Adoption is a curse

[splodge]

I have always been depressed.  I think of myself as a normal person but then I get a sickening jolt and realise that I am not.  I blame this on being adopted.  I was adopted as a baby in 1971 in London.  Times were harsh I think for young women in that period.  The sexual liberation of the 60s had come in but contraception was newfangled and abortion still illegal.  It was also unacceptable for women to have children outside of wedlock.  The result was a boom in illegitimate babies.  Nowadays the norm is for open adoptions.   This means that although the adoptive parents are the legal parents of the baby, that baby has full rights to know about it's biological parents.    When I was adopted things were a lot more restricted and biological mothers and babies were estranged from each other.   This seems completely twisted today but that was the reality.  Not only that but the adoptive parents were never educated in any way to provide the support that an adopted child should have.    The result for me was that I have had a really unhappy life.  That is despite having prosperous, well educated and conscientious adoptive parents.  Despite that seemingly advantageous beginning my life has always been wrong somehow.  I have always been emotionally disturbed from a young age.  I was obsessed as a child with "dreaming" .  This dominated my young life and involved galloping up and down the room and living in a fantasy world.  I also used to make little "spots"  with cushions - places I tried to feel calm and safe.  I was angry and destructive as a child and would throw away my birthday and Christmas presents.  I loathed my birthdays.  I tore up and threw away any photos with me in them.  

Adolescence was absolute hell.  I had functioned well socially until then but then I realised something was wrong.  I was unable to form relationships.  My friends developed normally.  They progressed into adulthood to sex, girlfriends, wives, careers and so on.  I have never progressed past this point.  I forced myself in my mid 20s to form relationships but it didn't work out well.  I backed off in my late 20s to my lasting regret.  I have now lived without any sex, love or intimacy for over 15 years.  I have a postgraduate degree but unlike all my friends who have professional middle class jobs I have always lived on the margins.   Now in middle age I realise that I am a really sick person.

[soulful42]

Hi Splodge,

I was thinking further about some of the things you mentioned in your first post on this topic. I looked forward to my birthday - like most kids - but then when it occurred there was a feeling of emptiness, of 'false happiness' - which for a long time I couldn't explain. (I didn't know then , that I was adopted) Now, I really don't look forward to it, because the meaning of the occasion of my birth has changed - I think. I'm not explaining that very well, but it is probably due to some kind of internal unconscious feeling with loss associated with my birthmother. And also the conflict at celebrating something that society views as a happy event , when for me in reality being removed from my origins was a negative event.

In my teenage years, I guess I became more aware that something about me was different. Not just that my adoptive parents were successful immigrants (post WW2). Not just that I had childhood asthma and eczema. Not just that I wasn't great at sport. There was and still is a difference about me. Maybe because I was a 'people pleaser' and didn't want to rock any boats. I'm not sure. But in my teenage years I started to and continue to underachieve. It's chronic and there's nothing I can do about it. I think if my adoptive parents would have described my teenage years , they would use the word lazy. But I think too, for me at least, it was a recognition that something was not quite right and that I was being lied to about my adoption. ( Remember, i didn't find out until the age of 43 - which is an enormous amount of time of non disclosure) Is it lying when people just avoid telling you stuff because it's hard or you might not want to hear it ? - A topic for another day.

But, certainly for me , lying is a big issue. Teasing it out under the spectrum of Adoption is really hard and so very difficult when those around 'have not been there' and 'do not walk in your shoes'. I know that's cliched, but really for those who aren't adopted and haven't been removed/taken/given away by their original families/mothers, regular/normal/neurotypical people don't quite understand. I suppose that makes adopted people like you and I more prone to things like depression.

I don't know Splodge, if you are in NSW, VIC, Qld or elsewhere, but there are organisations which can support you in your Adoption journey ( which I've come to view as lifelong ). You could Google some, I think there are specific groups in each. I don't know if I can name them here . Admin?

[name_not_a_number]

Hi Sadnan and Splodge

I'm also adopted, 1960, took from mother at birth as she was a dreaded single mother.  My adopted parents are great and never hid this from me or my sister.

What I have had trouble with is the way others reacted.  One of my earliest girlfriends thought it weird I did not want to discover my real identity.  The medical questions.  Is there any history etc.  Sorry, adopted....Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.  Well if it didn't matter, why ask me in the first place?

I wish the do gooder's and journo's who smell a beat up story would leave us alone. What works for me, wont work for the next person etc.  I felt pressured to find my birth mother, when the laws were first changed as I was concerned I could have been searched for by her.  I'm a person, not a sideshow freak but it seems I don't really have a say.

Anyway, that's my 20 cents worth.  Good luck to you Splodge.

[splodge]

@chociloni

A very interesting post. A late reply from me I know but I will indeed look up the Frozen Needs and inner child recovery. Thanks.

[splodge]

Barry,

I also find it confusing and astonishing how hostile and condescending many people are to adopted people. I don't really understand it - the only thing I can think of is that people are very emotionally invested in happy ever after fairy tales and unhappy adoptees kind of burst that bubble. Basically a lot human beings seem to either suppress their compassion and empathy or simply don't really have have any.

I also think a dedicated section for adoption would be helpful.

[splodge]

In general I would say that adoption should be a last resort. Thankfully this is indeed the case in developed countries today. I think that in Australia less than 100 babies a year are put up for adoption. And if they are the nature of that adoption will be very different.

