I ruined my life

tahliasdesire

I regret everything in my life and I'm only 18. I can never make my mum happy, whatever I do seems to make her mad and I can't deal with it anymore. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it's everyday I'm being screamed at over something I did or didn't do, or something that my dog did.

I'm only 18, my mum and dad never taught me how to do basic things like laundry or cooking or washing dishes so now I feel like a complete failure.

I try to love my mum, I really do but I resent her for not believing me when I told her my dad sexually assaulted me when I was younger. I regret not going to the police sooner, I regret giving in when my mum and siblings convinced me to tell the police that it was all a lie so my dad didn't go to jail.

My entire life I've been bullied, since Kindergarten up until highschool. I've always been the ugly kid, the weird girl so when year 9 came around in highschool I started hiding in the toilets during first period then running out of school when the bell rang for first class. I didn't graduate highschool and I regret it so much. My brains forgets things so easily and it frustrates me even more now that I can't get a proper job.

I'm such a failure that when I got my first job, they silently fired me after three weeks. I tried my best even when I hated talking to customers. I can't find the motivation or the want to find a job anymore but I desperately want to run away and live on my own but I can't. I have my dog (miniature dachshund) and he's complete chaos.

I feel guilty when I think about surrendering or rehoming him. I don't want to be the reason he goes to a horrible family who can't love him. I love my dog so much that if I run away and end up homeless, I don't want to have to bring him along with me and put him in danger.

If I do end up running away I don't want to leave my little sister behind. She's like my best friend and I don't want her to be stuck dealing with my mum and 2 year old autistic brother. I have an older sister and another little brother but they don't live with us currently and I'm so jealous of them.

I don't know why I'm making this post. I have zero friends or relatives to talk to about my feelings and needed a venting place. Some days I just want to end it all.

melodica

hello Tahliasdesire,
I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. It sounds excruciating and exhausting. None of what happened, the abuse, the bullying, the yelling, is your fault. You were a kid trying to make sense of things that should never have occurred in the first place.

I can relate to parts of what you’ve shared. I also wasn’t believed about things that deeply hurt me, and that kind of rejection can hurt for a long time. Feeling angry or lost is a human response to being betrayed by people who should have cared for you.

Not being taught basic life skills doesn’t make you less capable; it just means you weren’t shown how yet. Those things can be learned, but what you went through emotionally isn’t something anyone should have to face alone. Talking with a counsellor or psychologist could really help you begin to unpack what’s happened and find ways to feel more grounded.
I’ve found counselling helpful for slowly building trust and making sense of trauma. It doesn’t erase the past, but it makes it less heavy to carry. You deserve support from people who treat you gently and take you seriously.
You’ve clearly been trying so hard to manage everything with no absolute safety around you. I hope you can find someone safe to talk to and take things one step at a time, with your dog by your side. You don’t have to face this on your own anymore.

Doors24

Dear talhliasdesire,

Reading your post, I can understand a lot of what you are sharing. It is very overwhelming to be in a place you don’t want to be and with people you equally don’t want to be with.

You haven’t deserved or done anything to be treated this way.

What stood out to me was your love for your dog and how you want to protect them. I too live somewhere,with people I don’t want to be with. And I don’t yet have an avenue to leave. And I also have a small dog. The only reason I get up every day is her. I protect her every day. I too have often thought about if I left, I couldn’t take her with me. It wouldn’t be safe for her. So I stay for her. There is no way I am leaving her. And I understand the feeling of not wanting to let them go incase the people they end up with don’t love and treat them well. It is heartbreaking to think about. But you have such care and love for your dog in your post. That is a wonderful trait to have as a human being. You certainly haven’t failed at love and compassion for another leaving creature. You also have such love and care for your sister too. The fact that all this has happened to you and you can still think about other people makes you a wonderful person. You taught yourself to be like this. You didn’t need your parents to show you.

I was wonderIng as you are 18 now and legally an adult, if you have ever looked into community/public housing in your state? It would have to be done in MyGov or a Housing Department office. And if you have any documentation of any diagnosed conditions?(You don’t need to share them here). If you did that may mean you could apply for Priority Access for housing. Now the waiting lists are quite long even for priority access. But even if you just applied, you could get yourself registered on the Housing Register list and have an avenue to leave your house. It realistically takes quite a few years to be offered even one place. But one avenue is better then no opportunities. It might just be worth googling it and checking it out. Plus depending on your state, there maybe laws that can’t deny you taking your dog with you.

Plus if you have a GP, a Medicare Mental Health Plan, can allow you to access a psychologist. Another thing your parents don’t have to be informed of.

Lastly, you are not a failure. You are strong and resilient. You have compassion for others and strength to post on these forums and be open and honest. All of these things are very big. All these things you have taught yourself. And you should be proud of them.

Please take care,

Doors24

Summer Rose

Hi Tahliasdesire

Thank you so much for trusting our community with your story. I know it took a lot of courage to post and I hope the vent helped you to feel a bit better and the responses less alone.

You are not a failure.

But you were failed terribly by your father who abused you and then by your mother who did not believe you. Again it is so disappointing that your family pressured you to withdraw your formal allegations and did not respect your need to make your own decisions about how to deal with the police. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. None of this is, or was ever, your fault.

You are an incredible young woman doing her best everyday to cope with life despite the incredible weight of childhood trauma.

None of us can change our past but we can heal and move forward--and this includes you.

I'm just a mum but I have cared for my now adult daughter who lives with a chronic mental health condition for over a decade. I can clearly remember a time when she could not attend high school or if she did nothing went right, her friends deserted her and she was bullied. She had a similar mindset to you in that, some days she just wanted to "end it all". She focused on addressing her mental health issues first and then found she was in a better place to successfully deal with life's other challenges.

From my experience, things like learning household skills, seeking and keeping employment, re-visiting education and finding independent housing can happen for you, but it starts with addressing your mental health issues. It's about setting you up for success in the world.

I've got two suggestions for you on how to go about this. Firstly, do you live near a Headspace Australia Centre? I'm asking because Headspace Centres offer free or low-cost mental health care to young people. (You will need money to visit a private psychologist or psychiatrist). If you visit a centre you will be assessed for care and connected with the right mental health professional to help you and everything is kept confidential. I encourage you to Google Headspace Australia and see if this could work for you. If it's not possible to visit a centre, they also offer online services that may be of use to you.

Bravehearts is another source of potential help for you. This organisation aims to provide a coordinated holistic approach to the prevention and treatment of child sexual abuse. They offer a range of services that could be really helpful to you, their phone number is 1800 272 831 (free call).

I'm so glad that you have your wonderful dog to care for and love, along with your little sister. I'm sure they both bring much needed light and love into your life. I'm also sending you light and a hug, hang in there. And please post anytime, we will be here to support you.

Kind thoughts to you