Abusive Marriage

[Kristina]

I met my husband 8 years ago, and pretty much from day 1 he has been cheating on me. I’ve lost count of how many girls including his exes contacted me that he’s still sleeping with them. Friends told me how he was sighted with other women. I went through a traumatic divorce a couple years before I met him, and I believe that played a huge part in staying with him inspite of all the cheating. Every time I would confront him, he would either deny or just break down crying and apologise. I am an attractive woman with a great career and supportive family and friends, financially independent as well. So I can’t explain why I chose to stay, but I kept falling for all the promises. We got married 4 years ago, and when I was overseas visiting my parents with my 6 month old daughter, he had women living at our home. I’ve had women come to my home the day after my baby shower to confront him, because he had them believing that he was single and living with a divorced, pregnant cousin (me). He’s been engaged to at least 3 other women during our marriage, his family has met those women and made promises on his behalf without ever saying anything to me, but eventually I found out. Over the years, the constant cheating made me shut down emotionally, and we stopped having sex because every time I tried, I used to visualise him being with other women. He complains about how I don’t go to the gym, look after myself, have sex with him. I did gain weight post pregnancy but I addressed his concerns and became fit again through diet and all the work looking after a baby requires. We have a cycle every few months, where he shuts down, calls me a great partner and friend but not a wife. We’re very social, so he accuses me of caring for our marriage only for optics in the society. He tells me that he’s tried to change for me, but that I haven’t done anything for him. We just got back from a 4 week vacation overseas, and 2 weeks after he’s stopped all communication with me, we live like strangers in the house. I maintain an upbeat exterior for our very happy 2 year old daughter, and I know he’s judging me because I look happy and normal, whereas he’s just mopey and acts depressed. I think I checked out of my marriage in most ways after a cycle about a year ago, when he rang up a divorce lawyer but then we reconciled. I always try and talk to him, only to get the response that I’ll never change and he’s just tired of me. He’s told me that he’ll be using online dating apps to meet new people because his emotional and physical needs are not being met. I have done so much for him and his family over the years, prioritising them over my personal space, comfort and even morals. And now I feel like I’ve just wasted all this time. He’s not talking about a divorce yet, but I will not oppose if he does. I’m just keeping up with our current engagement because it offers a kind of stability to my daughter, who he is an amazing father to. I’ve decided not to try and work on things anymore, I don’t want to reconcile, but I also don’t want to give him the pleasure of being the good guy who didn’t take the first step towards a divorce. Am I right in having given up?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

There is a few major issues here we can discuss.

First and foremost a visit to a family lawyer to discuss possible outcomes from a family court with your child- access, frequency of access etc by your husband is important.

Your husband, by your account, is gaslighting you by in effect blaming you for his affairs and betrayal. This is common whereby a partner tries to play on your guilt conscience to make him be the victim. You might try to see this logically in that if a partner isnt happy in a marriage the first step would be counselling for you both as a couple. So in effect he's a serial free as a bird lady chaser and knows you so well he has successfully blamed you for his actions. 

Being a good father doesnt justify staying with him, he can continue with his fatherhood with legal access. But most important in my experience is that you try to keep any friendship and open communication between you healthy because 16 years until your child is 18yo is a long time to keep up with communication between you both if the chat is frosty. I went 14 years trying to be friendly with the mother of my kids but try as I did every call was painful with her nasty attitude. When  my child reached 18 I had to, for mental health reasons cut all contact with my ex wife. So being friendly and hopefully making a promise to each other to put your child first is crucial.

Any separation is very difficult but after a period of time you'll grow stronger. I wish you well and you can continue on with this thread or post new ones anytime. Take care.

TonyWK

[audiology]

Hi - welcome to the forums! In addition to all that White Knight has already stated - I would also like to add something worth thinking about when it comes to your mindset of wanting to stay in the relationship - you say you don't want to pursue ending it because he is a good father and to maintain stability for your daughter? Allow me to jump right in there and ask you what kind of example is that setting to your daughter? 

I am incredibly sorry if this comes across as blunt or unkind - I can assure you it 100% is coming from a place of kindness and compassion - but I find it incredibly hard to believe that after all you've been put through in your marriage that you are even entertaining the thought of staying in it? I mean I can understand the desire to 'stay together for the kids' as the old adage goes - but I can also assure you that that plan 99% of the time ends up having negative outcomes for all involved, including the children. This man has manipulated and gaslit you to the point that even after all you've been put through, you're still willing to stay with him - and that is the real tragedy here, and I am eternally sorry you've been put through the absolute hell you clearly have been put through. 

[Doors24]

Dear Kristina,

 I have personally watched an emotionally abusive relationship happen around me for at least a decade and can empathise with the complexities that come with it. I can’t do a single thing about it.

There are ambivalent feelings involved. You can absolutely love and hate the same person at the same time. You can acknowledge that they are doing such hurtful things to you emotionally and mentally, yet still find it so hard to do anything about it. There is fear and there is anxiety.

There are so many components to go through to finally free yourself from them. And sometimes with gaslighting and narcissistic behaviours, it can halt you in place. Whether you want to be there or not. Words from others, unfortunately can weave themselves into your mind and turn them against yourself. And we believe them. Believe that we can’t life without them. A roof over our heads or independent living, with the ability to make good or smart choices without them. Or if we do something they don’t like, then we are punished for them.

My only concern is that after witnessing an emotional abusive relationship for at least a decade. Is that it eventually trickled down to all the children as well. One person rules an entire household and all who live in it. And not everyone there is financially stable enough to leave. So they have to submit too. No matter how bad the behaviour is towards them. No matter how wrong they know that it is. No matter if they have acknowledged that it is an abusive relationship.

Your child may just be the catalyst to make the first move. As happy as their life is for them now, at their age, it has the potential to change in the future. And it is your responsibility to protect your child. I just don’t want you to have regrets. And if you can get out now, the opportunity might not be there in the future. Financially speaking.

 It is okay to take the time you need to explore exactly what steps you need to before you make any moves. And it is okay to not get everything successfully achieved in the one go. Sometimes you need a few go’s before you can make that successful move.

He may be a good father, but he can also not be a good husband. And they are two different things.

You have not failed anything. You are not a lesser person if you leave him and move on with your life. I don’t believe anyone who knows you, wants you to be where you are now.

Perhaps there are other organisations that maybe able to call a hotline or work with you to help you navigate a way out, without your husband knowing at all. So you can build your confidence without any gaslighting bringing you back down. Or connect you with people who have been in your position and can give you practical support. Being a mother too.

 I know what it is like to be stuck in a hard place,that once upon a time, I would have had such a strong opinion on. And words from others sometimes just can’t be applied to your life.

 I hope you navigate a way that works for you.

Keep reaching out and talking if you want too. It was such a smart and brave thing to be so open here.

Doors24