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Single & Pregnant & 1600kms from home

Singlemom2018
Community Member

My ex partner of 5 years & I split on October, a week later I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. Originally I was tested for a slow miscarriage & had a number of tests before we confirmed a viable pregnancy. We looked into all options including keeping the baby, adoption & abortion. But after speaking with the abortion clinic, my doctor, friends and a per natal psychologist I made the decision to keep my baby. My ex was mad & tried to blackmail me into having an abortion repeatedly. He told me if I had an abortion, he would allow me to travel back to my home country to raise my other kids. He used the word "kill" when discussing an abortion. I found the strength to ignore his requests. I'm so glad I kept my baby. I actually thought he was suffering mentally & saying these things as a result of a mental illness. Due to this misconception, I even increased my hours at the business we share, to take the work load off him & ease some stress. I was devastated at the break up & hope we would reconcile. In mid December I found out on social media he was in a relationship with a 22 year old French student. She had posted pics of them kissing. She went to our Christmas party so all our employees/mutual friends knew about her before I did. It then came to light that he began dating this girl the weekend I was waiting on results of the miscarriage in October. And she was the reason he wanted me to abort my baby. She has been very vocal on social media about their relationship (posting pictures of them in bed together), how great it is, I've had deactivated all my accounts. He has even had her working in our business behind my back, which I only found out about when I discovered her in our office one day. As a result I now work from home alone & hate it. He's missed every pregnancy scan, he missed the 20 week scan as he took his girlfriend on holiday. He took 8k out of the business to fund this. While he was gone, I was responsible for our accounts & found we have been making losses every month since October. We are at real risk of going into liquidation. We employ 6 people. My question is, how do I get over being so disregarded & humiliated repeatedly? I am over the heartache but how do I stop being so angry at how I've been treated? Its all I think about. Im angry about how he's letting the business fail when we have kids to provide for. I wake up at night angry. I'm lonely too. I see a psychologist, meet friends, walk & meditate daily.

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi singlemom

I'm sorry you are going through what I'd describe as extremely life disruptive situation.

In my view, your relationship is unlikely to survive. This will take some time and acceptance in the next few weeks but it must be worked on proactively. To help you with this is your psychologist but also a total focus on your children is essential- self help. Such total focus could result in your business folding, or a complete break from him or anything else that happens...it all wont matter as much if you do such focusing on your kids and your upcoming birth.

To "let him go mentally" is to release yourself from the betrayal. To inform him that you no longer will participate in a business that he takes money from is to bring the business side of things to a head...he either helps manage the business fairly and participates equally or it closes. Clarity and being decisive is essential to your mental health and what ever stability you can muster for your baby.

Your ex partners attitude towards your pregnancy is likely in reflection of his new relationship. He is the father of your two children however and its important to separate the two issues- if his fatherhood is sound then again, that's a good focus to allow continuation of his relationship with them throughout their lives in a firm friendly manner. you can tell him that.

Finally, the very day you believe your relationship is over don't forget to apply for child support. They have the regulation of no back dating of any application. Such an application could be crucial to your future financial well being so what I'm eluding to is to make sure you have your files and financial statements and especially tax information because the agency relies on those items.

I wish you well. I'm a man that has 2 children that were 7 and 4yo when my marriage collapsed. I paid every cent and a whole lot more towards my children's lives. I get annoyed that some men turn away from their responsibilities. In your case you have to prepare for the worst and distance yourself from the reality of his actions. In a relatively short time you'll be back on track with your life in the direction of a sound future. You can do this. We are here at all times to talk.

tonyWK

Hi there, thanks for your reply.

I think my original post was confusing. To clarify I don't want to reconcile now, but before I was aware of the other relationship, I did (back in Oct, Nov, Dec). I have blocked him by text and phone and our only method of communicating currently is email. I ignore all the negative emails and just focus on the child related ones. We currently are doing parallel parenting so that I have no contact with him directly as it was causing my anxiety/stress to skyrocket and negatively impact on my pregnancy. Eventually once I've had my baby and had some space to deal with things I hope to develop a healthy co parenting solution. But that's not something I can mentally do right now. I can't forgive him for wanting my baby dead.

I can't walk away from the business and ignore all those issues as its my only source of income. We also have 6 employees and their families to think of so I want to make sure everyone is kept in employment. I am hoping he will agree to sell it as a whole before he loses all control of the cash flow situation. Once this is completed then I will be free and don't have to focus on him. I am unable to find work being obviously pregnant. I am just really angry that he keeps heaping these new financial issues on me and my family, especially after he's been rubbing his new romance in my face. I've been through enough and I have a baby to focus on. I can't understand why he can't focus on work and make the business as saleable as possible. If he's not capable of doing this, then step aside so I can do it. You can't have your cake and eat it.

Hi single,

That certainly clarifies things. Don't worry, most members find it hard to include all the information in the first post.

I think you have everything under control and I cant see error in it. It sounds to me like you are the one that is going to have to be proactive in issues like selling the business. I think your approach to co-parenting is admirable, so mature. Even the fact that you have no direct contact is spot on logical and keeping the emails open is another great move. As a dad that's more than I could have ever hoped for with the mother of my children, such was the attitude.

You are also under the help of your psychologist. So you are getting the professional help. The only thing I can contribute to is that in spare time to read some threads here on anxiety. Here is an example, use google

Topic: how I eliminated anxiety- beyondblue

Regards TonyWK

I think your right for the most part I have all the practical things covered and I know I am being logical and mindful in my approach. But I guess I just wanted some advise on how to deal with the all consuming anger. Its all I think about. I wake up angry, I dream angry things. I don't like vindictiveness or spitefulness but I can feel these thoughts creeping in and they're taking over. Exercising, meditation and counselling isn't helping. I can feel the anger in me all the time. I just want the anger to go away. I want closure and I want to move on from this toxic chapter in my life but I cant seem to get away.

Hi SM

"Toxic chapters"...a good description.

Time of course us the best healer. Proactive actions is another.

counselling wont show signs of working for a long time in my experience but their advice plants the good seeds.

Sorry I cant think of any other remedy esp for anger.

Tony WK

Thanks for your reply. I have started writing things down to help with the anger, which seems to be working. I really wish I could cut all contact with him until after bubs is born just to get some closure but thats not viable option as he has visitation rights to our toddler. Its been 6 months since he has moved out and despite everything I still miss him. Deep down I know I deserve to be treated a lot better. I hope once the baby is here that will take my mind off my ex. I don't understand why he gets to be happy and move on and I don't? I've done nothing wrong. I haven't made up my mind if I will put his name on the birth cert. He hasn't had any input into the new baby. Been to any scans or asked how the pregnancy is going. I think I will wait until my son is born before I make up my mind on this.