Angry Teen Boy Vs Step Dad

[Kaelum]

I have a big problem. My 15yo son has accused his StepDad of hitting him and "being mean" whenever I'm away. StepDad (my Hubby) denies it and is really upset. He does have short temper, but I have never seen him being aggressive with any of the kids.

He has started a Men's Program to work on his stress & control his temper, but my son refuses to report it to police or see anyone professional to help with counselling or mediation.

This is causing a lot of stress between us all. I have told my son he should stay with his Father and StepMum until we sort this out. Now son says I don't believe him and he hates me. 😓

Any advice?

[Kaelum]

Great! Nobody is game to even respond to this one... Not that I blame you. 🙁

[Zeal]

Hi Kaelum,

Welcome to the forum!

This is a really difficult situation. Your hubby's denial of the accusation made by your son is complicated by the fact that he does in fact have anger issues. Your son, while desperate for you to believe him, doesn't want it to be reported to the police. Refusing counselling doesn't sound unusual for a 15 year old boy (though this is of course a generalisation). If you don't mind me asking, what was the relationship like between your son and hubby before this accusation? Was there tension already?

You are in a very uncomfortable situation, being told two different things from two of the people you love the most. Asking your son why he doesn't want the police to be told is a good idea. It could help to hear his reasoning. If you've already asked, then that's great. Hopefully that revealed some details that could help you figure this situation out somewhat.

It would be great to hear back from you!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Kaelum

I know not what time your original post was, or how long it went unanswered. I apologize if you felt that we were ignoring you; trust me we are not. Many of us are on at different times of the day, and with us all being anonymous to each other it is difficult to ensure that there is someone online whenever a new post comes in.

Oh this is one is like walking on rice paper; if treated with care, one can traverse without damage ... but too much haste can easily tear a hole.

Understand that my advice is due to my preference to understand situations before making a decision. Whether you are the person making the inquiries, or others are doing so on your behalf, I think it is important that an understanding of the event (as it unfolded) is important to identifying whether a misunderstanding or trespass occurred.

Note: when making inquiries, you cannot offer advice or insight as to what the other party said. As having that knowledge enables people to adjust their story to make a more compelling argument on why they are right. (this is why police always separate people)

Once you understand what occurred, you'll be in a better position to help foster reconciliation between the parties involved (assuming that is what you want to happen).

If we are off track, please elaborate on your situation so we can better respond.
SB

[geoff]

hi Kaelum, sorry that your post had not been replied to, but now it's on and been replied to, but firstly it's not up to me to decide for you.
This is a situation which puts you in the box seat and need to decide on who to believe which is not going to be easy, your son or your new husband.
As your husband has started a program on stress and temper control may indicate that your son is telling you the truth, because your husband wouldn't admit to any of this because of any repercussions that may occur later on and there is no way he would say that it did happen.
You son maybe very upset about the divorce and then naturally dislike his step father, but you would know how your son reacts to different situations and then know whether or not he is telling you what happened, so if he hasn't said anything before this then you could believe him that he was correct.
Remember your husband will always deny it, but that doesn't mean that I'm blaming him at the moment, but to send your son to his father's place isn't going to solve anything, because your new hubby is only going to gain a stronger connection between the both of you, and then make you believe that he didn't hit your son, in other words you won't believe your son, and then lose the love from your son.
Did he have any marks on his body to show that he had been hit and ask him what actually happened when his step father was so mean about, and get your son to do exactly the same but only when you are in with them, facial expressions don't lie and wait for a reaction.
Please let us know how this turns out. Geoff.x

[Kaelum]

Hey Geoff. Thanks for your input but I need to clarify some things...

My ex and I have been seperated since our son was a toddler and my hubby and I have been together for over 10yrs. So this isn't related to a recent divorce or new relationship.

My son has been living with his Dad for almost 3yrs and stays with us for the school holidays.

My son tells us about these violent incidents weeks or months after they happen so there's no physical evidence. It's basically his word against my hubby.

My son has so far refused to do anything constructive to help resolve this situation. He doesn't tell anybody when it happens or show them bruises; he won't make a report to police, which my hubby actually wants him to do; he won't participate in any counselling or mediation, either on his own or with us.

This is why I have decided he needs to stay with his Dad for now - whatever 'the truth' is, it's not healthy for him to be here at the moment.

[Kaelum]

Basically, every holiday my son has a sleep over with one of his cousins and claims his StepDad was violent with him in last holidays. Eg: he punched me in the guts and winded me or he punched me in the chin.

When I first heard this stuff, I spoke with him privately and asked him to tell me asap if it happened again.

I didn't tell my hubby because I felt guilty or not, he would deny it anyway. Plus, if he was being violent then it could be more harmful for my son.

Then the same thing happened again the next holidays and the next. I've told my son that he needs to get some help, that we can report the incidents to police or contact counsellors online or through health clinic.

But he refuses to do any of these and becomes abusive towards me when I suggest them. He thinks I should simply believe him and leave with our 4yo son.

Meanwhile my son's Dad has become really mad with me and suggested he'll report us to the police. Apparently, everyone there thinks my son is a fun loving, mature young man - so we must be monsters.

But we actually want something formal to happen. Even tho there's no physical evidence to investigate, maybe we'll be sent off to family counselling or mediation. At least there'll be a chance to get some help to sort out this mess.

I'm also scared that my son has some kind of paranoid or delusional condition developing. This whole Jekkyl-Hyde behaviour has me really worried.

[pipsy]

Hey Kaelum. This is a real catch 22 situation. You have son and new hubby at loggerheads. Ex hubby (son's father) wants to report now hubby and threatens police action. New hubby is totally denying all accusations, there appears to be no proof of assault. When your son was little, how was the relationship between him and his step-father? Family counseling will only help if everyone concerned is prepared to be honest. If your hubby is hurting your son, for no good reason, it's possible he will ensure no marks will be visible. It could be your son is constantly 'baiting' his step-dad to see how far he can push him. You remarked these assaults seem to occur while you are absent. Son could also be telling tales to dad to ensure dad will defend him regardless. At 15, your son is aware of his dads' love for him, he may also have been assured that he is welcome whenever, no questions asked. Your hubby loves his son and his first thought is his safety. Your son 'fits' in with his dad and step-mum and I feel he will try anything to live permanently with his father. My 'gut instinct' is to let things go for now. If your hubby starts to show anger/violence over your son living with his dad, that should give you some thought about whether son could be telling the truth. Your situation is, hubby, biological son with hubby, son from previous marriage, ex hubby. Your 15 year old could be jealous of your connection to new hubby through having his son. If new hubby starts demanding son return, ask why? If he can't give a good reason, leave son where he is. If son is causing mayhem, his biological dad will soon 'pick - up' and then you can start suggesting counselling, etc.