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Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Camellias
Community Member

Hoping I can receive some advice, thoughts or positive words.

ive been in a relationship for over a year. The person I am seeing often needs time alone, time alone with her children and also time alone with friends.

She often tells me she ‘wants to miss me’. When i first heard this, it actually hurt. I couldnt understand why she needed so much distance. Why doesnt she want to be with me more, what is wrong with me etc etc.

why does not seeng me for days, make everything better for her between us? Im trying to understand why my absence makes her happier. Why does she need to be apart from me to realise how much she loves me. Am I that repulsive...or that difficult to be around, I just wish I understood.

This lovely lady does not want to get married, is happy dating and taking each day as it comes. Id marry her in a heartbeat if I could. I want to sleep beside her each night for the rest of my life, she wants to have some nights/mornings alone. And always feel guilty for wanting this.

I feel that our future is very much damaged by her past(prev bad marriage) and because of that my opportunities with her are very limited and restricted.

i feel so lonely without her, but I do not say anything as I sense its pressure she does not want. I miss her a lot when we are not together. But she doesnt seem to miss me or tell me so. She just is super happy to see me in small dosages.

please understand I do not write these words in spite, negativity or anger. I simply long to understand and perhaps many kind folks on here will get it and share with me what I fail to see here.

How can she love me, when she barely wants to see me? How can I stay important to her, without placing pressure of calls, texts to her etc?

Also struggle with how her phone is virtually her lifeline. Even in the time we are together she is mind deep in messages. I feel very bad when her friends call etc as she doesnt call them back because she is with me, she requires privacy always with her friends. As it pings, makes noises etc she will always say “ its just John “ ((whoever it is at the time) How can I make her feel as though thats Ok and also still feel acknowledged? She often tells me I seem sad when her friends are messaging her or calling her.

thank you for listening to me, i truly hope i have made some sense or someone will relate well to help me through this.🌸

57 Replies 57

Hi

Yes nearly 5 years here. I was awarded life membership recently which I'm very grateful. Ive written over 300 of those articles.

Ive been in love as much as you feel you are but, I know, for various reasons, we can be infatuated with someone too. Thats when your heart rules your head and logic no longer exists.

My therapist identified this. He told me that theoretically we can fall in love with one in 20 people but only 20% of those will be a compatible relationship of equally returned feelings.

A quick story. My first ever love, she had serious psych issues and we lived together. For 6 years she'd leave our defacto marriage to return to her mothers place once a week or so. I'd get home and they'd be a note waiting for me saying she was leaving me. Each time I'd be devastated and she'd return one or two days later.

Then when 6 years came around I told her I'd give her 12 months to decide what she wanted as I wanted marriage and children. When that 12 months arrived I questioned her about her future. She was still undecided and had continued to leave notes and leave and return.

I packed my bags and left forever, the hardest thing to do. Not only because I adored her but I felt sorry for her mental state of confusion and non commitment .

20 years later we bumped into each other. She'd had 3 other live in boyfriends since and I asked her if she'd left notes to all of them as she did me. She had.

So that is why we have to keep love in perspective and think practical about it. This topic isnt about your gf. It is about you. Your gf has the right to carry out her life the way she wants and treat you the way she wants. It is how you decide what you want that matters and her WILLINGNESS to work together for a future. You can't enforce willingness just like I couldnt enforce my first love to stop leaving me.

That is called looking after your own best interests. It only becomes clear once you've separated and time goes by...you'll look back, recall how much you loved her but then realise how one sided it was and...how silly she was to not want you more than how she did. But you cant change how others behave.

She is not in her world to live up to your expectations and your not in her world to be deprived of your needs. You need a lady that has you as her priority and visa versa.

I know this as I found her. Her world is my world, my world is her world and it is our world.

TonyWK

Hi TonyWK

how do I move on when he has been my family for 15 years. I thought we would grow old together. How can someone change and not want to change with their partner.

