Am I Selfish?

LostSoul

About six months ago I had an issue with my stepdaughter and felt that she was being disrespectful towards me at a time when I needed her support and here we are... I feel the same way again!.

But, With outside influences, I feel as though I'm being told, im being selfish and disrespectful towards her. My stepdaughter has been a major part of my life for the last 11 years. She has become my best friend. Things started to change a little when her partner proposed about 12 months ago, they started getting a bit more involved with his family. She recently acquired her licence and was so thrilled to tell me that she was able to pick me up from work when I needed and about all the things we could do together but that very quickly faded when the mother in law started asking her to pick up her kids, baby sit her kids, take her second eldest to and from work when needed, that now I hardly see her and the couple of times I've actually needed her help I just get told "cant someone else do it, as im too busy chauffeuring everyone else around and looking after kids". She so desperately wants kids that I feel as though this women is just using her and using her kids to get to her.

Maybe I'm the selfish one??

Croix

Dear Lost Soul~

Welcome back to the Forum, I hope the years have been kind to you.

Frankly I don't think selfishness comes into it. It is simple that circumstances have changed. You had years when it was your stepdaughter that was the person you enjoyed being with and came to rely upon her -a very big part of your life.

With your step-daughter forming a close relationship with another (I'm not sure if "proposed" means marriage but it does mean a big signal in a person's life.) As a result your step daughter has become more closely involved with her partner's family who frankly do seem to be making use of her talents, however some families are like that.

It is a pity when those times you really do need help tend not to work out though I'm sure it does not mean your step daughter loves you less, just that the is pressed for time, which is here judgment call when it comes to helping that family as she has been doing.

May I suggest you have quiet talk with your step-daughter. A friendly non-accusatory one with no talk of selfishness on either side. Just explain that there may be times you need her help, or that of her partner, and that you would not ask lightly -and in fact will give advanced notice if you can.

I'm sure most people would feel a big gap in their lives in these circumstances, I would think that building up your interests and social life to compensate may lead to a more fulfilling life once again

If you would like to say how you get on that would be great

Croix

See how that goes

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Hi LostSoul - I can understand the situation your stepdaughter is in. She is trying to make a good impression and assist her in-laws. That is kind of her to help them out.

I understand it is an adjustment as there is less time for the two of you and her availability is limited. She probably knows you will always be there for her so she doesn’t have to try as hard as she does with the in-laws. I think it is important not to rely on your step daughter too much. However, if there is something important then it might be worth having a discussion with her. She probably feels like she is being pulled in different directions.

I don’t think anyone is being selfish, just a bit of a tricky situation.