growing pains

[depressedandunderdressed]

as i recently turned 20 ive come to face the very harsh reality that is life and growing up. i've been depressed and getting treatment since i was 15 and its only in my recent years released that 90% of me being the way i am is due to my alcoholic mother. ive been carrying her to bed since i was in kindergarden waiting for my dad to get home from late shift to tuck me into bed.

my mother knows what shes doing and as an adult i now have the words and understanding to express how it makes me feel and try to get her the help she needs. over the years i have yelled, screamed, cried, begged and pleated, ignored and been a damn right bitch to my mother in hopes she will understand that im only that way once she has been drinking. it hasnt worked and im starting to give up. ive hidden her alcohol, and she just finds more ways to get it. ive told other members in my family and we are all in the same boat. we all feel the same way and its tearing us apart. i use to be close with my mother despite all the drinking and now we have drifted so far apart i cant even look at her somtimes. its not only affecting our own family but extended too. my boyfriends family have had enough and her drinking has nearly ended my relationship. my partner and i have been trying to plan for our future and apart of that is having kids.. the problem being that we have both agreed my mother willnot be a fit grandmother to my children and i wouldnt want them to grow up doing and seeing the things i suffered. it breaks my heart to think and know that one day that will be the reality. that after 4pm my own mother wont be able to see her grandchildren because she will have already started to drink.

im at breaking point and i know nothing about how to be an adult because shes been the woman ive grown up to learn from and i dont want to be that samew person.

[Quercus]

Hello depressedandunderdressed and welcome to the forums,

What a devestating post. It must have been very difficult to write. Your pain and frustration and grief are clear in every word. Yes grief. I think reading your post you sound like you've finally realised you can't make someone want to change.

It is a very difficult realisation to come to.

You have spent your life protecting and caring for your Mum. The child acting as the adult. It isn't fair or kind on you. And it does foster resentment. It is not my story to share but I do empathise with you.

Now you are considering a family of your own it makes sense that your spouse and children's needs will have to come first. Your Mum will have to accept she changes or involvement will be restricted. I am in total agreement with you.

We don't drink and don't have alcohol in our home. The rule is do not come to our home if you have been drinking. And our kids do not visit if alchol is a problem. However in our case there is acknowledgment of the problem and attempts to manage the addiction.

There has to be a point where you protect yourself. You have spent your childhood being an adult. Now is time for you to be cared for. The first step is recognising there is trauma you may have experienced. Anger for ruined holidays. Shame for covering up and making excuses. Before you decide to have children of your own will you consider seeking professional support. Another member mention Al-anon as an excellent resource for family members of alchoholics.

A baby brings emotions and stress and hormones and changes in a way the books don't express. If you have hurt and issues buried theu tend to appear. That's what happened with me. And the downside is people blame lack of sleep and being a new mum so it os easy to slip through the cracks in the system. If I can share a single piece of advice learned the hard way... Manage your hurt first. Get a support network in place for you now. It will help you when you decide to have a baby.

As to not learning to be a mother... I heard on a radio counselling program once the idea of finding a new role model couple. It is human nature to copy what we learnt was normal. For me it is rejecting my kids when I'm overwhelmed. I hate it because I know as a child how badly that made me feel. That said being aware of what you do is the key. If I know I am copying nehative behaviour I can change it. You will be a fabulous Mum. It won't be easy but the best things never are.

Nat