ADVICE APPRECIATED VERY DOWN & NEED HELP

[KJL]

Hi everyone my names k. Here is a quick version of my problem. Alcohol has ruined my relationships all my life so I stop & fall off the wagon now & again. Now pain killers are the problem as I have just had an operation for cervical cancer. I have to take them but I'm planning on stopping as my partner feels they are changing me & I want to get back to being addicted to excersise. We were gonna have a break cause both have DVOS from police from drunken arguments but love each other very much & want to put it in the past. My partner got accepted for housing & we broke the lease as we want to be together. He says we need to be careful for the first month or two which I know but is calling it HIS HOUSE. My stuffs there, furniture, fish etc so I agreed I would stay somewhere else for the first month & can't go to rehab as he is insecure I'll be brainwashed & meet someone. I'll be there a couple of nights a week & the first week at my mums detoxing. My mum lives with grandma as a carer & is on pills & god knows what & I can stay at my dads but he is an alcoholic & I know I will drink. My partners scared of me staying at both places but would rather know where I am & be able to come see me but him saying it's his house makes me feel like like I'm gonna get kicked out every time we argue and we argue when I voice my insecurities.

[white knight]

Hi k , welcome

youur issue are very complex. I'm going to put out a call for other champions to also give advise.

I think you both need some serious relationship counsellinng. I hope he agrees.

My wife and i used to be hot heafs. We'd explode with arguements. We developed a technique.

When one person storms off the first rule is not to drive.

The second rule is not to follow him/her

Third rule is, after a while the first person that has calmed down and wants to talk, approaches the other to ask if he/she want a coffee. If yes all ok, have a chat. If no, then the person thst said no has to make the next approach

Why does it work?

Because by not following the stormed off partner you give them peace an escape. And the difference in mood in 30 minutes is amazing. Anger subsides.

Good luck k

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear KJL~

Thank you for your post, it sounds like you have a great heap of hassles, however talking here can be a help, as most of us have have had problems and can relate to others and want to help.

First off I'd have to say that you need to really look after yourself, no matter what your partner thinks. If you've been prescribed meds and they help after the cancer - then take them until they are not needed anymore. I probably don't need to tell you but they will have reactions with alcohol, so you need to be careful.

Rehab is there for a purpose, if you need it - again go. If he is insecure about it I guess he has to grow up. Basically no trust means no proper relationship.

Going to your mum's sounds like the best plan - apart from Rehab -from what you've said. Steering clear of where you know you will drink is a pretty good idea.

Furniture, fish and so on are important, I agree, but not as important as you getting cleaned out, well and steady. You can't live in a situation where you are worrying all the time about being kicked out, that's just not on. The next thing you know you'll be drinking to make that idea go away - a sort of a spiral down.

If I was in your situation I'd play it cool by going to rehab, or if you can't get in then your mum's and wait until your own body has settled down and your mind crystal clear.

Then deal with all the rest. I know it is easy for me to say what I'd do in your shoes. I have the advantage of standing outside things, but you have the advantage of knowing all the facts and being on the spot.

Whatever you do you are always welcome to write here, there will be understanding and care

Croix

[geoff]

hi K, firstly I really hope that this situation will work out for the two of you.
As you both have 'domestic violence orders' against each other, then you have to be careful, because if the police are called again you may have to go court, we don't want that to happen, but if you're drinking alcohol there's a chance it could happen, plus you will also have to be careful if another resident complains to the Housing, because they may eject him from where he is, if there is too much arguing.
Rehab will benefit you but as soon as you go and live with your b/friend and he is drinking, then the rehab will mean nothing, because you will begin to start to drink with him, just as living with your dad wouldn't be a sensible move.
If your b/friend has a jealousy problem, then is he going to keep asking you where you have been, especially when he can't find you, so the two of you have to resist then arguments because that's going to cause trouble.
There is another concern and this is if you go and live with your mum and your grandmother, then she will be on all sorts of medication, so are you strong enough not to take any of her medication, I only say this out of care for you, I hope so, because what we want to do is help you. Geoff.x