Alone and overwhelmed -marriage breakdown

[Sea-Shells]

23 years of marriage . Over , overnight basically . Building for a long time probably 5 years of resentment and constant letdowns . I’ve read self help books , I’ve given all I can to help me and us move forward from the toxic things that occur in our relationship . I have had mental breakdowns resulting in admission to hospital for PTSD . I have done so much work on myself but he dosent change  and I feel like he’s the trigger as aside from providing financial things at times and some muscle there is not much else he has given our relationship . 

It comes down too he won’t go to counselling for us both and refuses too . We need help , he won’t do it . So he walks out .  I’m alone and sad with nobody and have isolated myself because of our relationship .  . I don’t know how to handle the minutes that are ticking by . I’m so hurt and perhaps in denial also hoping he will

come back but at the same time not wanting him too as im exhausted . Has anyone any tips or tricks to help me get through another day and night please . 

[therising]

Hi Sea-Shells

Do you think one of the things that may help, even if it's just a bit, could be to establish the status of self proclaimed 'legend'. If you were to list all the things you've done in the way of facilitating your own evolution while trying to develop the relationship, I imagine the long list would help you define yourself as legendary. I imagine you'd also get a true sense of how incredibly hard you've worked over the years. A sense of pride is so much better to feel than a sense of despair.

I've found another thing that can help with the mental challenges that can come with a depressing relationship is to establish the fact 'My ability is not my fault'. When I look back over the years in my own marriage (of 22 years), I experienced close to a couple of decades of inner talk that sounded like 'What's wrong with me? Why do I become so depressed? Why can't I be happier and more easy going?' and all that kind of talk. So, that's coming from the perspective of 'Everything is my fault (as to why we're not happy)'. Took me a long time to wake up the the fact that a lot of the challenges I've faced were legitimately depressing and I had the ability to feel them for what they truly were. It's also not our fault our partners can't feel those challenges that need addressing.

I've found another factor can come down to a constructive sense of disappointment. While the feeling of disappointment can be so challenging to face, to consciously dis-appoint someone from a role or set of roles we've appointed them can be liberating in a sense. For example, 'I disappoint you from the role of 'he/she who is reasonable (able to provide and accept good reason)'. Now there is no need to reason. Getting on with things becomes the goal. If the only role they'll accept is the role of 'Financial provider', the question becomes 'Is that enough?' or 'Does it serve me at this point in my life?'. If not, then the challenge becomes about finding the people in our life who are going to accept the role of 'Brilliant and supportive guide who can help me through the end of my relationship, so that I can move on beyond it'.

As you'd know, self focus can be such an incredibly important part of self development and greater self understanding. With inner dialogue becoming a form of torture at times, coming to identify or define yourself as someone who has so many abilities, someone who works hard, someone who has developed so much over the years, someone who is able to manage disappointment in constructive ways and so on is incredibly validating.  

I feel for you so much at such a torturous time in your life, with so many mixed emotions involved. ❤️