try and be closer to your kids or your EX either. There is a lot of rules for you to follow and part of me wants to say they are not fair but I am not here to judge anyone at the same time. Does your partner know you picked up these shifts or have you kept it a secret from them? By the sounds of it, you are doing everything a good father has to do for the betterment of his kids. I can't disagree with you on that.

My best for you,

Jay

[SubduedBlues]

Hey there FarWest, welcome to bb

"...have I been unreasonable wanting to keep a good open relationship with my Ex partner of 28 years for the good of my kids..."

IMHO: No, definitely not. I have a good relationship with my ex of 27 years. I do this for the good of my children, and the good of myself (being bitter is too much work).

"... stopped fixing the house up ..." That one depends on a few things.

1. if you have a BFA that outlines that you will, you have no choice. If not,
2. do you still have a vested interested (i.e. ownership) on the title? If so, then you are investing in your asset. If not,
3. are you doing this for the benefit of your children?

"...stopped visiting my kids where they were most comfortable..."

• No, you visit your kids where they are comfortable. Your kids should not be forced to visit you where your new partner says.
• My ex lives interstate. When she comes to visit the kids, I allow her to stay in the guest room (of my house). To force her to find a hotel is really just punishing my kids. That is not fair. But, if she wants to bring her new partner... he is not staying at my house.

I think your new partner is being unreasonable. It is a question of trust, she either trusts you or she doesn't. (if she says that she does trust you, but doesn't trust your ex... well that is a backhanded way of saying she doesn't trust you with your ex)

That's my view anyways
SB

[Julz01]

Hi far west

i think what you have done is not unreasonable. You need the extra money & you have maintained a good relationship with your ex for the sake of your children- good on you!

your current partners insecurities are putting unreasonable demands on your healthy relationship with your children.

Julz

[far_west]

Hi again all,

SubduedBlues; Yes I jointly own the House with My Ex which we were renovating when I left, and Yes I signed a voluntary agreement I would continue to pay the mortgage and complete three uncompleted task to get the house up to market standards.

My partner also has a 7yr old daughter which I took on.

I had pulled out of one casual shift in January and knocked back 2 Casual Shifts in February and March as my Partner either had a appointment or something else on that prevented me taking on the shifts . . . all request for me to work dropped right off from then on till late August when I was asked to do 10hrs work at the start of September, 2hr (min 4hrs Pay) one day and 8hrs the next. I told my partner about the jobs the week before, the 1st Day Job started at 2pm, so started getting ready to go around 9:30 to be on the road by 11:30. She wasn't agreeable nor happy about me going back to the City to work, got a number of messages on my way down to return, don't bother coming home, I'm going to throw your stuff out etc etc. After getting a whole heap of threatening text messages I decided to crash at one of my friends places that night rather returning home and face her and get minimal sleep to be up again at 4am to get on the road for the second days job. When I got home after the second days work I found she had thrown out some of my personal belongings . . . this was the second time she had thrown out personal belongings - previously around March this year she had ripped up and thrown out photos of my kids, father day, Christmas and birthday presents from my kids . . . thus I have never introduced my kids to her out of concerns for their safety.

I dealt with her cold shoulder for two days before heading back to the city for my Full-time job, told her I was catching up with my kids for Fathers day. She didn't like that telling me she had booked a table at our local RSL club for Fathers day, and to invite my kids up for fathers day . . . that wasn't going to happen. I did my 2x Shifts at my Full-time job, came off shift Tusday following Fathers Day, got a phone call from my Casual Job asking me to do 2 Days work out of town - YES I will Do . . . that equated to 3x Days of Casual Work that week for me.

A heap of abusive and threatening text messages again, and surprisingly my camper broken into after 12 months with no issues and stuff missing. That Friday after my casual job was complete, I arranged to collect my car and camper and left . . .

[Mathy]

far west said:

A heap of abusive and threatening text messages again, and surprisingly my camper broken into after 12 months with no issues and stuff missing. That Friday after my casual job was complete, I arranged to collect my car and camper and left . . .