I’m devastated that he can move on just like that and I’m here in a complete mess.

He has his family and friends. I have nobody. So when the kids are with him I’m alone and feel like I wasted half my life on someone who doesn’t love me anymore.

Good morning Labs4life

I just wanted to say I feel exactly the same as you right now. Everything you have expressed, I feel.

Although her children are not mine, I sure have involved myself enough to feel they are mine. It’s like losing them as well.

When she is with them I feel those things you do too, loneliness and left out.

She has indeed a close circle of friends, mostly men. She has family, I have no friends to call, no family. She was my family too.

I am sitting down by the water feeling the same as you. Wishing we lived closer could grab a tea/coffee. No words needed, I feel what your going through.

I feel as betrayed as you. As hurt and as lost.

I hope TonyWK and others provide a semblance of hope for you.

When the children go to visitation(not sure what you call it sorry) remember You have two beautiful dogs you can cuddle hold and shed your tears on. They will love you always, unconditionally.

Can you take the dogs somewhere to focus on them for the time the children are gone?

I am here if you want to talk. About anything.

What is the happiest memories you have of your Labs?

🌺

Hi Camellias

It’s all hit me this morning. Going down a depression episode. Kids will be here in a few a hours but I think I’m not going to be good enough for them I don’t want to cry in front of them. What do I do with them now all the questions they will ask will break my heart even more.

Im just lost.

My happiest memory is being at the beach with them and the kids.

Good morning TonyWK

Thank you for always being there, your such a great support, truly helpful. I can see that your 5years of assistance to this website has been well earned. Over 300 articles is just amazing, thankyou.

I too feel the same as Labs4life, although we are in slightly different situations our feelings are the same.

Honestly your truth hurts but it’s needed. Of course I want to sit here and listen to what I want to hear, but there are things I don’t want to hear, that I must face too. Things I’m guessing a friend would say in brave attempts to help.

I shed tears, because I know your right about many things you have expressed. And through your experiences you share, I see red flags, I see how poorly Ive been treated, yet the love runs so deep I loose that logic you speak of.

In just three days I have wanted to beg for her back, say I’d do anything, I cry myself to sleep wondering why I am so unlovable, such a burden.

Its been like getting those ‘ I’m leaving ‘ notes you endured in the past. Every so often she pushes me away, and it leaves me feeling desperate.

I knew from the beginning of dating her that her children will always be her priority, that’s ok I wanted them to be. Children deserve that. She often would say to me that when I am with her, I am her priority, but she lives for her children. If it wasn’t for them, she wouldn’t be alive.

I can’t expect her to live for me, but is it wrong that I actually want that kind of love? My world is your world, love. Why is it wrong that she gave me purpose as did the children. Why that is such a burden to her, I may never really know.

Could it be that she wants to flirt, be mysterious, spend her weekends with men and live a life of no commitment, and that I make her feel guilty because of that? Because she loves me, maybe this makes her feel guilty and if I’m out of her life she can continue on with life feeling less pressured to love me.

She is looking after her own best interests, which don’t include me. Why does that seem so wrong and feel like betrayal?

thank you for listening..

🌺

Dear Labs4life

This is hard, but I have faith in you. I know you are doing your very best right now to pull yourself together. Trying to smile and be happy for the children, focus on the things they enjoy and be as positive as you can for them. Your doing your very best, you can’t ask more from yourself right now.

Try to look your very best for your children, talk to them about the happy times you remember like down at the beach with the Labs.

Ofcourse Im not expert. I’ve only been exposed to children for a year and tried my best to be there for them through the chaos of visitation and a very evil father. I’ve tried to support them as much as her. Sometimes I don’t have answers for their questions but I hold them and assure them they are safe and that I will do my best best by them.

Is there something fun you can plan to do for when they get home to you?

Thinking of you 🌺

Hi Camellias,

I truly feel for you as being newly separated I really relate to what I feel is a disconnect between you and the lady you love. Obeying the rules of the site I can't go into details here but let me just say that my husband was always on his computer which would often be turned off instantly when I walked into the room and during the night, I would find him gone and see the light on the study.

