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Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Camellias
Community Member

Hoping I can receive some advice, thoughts or positive words.

ive been in a relationship for over a year. The person I am seeing often needs time alone, time alone with her children and also time alone with friends.

She often tells me she ‘wants to miss me’. When i first heard this, it actually hurt. I couldnt understand why she needed so much distance. Why doesnt she want to be with me more, what is wrong with me etc etc.

why does not seeng me for days, make everything better for her between us? Im trying to understand why my absence makes her happier. Why does she need to be apart from me to realise how much she loves me. Am I that repulsive...or that difficult to be around, I just wish I understood.

This lovely lady does not want to get married, is happy dating and taking each day as it comes. Id marry her in a heartbeat if I could. I want to sleep beside her each night for the rest of my life, she wants to have some nights/mornings alone. And always feel guilty for wanting this.

I feel that our future is very much damaged by her past(prev bad marriage) and because of that my opportunities with her are very limited and restricted.

i feel so lonely without her, but I do not say anything as I sense its pressure she does not want. I miss her a lot when we are not together. But she doesnt seem to miss me or tell me so. She just is super happy to see me in small dosages.

please understand I do not write these words in spite, negativity or anger. I simply long to understand and perhaps many kind folks on here will get it and share with me what I fail to see here.

How can she love me, when she barely wants to see me? How can I stay important to her, without placing pressure of calls, texts to her etc?

Also struggle with how her phone is virtually her lifeline. Even in the time we are together she is mind deep in messages. I feel very bad when her friends call etc as she doesnt call them back because she is with me, she requires privacy always with her friends. As it pings, makes noises etc she will always say “ its just John “ ((whoever it is at the time) How can I make her feel as though thats Ok and also still feel acknowledged? She often tells me I seem sad when her friends are messaging her or calling her.

thank you for listening to me, i truly hope i have made some sense or someone will relate well to help me through this.🌸

57 Replies 57

For the last 7 years my husband told me he loved me and still cared but his actions did not match and his actions were the truth.

I hope it’s different in your situation.

Hi

I'm sorry, I'm more direct with my beliefs.

Your partners past relationship was with someone else that treated her poorly...but that isnt you. If she was that badly affected then maybe she should have had a few years without a relationship and have counseling to overcome the memories?

I used to date nurses and teachers when younger. I used to say to them "I truly like and respect teachers...as long as they dont teach me". They couldnt leave their tone at the gate!

The same with my last partner. See, I used to semi restore cars and resell them for a profit. My then partner's ex husband did the same but always made a loss....but she didnt see the difference. Her mind was scarred by her ex.

Another example: when with my last partner I flew model airplanes. She didnt like me spending money on them. After 7 years she asked "how much money have you spent on model airplanes that could have been spent on a round Australia trip"? To which I replied "$11,000" to which she said "are you proud of that"?

I replied "well had you not spent $35,000 on cigarettes we could have had a round the world holiday"!

Hence you said "...but always tells me she feels guilty, when she doesn’t include me in events in her life. And actually blames me for this guilt and tells her close friends & so they tell her she isn’t happy" - blaming is shifting responsibility , be aware of this. It isnt fair on you.

Im sorry to sound so negative. I'm a realist and see clearly peoples pain when they doubt themselves.

Relationship counseling would be a good thing for you both. If you asked her it could be a revelation in that if she declined it would be a sign of her level of commitment which I'm doubting is sufficiently enough to satisy you.

I dont doubt your love for her, even her love for you. Ive learned over the years that "love" is a component needed for happiness....one component of many.

TonyWK

Dear Labs4life

Im so sorry. You deserve better and I really wish this for you. That’s a long time to endure false truths.

I am unsure what my gf’s actions mean. I ask, I enquire but I sense they maybe lies too. It seems to be easy for people to lie, some are so good at it you’d never be able to tell. For what it’s worth, I want happiness for you.

I wish I understood why people do these terribly hurtful things, cause such pain and heartache - But I too myself, am stuck in the depths of despair asking, Why. Blaming myself. And trying to put one foot in front of the other.

I wish i had someone I trusted who can stand beside me and say ‘ This is definitely not right or this is ok, just take it slow’ etc.

Im grieving for a relationship I can’t seem to keep the flame alive for, willing to do anything For someone who can’t even ask me how my day was.

When I live I give my all, no half truths, no distance or excuses. I just want the same in return. I remain hopeful, the hopeful fool.