You are a great individual. You did everything to do the right thing by your original family and your new family. Too many relationship breakdowns lead to the financial demise of all, due to property and revenge (for want of a better word). Your attitude, by taking on those payments and wanting to complete the work, in order to benefit everyone, was outstanding.

The world needs more humans like you. So sorry you’ve been treated poorly, and I hope that what I’ve quoted means that you have departed that messy relationship (sorry if that is offensive), but you deserve better.

[far_west]

I had earned just under $3000 since the beginning of September, paid off a back log of bills, and now have the $1500 needed to replace a crack exhaust Manifold on my car that had been cracked since April while she continued to use my car to transport her daughter around.

As much as I love her . . . I just couldn't go on where I was going backwards, I had become so financially stressed where I didn't even have $20 to put fuel in my bike at the end of the fortnight before pay day to get to my Full-time work shifts.

Sick of the fights and stress, over her belief I was going back to the city to work and see my Ex.

Sick of being told I didn't care or want to be with her or her daughter . . . I work 24hr Shifts twice a week, every other day off is spent with my Partner and her Daughter.

Sick of being told I could see my kids at any time I wish . . . just not at their home which they share with their mother, which equates to me having to make appointments to see my kids every 6 weeks when my shifts aligned with weekend days when I am coming off shift, as my Son works Mon to Fri and my daughter is at Uni 3 days a week.

I only recently realised since being out . . . with being told all the time I didn't care or want to be with them all the time . . . I feel bad for feeling it, but I realise now I had come to resent her daughter . . . . if I didn't care or want to be with them . . . why do I see her daughter every day while I am home, watch TV with her, take her fishing, take her to the park, drop her off and pick her up from school . . . and Yet I have to make an appointment just to see my own kids.

Since splitting . . . I've been gone now for 3 weeks now . . . received a barrage of abusive text messages and phone calls, saying I was using her, didn't love them, didn't care, that I have abandon them, that I was going back to my Ex . . . and yet 3 weeks on I'm still paying the rent to My unit she is still living in and putting a roof over her daughters head . . . while I live in my camper in the back yard of the house I own with my Ex as I can't afford to stay at a caravan park . . .

She is right . . . I don't care anymore . . . I have started getting booked-in to do more Casual Shift worth $400 a day . . . I'm getting my life back on track . . . for the first time since March, I'm spending quality time with my kids . . . and as much as I miss them both, miss their company . . . I don't want to go back

[BballJ]

Hi far west,

You are literally doing it tough all for the love of seeing your kids and I cannot commend you enough for that, it takes a real person to stand up and put their kids first and foremost and that is amazing. You are doing what your heart is telling you is the right thing to do. You can only do so much for someone and getting abusive text messages for putting your kids first, just really isn't fair. I just want to ask, have you both broken up before and was it for a long period of time? Is this a decision you have made and want to stick by it or letting it cool down for while. I am not here to judge either choice by the way just wanted to gauge where you are at with it all?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_1584]

Hi west .

So sorry for what she is putting you through and believe me l understand a dad needing to see and be with his kids. l'll say one thing , you are so lucky your ex and kids are still at the house and she's not married off like mine and my daughter living at his house now. Makes me sick to the stomach. So at least you have that one thing and the freedom and good relationship with kids believe me it is a huge thing when it comes to you spending time with your kids. l wish mine was still at our house and single.

But anyway , the gf , and her telling you what you can and can't do as if your a 5yrs old ,, destroying things for your kids and from your kids , throwing your stuff out of your place , man . She sounds like a psycho l'm sorry, or a serious narc or bpd or something at minimum.

l realize your torn and concerned and feel for her daughter to , and you probably still love her in ways too , but seriously , you can't be treated like that, and at the expense of your own kids ,l'd be kicking her out but l know your concerned for her daughter .

l mean if she was more fairer reasonable and nice about it you could negotiate things together and compromise but even forgiving things she's done and her treatment , her personality, all of it and only a few wks in . Sorry to say mate but if they aren't the biggest warning bells l ever saw l dunno what is. And she's still on the honeymoon period and under your roof, can you imagine her in a yr or 2.

Wondering too ,where's her daughters father , l hope he's in her life and that would also let you off the hook a lot in this too.