Separated and alienated from children

Eliza_Kate · ‎08-10-2016

Told husband of 20 years I wanted a separated at end of last December. He then refused to allow me entry into our rental home giving me just my clothes and some personal things. He is a manipulator and has my parents and siblings support. My children 16 18 and 20 live with him and blame me and this rarely see me. Have been trying since separation to get the rest of my personal things with a solicitor friend acting on my behalf. No court as yet. Every time I get an email from his solicitor I fall in a heap and become severely depressed and suicidal. On medication. I feel like giving up. It's affecting my work. I don't know how to go on any more.

Zeal · ‎09-10-2016

Hi Eliza Kate,

Welcome to the forum!

I am so sorry to hear about this tough situation you're in. I honestly don't know what advice I can provide. I am 23 and not yet married, so I have no personal experience of marriage conflict. There are others on this forum who would be able to relate and provide personal advice, so hopefully they will see your post 🙂

This beyondblue page has info on divorce that could be useful: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/separation-and-divorce The second booklet at the bottom of the page is worth checking out.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

Wednesday · ‎09-10-2016

Hi Eliza Kate,

Sounds like your ex is an immature twit. So don't let him get to you after all there was a reason you decided to seperate from him!

Firstly, you need to look after your physical and mental health, it is not going to help your children now or in the future if you end up severely depressed or worse. Please think about going back to your doctor and discuss your meds /anti depressants with them, you made need to change your meds or incase the dose. It is incredibly important that you look after yourself right now, be very kind to yourself.

While you're at the doctors you could also ask about a mental health plan, this should give discounted visits (up to 10) with a psychologists, you need the support.

Secondly during my separation / divorce to a man who tried every trick in the book, (e.g.from stalking me to damaging my property to threatening to commit suicide to reporting me to any agency he could find, to buying a gun, to writing to my boss) you get the idea. The best piece of advice I received was to be unpredictable. For example if your relationship had been one where you argued every step of the way try agreeing, do the opposite it throws them off guard.

Mostly you need to hang in there your children will come back to you two of them are adults already. Please try hard not to include them in any negotiations negative talk about your ex or do anything that puts them in a position where the feel they have to choose. Just be their mum, don't judge them and enjoy whatever brief time you have with them. They will be going through their version of hell too. Don't lose contact with them do whatever it takes, send a card telling them you love them, call, text, even if you don't get a reply let them know you are there for them and love them to bits.

From my experience it may take a while but you will get there. The first year is the most difficult so hang in there. Easy for me to say I know. But I have been there and it was awful so you have my sympathy.

I'm also really pleased you came to the forum it's a great place to chat and work through things. There are many people with lots of experiences to help out too. Just in case you haven't noticed there is also the chatline 1300 22 4436 available 24/7. So you are really not alone!

Here's a hug in case it helps!

NikkiM · ‎19-06-2019

Hi, Eliza Kate & Wednesday,

Thank you for your posts.

This is my first post on here, I was inspired by your stories to share. I just wanted to say the hardest thing I am finding about my situation is not knowing if my children will be strong enough to get through without their mother. My children are all in their teens and living with their Dad, and none contact me, for months now. I tried so many times within the last 12 months to have a day out, to ring, only to be blocked by their dad. I send my children birthday cards in the mail, not sure if they get them.

I will continue to send cards, and text the I love you’s. I know I will see them again and when they do come back, I will be there strong and ready for them in every capacity.

I wish everyone strength, love and care.