Advice for Separation

[Mitch_D]

Hi,

So I am going through a separation at the moment that is not even a week old. A bit of a back story is that we have been together for just over three years and engaged very early in the relationship. Last year I found out that she slept with someone from her work. After a few heated discussions and a lot of emotion we decided to try and work through it. We did couples counselling through the start of this year and have been planning on a move to Sydney at the start of next year as she is a GP in the army. We have had a few arguments as of that and have been questioning our relationship and if it is worth going through these hard times. At the beginning of last week I told her that I am not sure if I can do it anymore as I still think she is hiding something and I am struggling to get through that and so we decided that we should separate.

I feel as though I was more reluctant to this as I just had a lot of hope for us and I was really looking forward to building a life together. I was still a little suspicious on why she was so strong on this and I found out that she was talking to another guy from the army. So I confronted her about it and asked her to leave.

We bought a house 18 months ago so now I am wondering what to do with it all. She has paid a lot more than I have but she is now offering to buy me out for half of the profit that it would sell for. Close to 30k. We also have a cat and a dog that she would like to keep.

Taking the money almost seems like the easiest thing to do but at the same time I am not sure that I want to know she is living in the house we bought together. Plus I will most likely be living in the same area and I am not sure if I would want to know where she is living etc.

Looking for advice and past experiences.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Having been ex ADF myself I can relate to your experiences. Many married members find the temptation to have affairs more so in the ADF due to the quantity of personnel they work with. I think you've been wise to call it off and look towards the future.

A few things come to mind me having been separated 3 times with 3 long term relationships all over 7 years long. Consider the following

• Past financial input into the relationship is relevant now. If she put in more money to the house,car etc then that is to be considered for a financial settlement. But I'd suggest a few things- real estate valuation (two quotes), valuation on valuables.
• Engage a solicitor. Depending on the state you can get the agreements endorsed by legal staff or rubber stamped by a magistrate. The former gets murky if you win tattslotto for example (when she might seek a claim), the latter seals it as a concrete settlement.
• Forget about ties. Refuse to get your mind involved in what she does with the house, who she is with etc. Move away if it bothers you. A financial payout is far easier to move on with as you wont need to prolong the ties. I'd come to a financial settlement in a business dal mentality, no emotion. EG bargain with her to get what satisfies you. Don't be kind as this is an opportunity to rekindle your financial future.
• The dog and the cat. Who was the animals closest to? A bit unfair her having both. If that prevails get another dog soon to ease the pain.

Consider therapy yourself to help you overcome the emotional ties you mention.

Best of luck

TonyWK

[Mitch_D]

Hi Tony,

Great response. I can relate to many of the things you spoke about. Particularly the ADF and temptations within.

As much as this is all quite emotional and the bitterness can tend to want to take over in certain areas I think you are right in saying it’s best that I let the house go etc and do what is best for me in terms of finance.

I have a call lined up with Legal Aid Queensland on Monday so I’ll hear what they have to say before confirming that I think I should just take the easy option and move on.

It would only be emotion wanting me to battle on anyway.

Cheers for the advice. Really helpful and also puts my mind and heart a little more at ease hearing a relatable story.

I am still happy to hear other people’s thoughts if anyone has any.

Mitch

[geoff]

Hi Mitch, I agree with Tony, don't punish yourself with wanting to know what she does as she wants to buy you out on the house you bought, that says it all, but I wouldn't call it the easy way out, but the more practical way.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Mitch_D]

Hi Geoff,

Yeah I agree. It wouldn’t definitely be more punishment and I didn’t really look at it that way but her offering to buy me out like that does indicate some sort of admission of guilt.

I also think she has spoken to a lawyer. I believe her friend that she is staying with at the moment has a partner that is a lawyer so a bit of her dialect sounds a bit scripted when talking about this. She did say at one stage that she is sure I could take everything from her if I wanted. I don’t want to do that, obviously there was a bit of hurt going on and I wanted her to feel that but now I think it’s best to just get this done is the more practical and quickest way as possible.

[geoff]

Hi Mitch, I think that's a good decision you've made because to be dragged through all of this is not helping you at all.

Geoff.