ADULT DAUGHTER DISOWNED ME

[Brasha]

So it would appear that I’m one of “those” mothers, the ones who apparently expect too much & take too to the point that my daughter has no more to give 😞

i grew up in a sexually abusive home, one my own mother didn’t know about until I was much older. For many years I blamed her for not protecting me and well, my life choices have been less than desirable for most of my life.

When my eldest was about 6yrs old I met my 2nd husband - he was (and still is) a narcissist. I was so wrapped up in my own depression (from my childhood trauma & the abuse from my first husband) that I just didn’t see what this man was like. He was emotionally abusive to my daughter (and to me) but I just went along and defended him at every turn.

2 more children later I eventually saw this man for what he was and I left. I finally sort professional help and for the most part “I am better” .....

my daughter now 24 has over the past several years had digs at me over not protecting her and recently she had has made some pretty awedul life choices of her own.

Anyway, I thought my mother & I AND my daughter & i had sorted things a long time ago between us all but alas a few days we had a falling out (as families do) - my daughter got involved and I pretty much told them both off because it seems that’s OK for them to tell me how to live but not ok in reverse. The response was my daughter texting me saying she “doesn’t want to hear from or see me again - she’s done with the shit”

i feel like she’s actually never forgiven me for not leaving the narcissist asswipe earlier and this falling out is just an excuse to tell me to piss off, something I feel she’s wanted to say for such a long time.

im heartbroken but to a degree I understand why she has never forgiven me. I’ve never forgiven myself. My plan is to do exactly what she’s asked for - leave her be, move on with my life and wait ..... for the day that maybe she comes around ??

From experience- does anyone have any advice to offer? Do you think she’ll come around or will she hold onto this resentment for me ??

nb: we have all, as a family had many years of councelling which is why I believed we were all cool

[RangerBaker]

I just wanted to reach out to you as growing up I was sexually abused by my dad, my mum didn't want to know anything about it, my mum was a very opinionated person who acted as though other people's opinions didn't matter or count. She was also very controlling, I felt as though I couldn't do anything right. It got to the point where by I was getting married and she still couldn't understand why I wanted my grandfather to walk me down the isle and not my father. My decision seemed to shock her but if you had talked to anyone who knew me growing up or attended the wedding no one was surprised with the decision I had made. That day was the day I was disowned from my family it will of been 5 years in April. You probably wonder why I am writing this, because I wanted to let you know you are not alone. Dealing with what we have had to isn't easy, the ptsd is hard and sometimes people even those closest to us try to understand but don't fully because thankfully they didn't have to endure what we did

[white knight]

Hi Brasha, welcome

It is a lot more common nowadays for adult children even teenagers to disown their parents for little reason or let's say unjustifiable reasons.

Modern day life includes split families and often children are brainwashed by one parent, demonizing is the name of the game now.

I have two daughters, the eldest left her mothers home at 12yo to live with me. Soon after, for that reason alone her mother disowned her. Poor kid. So I brought her up totally then on my own. My youngest, 3 years younger than her sister stayed with her mother and she is very much like her mother. As she got older she got more toxic to me....again for no reason, I was a darn good dad albeit part time to her. At 14yo she rang me out of the blue "I don't want to see you anymore" no reason given. At 16yo she had disks remove from her spine- she refuse me visiting rights. At 23yo she came knocking on my door. We restarted our relationship. 5 visits there were that year. Then she started treating me the same as her mother treated me- with silence. I told her I don't play games. She stopped all contact.

At 26yo last month she texted me wanting contact. Frankly, I'm done. No more. So hard to do but with mental health issues and tolerance exhausted, I'm going to let her go.

And that's why I told you this story. There are countless parents out there (and grandparents) that don't have contact. Do they come back into our lives- usually. What is the best approach to this crisis?

I believe it is best to flood you life with hobbies, sports, friends, adventure, camping, pets and your partner. If she happens to come knocking my idea is to talk. The main reason is for your own sanity, your own health. It is easier for us to talk and be the more adult of the two. during such conversation you can be firm, fair, listen as much as you can, have boundaries but mention them nicely (eg "ok now we are talking about your father, if you want to sort out those issues talk directly to him, I wont get involved") . Some people foster children, some love horses, some write poetry, some go on mental health forums to reach out and help others....Fill your life with distractions. Love those that love you...

If you need to leave a message then make it short. eg "if you ever want to talk in depth about your childhood I am available, I hope you stay safe)….be nice and you'll earn less guilt.

All the best Brasha.

tonyWK

[Brasha]

Thank You for sharing ❤️

I’m not perfect (who is) but to be honest I’m terrified my daughter will harbour her resentment and never truly forgive me.

my own mother and I took many many years to get back on track - she was sadly just naive about what was happening to me. Long story but I unequivocally believe she had no idea (just at the time I thought she did) ......

I also don’t my eldest daughters obvious disdain for me to rub off on her younger sister who is currently an impressionable 13yr old

[Brasha]

Thank You tonyWK 😥❤️

I hope that one day both my daughter and myself will let go of the guilt.....