Hi Not_grumbling
I feel for you so much, given the challenges you're facing at this time in your life and your marriage. You definitely need some support, so re-establishing a connection with family and friends sounds like the way to go for a start (as long as those relationships are positive and constructive). When I find myself lost in life at times, having certain guides around me becomes a must. Not only can such guides create a sense of direction, they can also help shed light on things I'm not entirely conscious of.
Based on my own experience with alcohol in the past and the experiences of people around me, I've reached the conclusion that everyone drinks for a reason. The question becomes 'What is the reason?'. While some may have a glass of red each night with dinner for health reasons, others binge or drink heavily for a whole other reason. Typically it will be related to feeling. 'I don't want to feel these feelings. I want to feel those feelings instead'. Whether people admit to it or not, they're drinking heavily for mind altering reasons and to alter how they're feeling life. Mental and emotional reasons. With alcohol being a mind altering substance, it does tend to change inner dialogue. While sober, the sage in us may insist 'It's time start developing new and interesting forward moving brilliant paths within the marriage. You need to express this to your partner'. When intoxicated, the helpful guiding sage is drowned out, replaced by some semi destructive aspect that is accusing and not so gentle and wise. While the sage in us or some other conscious part of us will be reasonable (able to lead us to give and accept good reason), other aspects of us can be completely unreasonable. Reasoning becomes a waste of time when someone's been drinking. If your wife does have a sage somewhere in her, speaking to that part of her will have to happen when she's fully conscious and not semi conscious (through alcohol).
I can't help but wonder whether your wife is someone who has a history of being sensitive. The ability to sense the need for compassion, love, support, excitement, adventure, change etc is an incredible ability. Such sensitivity does come with a challenging or what you could call 'dark' side as well. You can also sense what is stressful, what is depressing, what feels soul destroying etc. As a 54yo gal who's no longer an emotional drinker (trying to manage emotions through alcohol), I find it's important to feel deeply into and address what is stressful, depressing, soul destroying etc. If such things aren't addressed they tend to continue and even worsen. While painful, they are the feelings that push us to evolve beyond where we find ourself in life. I imagine your wife's expressed what she's feeling, whether sober or intoxicated. Sifting through a lot of the hurtful and brutal words, may lead you to some revelations. Could she possibly be in a depression, a deep and very dark place?
