Blinded by my own stupidity

[Bushy]

My partner and I of 7 years have recently split up. We have 2 beautiful kids and alot of happy times. We were stuck in a vicious cycle that I was to silly to realise after 2 years of her attempting to connect with me and fix the issues. After having chance after chance I would fall into my old ways and repeat the cycle. I feel ashamed to admit it but ive been unintentionally shrugging her off, not making time for her and not being able to show my emotion. After she called it quits ive had alot of time to reflect and realised everything on how to improve myself and be better to her and our kids. I want to be that better person that she deserves to have. I've finally woken up to the issues that ive been to blind to see right infront of me and with a burning fire in me for change I'm met with nothing. I'm struggling with losing her and cant stop beating myself up over it! I want to give her everything she's ever deserved and a life full of happiness but I feel I've been blinded for so long being emotionally unavailable that ive ruined our family and will never be able to have the love of my life back. I'm struggling so much and don't know what to do. Most days I don't even want to be here as I feel like such a failure of a partner and dad

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_59031348, 
 
Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear how difficult things have been recently, we’re so sorry that’s been going on and we are here to offer our support. 
 
If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There are also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14. 
 
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
   
You mentioned that you feel ready to make some positive change and that sounds like an amazing next step to take. Many of our community have expressed similar challenges and we hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.   
Kind regards,   
Sophie M 
 

[Guest_54317624]

I've come here for the first time tonight after a rough and real discussion with my partner of 15 years. I don't know why I started looking this up online.. maybe just to see if anyone else is in the same boat. And your post has hit the mark.

35 years old, 15 year relationship, 2 kids...and it feels like it could collapse at any moment just as you are describing. I'm not allowing a connection. Everything is a chore. I know she's trying, but I feel like it's not enough. I hate myself because of the way I can make her feel. Not to mention the effect this would be having on our kids (6 & 3). I know something needs to change and I know I have to start.

I can't offer you any help, but I can tell you that you may have inadvertently helped me.

Thank you.