Accepting that separation from wife is a matter of when and not will, what are my first/next steps, I have two young children that I cherish.

[Mr K]

After a long time of fluctuating between hopelessness and hope I've finally started the process of accepting that my marriage is over and separation is only a matter of when not if. I don't know where to start though, I've been so reliant on my wife for years that I don't know how to manage money, super, tax etc. Never mind how do I tell my beautiful children? How will I cope with being a single Dad hopefully with at least shared custody. How the hell do I manage working full time and dropping kids at school and day care it seems impossible and terribly hard on the children. I'm so time poor whereas my wife only works two days each week and has had a much longer time to process this stuff. I don't even have family here in Australia as I'm a permanent resident, does that status make a difference? I don't know where to start and I desperately want to do the best thing for my little girls. I earn a decent wage but i'm completely naive about how Super works, my wife has always taken care of stuff like that and I never dreamed we would separate. I know other people cope and hope that some informed advice will help me process this nightmare. I've told my parents which was very difficult and a huge step in accepting things but being overseas they are unable to help. How do I get through this and minimise any harm to my kids. I'm 45yo but feel like a lost child myself.

[Mr K]

What about phone calls or FaceTime skype that sort of thing when tyou he kids are at the other parents home? I know you’re going to tell me it’s up to the adult but I’d like to know if you think it would be good or harmful for the children. I’m only thinking a quick goodnight I love you type of thing?

[Aaronsis]

Hi Mr K

I can't speak for everyone and only what has worked for us, I think it is perfectly reasonable to call to say good night, whether it be a skype or facetime I think that is fine. I dont think though calling all the time is particularly helpful to both you or the children, they do need to learn to enjoy the time with the parent who is currently caring for them. It does take some time to settle in and they will get used to the new routine quite quickly, it is sometimes us as parents that it takes a little longer to adjust.

Once again it is all about communication and respecting the other person's time as they have the children and also responding to what is working well and listening to what can be improved. It is a bit of a "suck it and see" process for awhile.

Hope that this is helpful Mr K

Hugs

Sarah

[Mary_2]

Hey Mr K,

Similar, but different. 18y together, 15y marriage, x1 stepson and x4 daughters. Many actions n comments in last couple years, the realisation, he wasn’t committed to me or his family.

Outside world we perfect happy family. You say here and what I now see in hindsight 3years post separation. It’s way the other partner/ parent present themselves and choices they make.

After rejection on any level to reconcile, he refused to go counselling etc.

I didn’t blindside. I was upfront, I was moving out. He even came to check rental we moved into, I did value his opinion.

I moved myself x4 girls who were kinder & primary school age, X1 Mum (I am her caretaker), also 2dogs + 1cat!!

How I did it then I don’t know.
Rented near school, so they could walk on shifts I couldn’t take/pick.We stayed in same suburb for 9months, to keep school, friends and activities all the same.

Had mediation decide who gets what for major financial and family issues.

Those 9months, between grief, tears and sleeplessness, I set up for my daughters. Kept their day to day routine same just a different house. Exhausting, but necessary. I sorted my own financial situation, something we prev. in partnership, my own home loan and my will update. Found our home, a perfect fit. 2 girls now secondary and 2 primary, both fantastic schools. They walk or ride about 10mins if we are working.

Only a few issues understandably, as oldest was in yr 6 and youngest in prep changed schools mid year. Otherwise adjusted and still thriving.
I stressed, cried and lost sleep over?? My girls were amazing++

3years on it feels so different to be here. I surprised everyone and especially myself. I believe it came down to my focus on my daughters and putting myself in their shoes.

Throughout separation and still, I journal all my grief, anguish, guilt, anger etc. A way to release and sometimes reflect, or even forget. greatly improved my sleep and outlook.

My husband I still consider my best friend and lives 20min. Believe me their is still times of resentment and disagreements.The girls are full time with me, but he can have access anytime.

Sorry very long winded.
But this I know, you are doing great. You are your daughters Dad, that’s something that will never be forever. Take each day as it comes, even down to one step at time if required. Continue to seek and use supports you can. Ask for help it it’s out there.

Take care of their Dad and continue being all you are for them.
All bestMary

[Mr K]

Thanks Mary, honestly you have no idea how much I wish I could channel your resilience. As a full time worker I already feel like I don't get to see my little ones enough, that time between getting home from work and their bedtime seems to disappear as it is. I don't think people see the other side of the coin sometimes, my wife for example said she doesn't enjoy motherhood and other friends point out how good a night out without the kids is. I guess I'm a little same and different, sure I like an evening out, I even had one recently but, the first thing i want to do when i get home is go into their rooms and see them safe in their beds. I don't understand the money aspect of a separation either as money matters were always my wifes area, now i understand that even with a 50 50 care arrangement im probably going to have to pay money to my wife, even though she is capable of earning more than me. I wish I could work part time have someone supplement my income and spend all that extra time with my kids. I sound bitter again I don't mean to. My girls are not old enough to walk on their own so before and after school care may be my only option, such a very long day for my 8 yr old and I've no idea what to do with my 4 yr old, she has family day care mon & Tues and kindy starts soon and they are open at times that make it virtually impossible for me i.e. late open and early close. Their having to adjust will be hard on them and I expect they will hate me because of the tiredness and broken routine.

