My boyfriend is confused about his sexuality

[dontknow-whattodo]

I am female and my boyfriend has recently brought up issues that he thinks he might like both females and males. After being supportive of him saying that he could take however long he needed to figure it out he has now said that he might be gay. But he is unsure of whether or not that he actually is. He has many conflicting things going on in his mind as he is Christian and truly believes that going that way could effect what happens in the afterlife. So having these possible feelings are confusing him and he has no idea how to navigate this time in his life. I’ve asked him if he is attracted to females and he said that he doesn’t know and is saying that he hasn’t had great relationships with females in the past (his mother & ex who cheated). I have suggested to him that he should probably see a psychologist about those past trauma experiences as that would help him navigate his thoughts and feelings more but as he studied psychology for a couple years he thinks he knows better.

He believes that it may be best for us to break up as he believes that he is hurting me by asking me to wait and doesn’t want to continue the relationship in case he might end up actually being gay. Is it wrong for me to want to continue the relationship until he actually knows what’s going on with his sexual orientation?

I really don’t know what to do about this as I do want to make it work but am holding onto hope that isn’t there? Am I being naive? He made a comment saying maybe he’ll be begging me to take him back if he figures his stuff out and isn’t gay. 

[smallwolf]

hello dontknow-whattodo,

I can only imagine how confusing and overwhelming this must be for both you and your boyfriend. It takes a lot of courage for someone to confront and explore their sexuality, especially when it conflicts with their beliefs and values. It's also worth considering that the possibility of your boyfriend being gay is something that may not change. And it is also natural to hold onto hope. Frustrating!

It also sounds like you've been very supportive of your boyfriend throughout this process, which is really nice.  It's understandable that you want to continue the relationship until he figures things out, but it's also important to consider your own emotional well-being.

It's a sad that your boyfriend is dismissing the idea of seeking professional help, especially considering that he has past trauma experiences that may be influencing his thoughts and feelings. I  dunno. Perhaps you could encourage him to reconsider seeing a therapist, but ultimately it's up to him to make that decision. Sometimes just being there to listen and gentle persuasion....

It's hope that you are taking care of yourself and make sure your needs are being met. If you want to chat some more....

[Sophie_M]

Hi dontknow-whattodo, 

Thank you for sharing such a brave and honest post here. This is a welcoming and supportive space, and I’m sure our community members will have lots of understanding for what you’re going through with your partner. 

QLife are an amazing organisation. They offer anonymous, LGBTQI+ peer support and referral for people wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings or relationships. They welcome contact from people who may not be LGBTQI+ but who want to talk about someone else they care about. You can reach them on 1800 184 527 or via webchat. 

We'd also really recommend having a look through the QLife directory, where you'll find info, support, and peer support networks for family and friends of LGBTQIA+ people. For example, there's qheadspace, where anyone under 25 can discuss anything LGBTQIA+, and Black Rainbow, a national Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander LGBTIQ+ Sistergirl and Brotherboy organisations in the pursuit of positive health and wellbeing. 

We can hear it’s a lot to take in, and you clearly have so much love and kindness for your partner. We hope you can be kind to yourself also as you process this. We welcome your call if at any point you’d like to talk things through.  

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope the kind words, advice and understanding of your friends here bring you some comfort.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M