He would talk to me/answer me only when he felt like it and he left me more than once to go fishing in another State, once when my mother's death was imminent. It was soul destroying and even though in my case, I finally asked him to leave because of what he was doing but also because he didn't seem to want or need to connect with me in any meaningful way and I can feel your frustration as I lived 9 years like that.

You know I am not a professional but I believe that you are leaving your future and your future happiness in the hands of another over whom you have no control instead of find alternative things to fill your own life. I feel rather cheeky saying that as I am not doing well at finding company and new interests myself but I know I need to.

My partner had absolutely no empathy and couldn't feel how abandoned and neglected and betrayed (in my case) I felt. It seems to me that your lady either can't or doesn't want you to be her significant other or she would be listening and putting your feelings first and yes, you are right, she would want to spend a lot of time with you. That doesn't mean that you two aren't individuals but if there are other people more important to her than you are, no matter how much you want to, you can't control her behaviour, only yours. Waiting around for her to change into the woman you wish she was is not a good use of your time.

I finally realized that I was the one who was constantly miserable and left alone whilst I lived around and for him. He certainly wasn't doing that for me. I realized that I man I married and deeply in love with was not in fact anything like the man I found myself married to. I may have ended our relationship but that doesn't mean it has been easy for me. I am every bit as sad and lonely as you sound. Please do something for yourself but waiting for someone else to make you okay just doesn't work but it is what a lot of people do when their self respect is at an all time low. I wish you all the luck in the world. Cassandra

Dear Camellias

I don’t have any money and it’s raining here so all I can do is play board games with them.

I rang beyondblue as I am a wreck and she gave me good advice to take step by step don’t look to the future which is hard to do as I am a planner.

But i am so depressed that I don’t think I can be a good mum when they get home. Once again I have to put on a brave face.

And all I need someone to hug me and cuddle me, but I have no one even reached out to friends and they are busy with their life and family.

I seriously don’t know how I am going to cope trying to be a good mum while going through this.

thank you for your kind words

Dear Labs4life

Im feeling lost too.

With my situation, she knows I have no one, no family, no friends. No financial stability. No animals. She knows all this, she has this.

She is aware I can’t afford basic things like internet too or good meals. That’s not her fault, I know, but if she truly loved me what would she be doing?....

I venture to the local library for the internet, even on today so I can maintain some hope by coming back to beyondblue.

Ive walked up and down the lake here and hoped nature would give me some answers. I am thankful I am alive and breathing but breathing hurts.

I also am thinking about the animals she has that i have bonded with for over a year. That we rescued together, made a hole with together, I miss them too.

And the items in here house that we all got together, from her bedside to display items - Has the magic faded in them so swiftly too. Am I just a material item that can be picked up dusted and shoved aside? I guess so...

I see all my flaws reflecting back at me by the water and I see her enjoying the best of life without me. No doubt excluding me from her social media too so she doesn’t ‘ feel so guilty’.

Do you like the water? I ask as I know Labs generally do too

🌺

Dear Labs4life

Firstly I am proud of you. It takes courage to call and speak to someone. You did that all on your own. BeyondBlue is always there to help.

I have also called in the past and had a lovely lady try to help, by offering step by step advice.

Its hard when your a planner type person, to take a step back and to slow down, especially if it’s against our nature. But you took a step today on your own by calling someone.

Board games are a great idea, how about colouring in, watching a favourite DVD with them? It’s so hard when it’s raining to keep busy with children. I hear you on the no finances front.

I need that hug and cuddle too, it’s the hardest when we have had that for so long and suddenly it’s not there.

Your such a brave soul, I believe you can do this. Try to have a shower to relax and put on something that makes you feel good about yourself. You have two children who love you and I’m sure will have missed you.

I am here for you too, although I’m not very sure I have been much help.

🌺