[Mary_2]

Reading your heartache, and pain.

Yes resilience!! I do shiftwork 4 days over 7 day week. Luckily I haven’t had night duty for couple years. Mum was help initially with babysitting.

I now care for mum with some in home support, so I can work. But her dementia has worsened, looking into permanent care placement. More than exhausted due stretching my time and resources!

My eldest is 15 and youngest turns 8 in 2days.

Primary 2 do after school care x2 days. The 15 and 13 yo walk to + from school together. If ex or myself not available. It is getting easier as they get older.

As far as settlement ensure you get what you are entitled to. I now regret just mediation with a trusted mutual friend of ours. At that time I agreed to 50-50 split of assets.

Their Dad has them maybe 1 night per month as sleepover, and occasional full day. No set care arrangement.

I never received any child support, for 2.5years, he is only last 6months depositing reg private payment. I have only just registered with CSA. Discovery!! I / girls really lost out financially.

What hurts more is that my girls are missing out on their Dad. I can see he is just waiting until they old enough to care for themselves, to have them more. But my heart aches for them. I no longer try encouraging him.

Be clear on 50:50 care if you can, have another school parent pick up and sit them for an hour or so. You’ll be surprised who is willing to help.

Let CSA determine who pays who support. I believe once youngest is 8 she’s expected to return to work. They will consider what is deemed her earning capacity.

These are the important things to get onto, once living apart. Then theres your will.

Try partime, or work from home? Centrelink will advise on what benefits you are able to claim to supplement. It would give you more time while they are younger.

Sorry if bombarding, but trying to share my hindsight.

Make to do lists and take one thing at time. Keep up your rituals and routines with girls,

IMPORTANT those are still at top of list.

As other things get settled, a rhythm will come. I cannot say routine!!

Centrelink is a minecraft field, LOl but CSA were very helpful.

Keep in contact on these forums, usually get better advice on many things.

As my great grandmother use to say daunting but do-able... and this to shall pass.

XO Mary

[Mary_2]

See the webpage "What to do when you become a single mum" on the Beanstalk Mums website.

It's for new single mums, works for both parents. Just insert Dad when reading. Hope it helps

[Mary_2]

Hi K,

wondering how things were going with you and your girls? Have you got a plan sorted yet

Mary2

[Mr K]

Hi Mary, its my eldest daughters 9th birthday near the end of this month. I’ve convinced my ex that we should let her enjoy that day at least before we sit down and tell the kids. We will try and explain that we are separating and that first we will have seperate bedrooms until one or the other, most likely me finds a new home. We will tell the girls that some of the week they will live with me and some with their mum. If we can stay amicable the plan is to buy a second, investment property and both will pay half of each mortgage. The only area I’m really stuck on is the before and after school care issue especially for my youngest who is still in family day care and kindy. Up until now “we” had been having some help from my ex’s Aunty but I don’t know if that will continue. Other than that i can see solutions or at least where i may have to make further compromises to get by but the shortage of time is a serious concern. It will mean very long days for my little girls so I hope they wont come to dread the weeks they have to spend with me? As for other stuff like setting up a second home, buying beds and other necessities it will be interesting to see how much of a divide the up until now “our” money gets. I cringe a little at the moment when my ex buys expensive stuff but reconcile myself that the girls will see some benefit from it at least. Thanks so much for the check in Mary, I was having a bit of a low moment today and the message from you has really helped. Keith.

[white knight]

Hi Mr K

Good to see you are progressing. What I did with the new home I build (with my own hands) was take my daughters to Spotlight and they chose the doona covers and curtains for their room. I already knew what they would choose but as they chose it that made them important. So we returned home with the fairy doonas and curtains that overlooked their fairy garden, made of concrete figures that they had painted.

Them days I bought new Lion King videos so they were never bored. I purchased a large pine frame and they helped me paint chalkboard paint on it for their own blackboard.

Some board games are good, you might want to keep some things like that at your home only so they look forward to coming over.

My only reservation is the "investment" property. I cant say I like that idea. Any future partner of yours or hers might not like it either. But it is your decision.

TonyWK

[Mr K]

Hi Tony, the idea behind the investment property is that neither of us have to rent. Certainly in time we may need to look at how we either sell up or buy one or another out but for now all that matters is putting a safe roof over my kids heads. We wont be financially independent for some years whether for better or worse now because of child support etc. at least with the investment properties we wont loose money in rent or end up being unable to get a mortgage in the future. I’m trying to get something close by so that the kids routine is as unaffected as possible and drop off pick up can be easy.