In the past adoption was closed. In other words the idea was that it should be a clean break. Therefore contact between the birth mother and the child was strongly discouraged and made difficult due to secrecy. As a result of this I had next to no information about my birth mother except what is on my birth certificate. In the USA adopted children are unable to get hold of their own birth certificates - they are in effect second class citizens in that regard and unable to ever know anything about their birth family.

Today adoptions are open. The children have access to their birth families (if safe) and information about them. Adoptive parents are much better prepared.

Adoption may still be the best option in extreme cases such as when the birth mother is a danger to her child. However poverty is no excuse for taking a child away. If children are suffering because of poverty that simply points to the fact that we are on the wrong path in Australia and need to reform our priorities and policies to achieve a better society that allows people to have the means to look after themselves properly.

[splodge]

In reply to a few post on here I would say that the problems adopted children commonly have are related to the following issues (these are well known):

• loss and grief
• rejection and abondonment
• guilt and shame
• identity
• intimacy
• control

• fear

They are all interrelated to some degree. The first experience many adopted people have had is being taken away from their mother and put away in a cold and hostile environment. Normally the first thing that happens to a newborn is that it is nurtured by its mother and experiences her touch, smell, warmth, taste, and sounds. A child taken for adoption misses that and instead ends up in a lonely and scary place for a few weeks or months. Even when eventfully handed over to the adoptive mother things are complicated. The adoptive mother has not gone through nine months of pregnancy and at the end of the day however joyful she is she is not the child's mother but a substitute. She will probably also be subject to very powerful contradictory and ambivalent emotions and stressors. In my case my adoptive mother had suffered the awful trauma of multiple miscarriages and babies dead on delivery. Although a very good person she had an angry and bitter core.

As an adoptive child you are not reflected in your parents. You do not look like them and your personality which is largely heritable doesn't fit all that well. I can see this clearly in my case as I have a younger sister who is also adopted and a younger brother who is the natural child of my adoptive parents. My sister and I were always fish out of water while my brother is an exact reflection of the personalities and aptitudes of my adoptive parents. I think this leads to a confusion over identity and a feeling as an adoptive child that you are walking on eggshells. ie insecurity. It also suppresses your talents and the easy expression of your personality.

The loss of control, low self worth, flawed formation of identity and insecurity make it very difficult to see the world as benign, know yourself and plan for the future. The frustration of employemt potential, relationships and intimacy comes out of these I think.

Overall you get off to the wrong start in life and the damage becomes cumulative - it is a vicious circle that is difficult to break. It is often not obvious to an adopted person why they might be like they are. For many or even most this comes later in life when it is very difficult to impossible to rectify the damage.

[Piersu]

Hi splodge,

i hope you are travelling well. I’m also 1971 London crusade of rescue. The irony is in the name.

Non adoptees will never understand. It’s hard enough for us to.

peace

developmental trauma disorder

[Juliet_84]

Hi splodge and others,

I’m sorry to hear that adoption has had such a profoundly negative effect on you emotionally. Naively, I had thought that two loving parents, biologically related or not, would be just as good for a child. I had even considered the possibility of adopting a child in future as I feel that I would identify with a child who wasn’t born into an as fortunate situation, but in hindsight that may not be such a fair thing to do.

That being said, I think it’s important to discourage the lamenting of what could have been, or blaming something as the cause of all our problems. I found myself falling into this trap after I developed a serious medical condition at the age of 13 that really changed the way I lived my life. I stopped hanging out with friends and distanced myself from people as I didn’t feel accepted. I also grew resentful and blamed my misfortune for all of my problems, it was the reason I was depressed, didn’t have friends, didn’t do anything, and I hid behind that for a number of years. I thought about the person I would have been if I’d not gotten sick constantly and this person was always amazing, happy and surrounded by loved ones. But the fact is, I did get sick, I can’t change that. Who knows who I would have been had I not gotten sick, most likely a similar version of myself. The truth is, I had bouts of depression prior to my diagnosis, I made the decision to distance myself, and I needed to stop using my illness as an excuse. My point is, everyone has something, but if you hide behind it and blame it as the reason for the way things are, things will never change.

[quirkywords]

So Splodge,

I have just read this sad and informative thread. I am so sorry you had such a terrible experience but as Sadan and a name is not a number have shown it is a generalisation to say adoption is a curse for everyone.

My brother and partner are adopted. MY brother had loving parents and has always fel he fitted in

My partner did. It get on with his adopted family and never fitted in. ABout 20 years ago he found his birth family with 2 half brothers and his mum and died. this means a lot and now he has cut off contact with his adopted family ,

Despite that he and also my brother have not suffered depression or any other of those problems listed in an earlier post.

Splodge I can see you have been deeply affected but as you have seen there are many different experiences.

Thaks again for your thoughtful thread.

Quirky

[Guest_68]

Hey Splodge; just wanted to say I'm with you: Adoption is a curse. I was adopted in 1963 and pretty sure my mother never got a choice about where I went or to whom. I don't get on with my adoptive mother which is one reason I'm here. I'm trans and oh boy, that did not go down well! I think a special section for adopted folks here would be a great idea. So I can relate hugely to what you say and wanted to tell you you're not alone. Happy to chat whenever.