Apparently my need for affection is actually insecurity

[Dan075]

I've been wife my wife for almost 16 years. She was never overly affectionate in the beginning but what little affection she did display has almost diminished to nothing, or little more than the occasional quick peck type kiss. What I found interesting was a comment on a TV show last night where a person suggested that a need for affection either emotionally or physically was actually born of insecurity. My wife looked at me and said that's you. 

Additionally sex was never anything exceptional or frequent but as above it's literally a once or twice a month type deal. If I try again soon after I'm usually hit with a comment like "we've already had sex or you don't need it again. 

Her idea of sex is to start with no foreplay or lead up and get it over and done with. 

We've been together for 16 years and got married three years ago. We've both been married previously and I didn't feel the need to tie the knot again. I agreed to getting married as I know she has questioned my ture commitment to her and I thought it might actually bring us together. Getting married didn't change anything in that respect 

We're a fire and gasoline type couple and have had our fair share of clashes over the years, relationship stability isn't one of our strengths. I feel in reality we're probably more staying for our kids and because she doesn't really work, for her it's probably the comfort of being taken care of more than any kind of deep spiritual or intense chemistry but hey, we're still both here. 

Is she right, is my need for even a base level of affection insecurity on my part?

Harder one, am I wasting my time, is it time to let go of something that's only been in decline for the past 13 years?

[geoff]

Hello Dan, a need for affection happens at moments when you have been disappointed and want reassurance from your spouse/partner or to congratulate you have done something wonderful.

Wanting affection is not necessarily being insecure but a lack of foresight from your spouse/partner who may want to demand or control a situation.

Being together for 16 years there was no need to get married, however this has been done and makes no difference to your relationship, but to be intimate just happens when you both desire it and not once or twice as it's been happening because a routine isn't love, and to answer your question then perhaps it may be time to move on.

Geof.

Life Member.

[trappedinqld]

Hi Dan075,

I feel for your situation and how hard it must be. I can relate to your situation quite a bit too. I'm in a long-term relationship with kids and a lack of intimacy and affection. It's something that I've often told my partner but not much changes. It was different at the start and now here we are. I'm not sure how much help I can offer you besides trying to communicate how you feel to your partner. I know that 'I' statements about how it makes you feel work better than complaining and blaming. Couples therapy could be another good option before you make any permanent decisions. I wish you the best and all I can say is that you deserve what you want and shouldn't settle for something you're not satisfied with

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

I saw that show and when hearing that comment thought "rubbish , who made her a therapist"? It got me angry because it essentially is a form of gaslighting. From your wife "you dont need it again" is saying she is telling you of the level of desire you should have and its less than what you want. It is also a means to regulate. However, her less sexual need is her right also, its the manner by which she is communicating that seems harsh.

I agree with 'trappedinqld' suggesting to seek couples counselling prior to any separation for the main reason that you wont suffer any guilt later on by not pursuing all possible means. Of all my 4 long term partners one didnt have any craving for sex and I knew form experience it wasnt me, there is nothing wrong with craving affection and love making. 

In your situation, and I've been there, I dont see much hope in things changing. Counselling can draw a solution to respecting the others viewpoint and reasons for frustration and lack of fulfilment or not much sex drive but any positive improvement might be short lived.

I hope you are ok, repost if you want to talk more.

TonyWK

[Juliet_84]

Hi Dan075, 

I watched that episode as well and would take whatever is said on MAFS with a grain of salt 😂 I remember hearing that comment from the mother and she came across as a very hard and callous woman, and it explains why her son’s partner is also having the same problem with him. In my experience, some people are “hard” and others are softer. For most people, affection and kindness and intimacy are basic human needs. For others, they seem incapable of these emotions or use them as a tool to wield power over someone. I don’t know your wife outside of her pretty harsh assessment of you, that you essentially need intimacy because of some “insecurity” but would like to question whether there are other problematic behaviors that she exhibits. For example, my ex-partner claimed that he was “unable to flirt”, what it really was was that he was incapable of humbling himself enough to pay others a compliment, his ego wouldn’t allow anything like that. Everything was always a put down. Needless to say there were a lot of DV features in that relationship. I would be interested to hear more.