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Seperation/ depression
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hi all ,this is the first time I’ve ever talked about mental health on any platform and I’ve never spoken to anyone.
I’ve battled with my mental health my whole life but never seemed treatment,
on the surface I’m happy most of the time I have a great life .
I make good money. I live in an awesome big house and I travel a bit. I have two almost adult Daughters
I was diagnosed with a heart condition that will most probably Rob me of my retirement years ,it killed my father before retirement and my grandfather even younger.
I have been with my partner for 20 years but I’m not in love. We got together young, dated quickly and found ourselves parents we have never argued. We just got shit done and raised our girls.
I am so lonely ,we almost have nothing in common. She’s quite old-fashioned ,financially ,socially, she’s not a risk taker.
I don’t think I can continue to fill her cup on those levels. I need to live now. I’ve tried to bring up a few things ,hints that I want to travel more ,experience more, invest in some offshore adventures but she didn’t seem that interested ,when I told her of my heart condition I didn’t get a hug ,no tears, The first thing she said was how will that affect your job and then we better change your health insurance. it was almost like she was more concerned how it would affect her life and what she has planned
She’s not a bad person. She’s an incredible mother. Everyone likes her. Her family is amazing. I just don’t think I could hurt her. It would break her heart. Everyone will hate me. It’s almost easier suffering until the day. The heart stops then dealing with the pain of hurting her. or my girls.
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The warmest of welcomes to you at such a challenging time in your life, in so many ways.
It's been said before that certain parts of us will come to life at different times under different circumstances. Whether it's the adventurer in us, the risk taker, the sage, some intolerant upstanding part of our self or some other facet, I've found when a particular facet does come to life it can do so with gusto or great intensity. While I've found this myself, I've also found life can feel somewhat lonely when it doesn't also happen for your partner at the same time. While a lack of great adventure may never have been a major issue before, as with a lack of risk taking to some degree or a lack of fearlessness, suddenly it can become an issue. While I've found myself coming to life in so many ways within the last year or so in my 22 year marriage, I can feel the disappointment when my husband says 'That's just not me' (an adventurer, a risk taker, fearless etc). While I have absolutely zero interest in finding a new partner for all those things, the question becomes 'Okay, where do I go from here?'.
I've found it's about discovering the people in my life who are going to help bring out the best in me or help develop the parts of me that are coming to life. While having managed depression on and off for some decades, I know that if I suppress the best in me then life is going to become depressing. While I'd prefer to adventure with my husband and develop our relationship in new ways, I'm traveling to Spain in August with my brother and sister (2 very fun loving people). While I have some laughs with my husband, no one makes me laugh quite like my friends from work, which is why I like to catch up with them outside of work. They help bring out the comedian in me. I've found, based on certain needs, I need to have a whole circle of people who I serve and who serve me in a whole variety of ways. My husband is no longer enough while I face a time in my life that is screaming 'IT'S TIME FOR SOME SERIOUS SELF DEVELOPMENT AND LIVING OF LIFE!'.
It sounds like maybe the financial manager in your partner is coming to life, as the need to work out a financial plan for the future is demanding her attention. Could be a 'two birds, one stone' opportunity. How do you think she'd feel if you suggested 'Why don't we get away for a weekend together (adventure) and discuss the way forward financially'? It's definitely tough when a disconnection has been happening for some time over the years, something I can relate to myself. Feeling the need to make a new and productive connection can present a whole new challenge. Of course, our partner has to share that same desire in order for it to work.
