Always made to feel it's my fault

[Luke82]

Just looking for a bit of help I love my partner very much but she seems to always blame me for everything doesn't matter what I do or what I say everything's my fault from soup boiling and burning over too pens being missing she always continually Has It Go On Me and its getting me down and its starting to make me feel really unhappy and anxious about what I'll get the blame for next

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Luke,

I hope it’s okay for me to extend a caring welcome to the forums to you m 🙂

You sounded really sad and down in your post. It must be hard to always be the scapegoat especially when your partner clearly means so much to you.

I feel she sounds somewhat emotionally volatile (please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong of course). I think blaming you for small cooking mishaps, etc seems a little harsh to me. That must be so hurtful...

I’m wondering if you have ever tried discussing this with her. Sorry if you’ve tried before but I just thought it wouldn’t hurt to put the idea forward just in case...

I hope we hear from you again if you’re comfortable to talk. You seem like you’re going through a very rough time...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Luke82]

I have tried talking with her about it but it just ends up in a yelling match and it doesn't matter what i say it just gets turned around on me leaving no were go and i guess i just feel like nothing i do is good enough or no matter what happens im to blame

[unicornprincess29]

Hey Luke!

I agree with Pepper - it can be really hard when you love someone but they also make you unhappy at the same time (of course, I’m sure there are times when she makes you happy as well).

I’m also curious to know whether you’ve spoken to her about this before, and if you have, whether you’ve told her how it makes you feel. I’ve realised that sometimes people don’t quite understand how much they’re hurting you until you go that extra little bit into detail e.g. from “I don’t like that you do this”, to “I don’t like that you do this because it makes me feel unhappy/anxious.”

Her behaviour seems harsh to me as well, and a bit of a red flag. It can be really hard to constantly get the blame for things, especially when they’re small things, and I totally understand how it would make you constantly anxious.

How long have you been together? And has it been like this the whole duration of your relationship? I only ask because if it’s only been a small portion of your relationship, is she potentially going through something in her life as well that’s making her behave like that?

I know it can be hard when it’s constantly happening, but try to remind yourself that small things like pens going missing aren’t something you deserve to be yelled at about.

unicornprincess x

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Luke,

Thank you so much for writing again. It’s lovely to hear from you...

That sounds pretty bad; it’s as though she uses your own words against you. You must constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells around her.

Please keep talking to us if it helps (and only you’re feeling up to it). We would like to get to know you better and try our best to support you...

kind thoughts,

Pepper

[geoff]

Hello Luke, and can I welcome you as well.

If your partner points the finger at you for every little thing that goes wrong then maybe she is having a difficult time and may need a little support, however it's not fair that you should be blamed because you too might have also had a bad day and to anticipate that she is going to tell you off, doesn't make it pleasant at all.

It's not good to discuss blame by placing blame because at the end who's going to win, nobody really.

Ask her to do the work instead or ask her what's her role in the situation or to take over.

If she is not reasonable then go out and buy yourself a hotdog, that's what I had to do on several occasions and then the matter could be discussed without any blame.

Great to have you able to join us.

Geoff.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Luke,

I’m sorry to hear that your partner’s treatment of you is getting you down. There’s nothing worse than feeling like nothing you ever do is good enough and you can’t do anything right, after awhile you end up wondering “why do I bother”? Employers have now realized that you get a lot more results and commitment with positive reinforcement, perhaps you could suggest this to your girlfriend? Explain to her that negative reinforcement does not work for you, and that she will see better results if she tries positive reinforcement, make it a trial or something. If you make it about how you learn, she may not take it as a criticism and then when she criticizes you, you can say “positive remember” and she may be able to train herself that way? I also echo unicorn princesses question, has your girlfriend always been like this? I only ask because this may be be a personality trait of hers, in which case you may need to question whether it’s something you can cope with.

[Mary1234]

My Ex did the same thing to me, i came from a strong family background and always stood up for myself until i met my ex by continuing to belittle me in that way it made me feel as if i was never good enough, everything was always my fault, this went on over a period of 12 years, i put up with it in the end i had no self esteem or self confidence , i second guessed every decision i made and was walking on egg shell's, it got to the point where was to scared to make a decision on my own and was constantly seeking his approval, it took years and support from a good friend to help me see that it was his way of controlling me and it was a form of emotional abuse, i left this relationship 15 years ago and i am still dealing with the confidence and self esteeme side of things i would suggest you seek out some support either through friends or professional counselling,