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'acknowledging' past hurts with a loved one?

Piscorpleo
Community Member

Has anyone here had an experiences with 'acknowledging' past hurts with a loved one?
I had a bit of a wacky childhood, domestic violence, moving around the world with a sick mother who didn't really know what she was doing... I know there is a lot worse out there, but she would just make irresponsible decisions and blame us children for the results. Like moving us across the world and not checking if we would be able to get into school (I was not able to in he new country, not that she really cared!)
Lots of decisions like this. Because she moved around all the time, and I missed out on education and socialization, I am realising now at 21 that I suffered from a heap of arrested development, and it has had a very negative impact on me . However, I do believe that my mother's illness and dependence on alcohol and drugs mean she really didn't know what she was doing. She didn't mean to hurt me but her choices have left me with scars which feel pretty deep - and moving around made me so isolated and alone. I never learned simple skills, like how to assert myself. I became secretive. I have been taken advantage of sexually, and I know I am the only one to blame, because I never learned proper social cues, she never taught me what was okay... all I ever saw was domestic violence in early childhood and after my parents divorced when I was 7, she just never spoke to me about relationships. I thought it was normal so I didn't fight it. I thought it was my job to be easy going. Probably stemming from the fact that whenever I would try and tell mum I was unhappy with something (example being my sister self harming at 13) she would avoid it or go into a diabetic coma. I lost my ability to be anything but submissive in so many respects. I am afraid to talk to a psychologist about what I have done/been through. I feel riddled with regret and guilt. I feel bad.
I sometimes wonder if speaking to my mum on the phone (now that we live in separate counties) and just telling her how I am hurting would be a good idea? I hate the idea of hurting her, but I guess I have just been hurting a lot lately. Maybe that's too selfish of me though, so i am asking here for other opinions.
I am safe now and in a loving relationship.
I don't wanna put my mum into a shock coma and then not be there to help her... but I need to release this all somewhere...
Have any of you had similar experiences? Would be keen to hear it, or even just your opinions.
thanks ❤️

3 Replies 3

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Piscorpleo~

Welcome here. This is a place with gentle understanding people who would like to help, so please feel at ease.

You have had a most unhappy childhood and I'm really pleased you can say that now you are in a safe and loving relationship. Having someone there for you who you can rely upon is one of the great things in life.

Hurting so much is very natural and wanting to talk and be understood is natural too. I do not think it is a question of selfishness at all. I'm not sure if your mum is the best person though. A couple of reasons; in the past she has not taken things you have said well, and also you are far apart, maybe not the best situation for such a personal and important conversation.

I've had things I've needed to talk about, things that have really deeply affected me, and my solution was to first talk with my doctors and later on with my partner. I was not entirely forthcoming to start with and things came out over time. However in the end I was glad I did. Trying to keep going by myself pretending things were better simply made them worse.

I also don't think you have anything to blame yourself for. Now I know me just saying that is not going to make a lot of difference, however being loved and getting therapy will in time. Talking to a doctor or psychologist or other health professional can be very hard. I had to write things down sometimes. It is important to realize that they are there to help, not judge or be unkind.

Do you think you could talk about some of your past life and the hurt you bear with your partner, or maybe your sister if she is around and you have a good relationship with her?

Please feel comfortable enough to keep on here, we do understand and want the best for you.

Croix

PamelaR
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Piscorpleo~

Welcome again. Croix is a wonderful person you'll find regularly here on the Beyond Blue (BB) forums. He is a wealth of information and so willing to share his experiences.

Wow, what can I say. Mothers hey. Not sure I won't to go there. Can't remember much before 12 years of age, though I have always felt pain from my childhood. There are a number of reasons why. However, you're here for assistance.

You know, it's actually okay to not like or love your mother. It's taken me along time to say - I hate and dislike what my mother was. She passed away a long time ago. Thank goodness. You're not here to hear about me, I guess I'm just empathising. Mothers are supposed to be caring, loving, supporting and protective of their children. My mother was none of these. What she did do was - make sure I had shoes, clothes, school books, fare for the bus. But beyond that she could give me nothing of herself.

You are not selfish Piscorpleo!! Mother's are supposed to love their children at the very least. Yes, you may hurt her. But as a human being you have your own life now. You know better, you can love better and give of yourself better. Your mother may not be capable of any of these things. So do not feel guilty. Feel empowered you can see what is important.

Releasing is SO GOOD! It is important to help move on, to let go, to accept, to acknowledge, and to make new pathways for yourself.

It would be so good if you can respond to this thread so we know how you are progressing.

Kind regards

PamelaR

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hello Piscorpleo, can I also welcome you to the forum.

The replies from Croix and PamelaR are always inspiring and very thoughtful and they offer you their knowledge from past experiences.

You have been through too many trials and tribulations to try and relate how you feel if you speak to your mother now, she will quite likely put up her guard and start to disagree and maybe an argument could begin, that's not what you want now.

If you both live in different countries the likelihood of her hanging up the phone is very possible, again that's not an ideal situation.

I know how much you are hurting, that's obvious from what you have said, but please never believe you are selfish, your past history has not been pleasant at all, and for that, I'm truly sorry.

Now, you are in a loving relationship, doesn't that feel warm and cosy, coming home to someone who appreciates you, someone at last who does love you, that's what I love to hear. Geoff.