Sending you a warm hug

Dear Camellias

Im sorry you sound like you are in my position where you have all this love to give and you think you are with the right person but they don’t give you as much back.

I wish you all the happiness to come your way as well.

He is a good liar but in the end his actions spoke louder then his words.

Im home alone and I feel so lonely but I have felt this way for a long time even when he was here.

I just think it’s going to take time for me to grieve this loss.

Hi Labs4life

Re: "I just think it’s going to take time for me to grieve this loss"

yes, it will be several weeks or months but in my experience you can help yourself greatly by distracting yourself as I've previously said.

In my case once I built my own home, in another case I took up a hobby and in the third case I did volunteer work and started dating again even though I wasnt ready. It allowed me to regain my confidence.

TonyWK

Dear Camellias

I am in the same situation I have to take down our wedding photos the family photos. And the worst part is I have 1000s of photos with the kids with their dad and I don’t have many with just me and them. 😢💔

I wish they would love us back.

Dear Labs4life

It seems we both have an abundance of love to give.

Like you I am sitting in my apartment feeling lonely. The difference for me is when I was with her/her children I felt purpose, like I finally found my family, complete. The children felt this way too, but she felt a loss of herself, her independence or many of things.

For me I got used to feeling loved, appreciated, wanted and now there is this distance, this huge wall she has put up herself. I’m hanging by a thread and already grieving what may come.

Maybe I am not worthy because I am poor, cannot work or may end up on disability for life- maybe that’s not what she wants, maybe she has changed her mind and decided she suddenly wants someone financially stable.

she was my emotional support and lighthouse, but instead of being proud of this she has continually reminded me, her friends that if it wasn’t for her, I’d be on the streets. She reminds me of every single thing she has done for me, who does that?

If you love someone you don’t seek constant praise, don’t you just do what you do out of love, what is with the tallies. Im the most grateful person I can be, but it’s like my appreciation, constantly thanking her isn’t enough. She wants to continue to say she feels she has to care for me, her worry isn’t love it seems to be more guilty conscience (for whatever reason)

Apparently my love is smothering difficult and too hard to deal with. Who would of thought ?

maybe these are her actions that contradict her ‘ love and care’ for me.

i guess I will never know, as I’ve been cast aside and become the last person she contacts now

You are not alone. I maybe not be the most helpful person on here but I do care.

I have hope for you.Hope you will come through this grief

🌺

Dear Labs4life

I feel for you, I really do. Memories are so hard to acquire, we embrace them, hold onto them for they are precious. And then the unthinkable happens.

i can’t eve look back through the picture it hurts too much was it all just fake or lies, I will never know. I think I may have just been a friend or companion to fill the space in between her friends, children, social life. If so, that hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt. I like a death, the grief that is.

You are so brave, do you have anyone who can help with the pictures? Is it something only you want to do on your own perhaps? How difficult it must be to wish you were in most of the pictures with your children. At least you have some memories to hold onto, captured I mean.

Maybe now you can make more with just them and you. More hopeful memories.

Although this is different to your situation ...when I first met my gf I was offended she would often just take selfies of herself and her kids. I felt ‘ am I not worthy or proud to be in her pictures ?’ Until I realised why. She spent two decades in a marriage and most of it was all pictures of her ex and kids, hardly any of her with her children. I felt honoured to be included in her usual Christmas pictures, birthdays, outings etc occasionally she still takes them of just her and her kids and feels guilty about it. Again nothing I’ve done but she sure makes me feel bad about it.

So many times I wanted to go through the pictures today but if I did I would have crumbled into tears again.

So we both have these memories in our hands and hearts. We could try to remember the good times, embrace the happy moments with the children we have had. And I hope you start making new memories with your children, in hope do better days to come.

you deserve that happiness, that hope. I wish it for you tonight and always.

youe so lucky to have beautiful children and dogs too. Give them some treats from me.

🌺

Hi

If I was to tecall the three break ups I endured, the suicides of my brother, a suicide attempt of mine (prior to separation of first wife 1996) and countlesd bipolar challenges ...the one thing that always saved me was my positive attitude and not being too hard on myself.

Google and read the first post of these

Beyondblue Topic 30 minutes can change your life

Beyondblue Topic the best praise you'll ever get

Beyondblue Topic only the strongest survive. Make it YOU!

Beyondblue Topic suicidal,? It isnt all your fault

Beyondblue Topic relationship split

Beyondblue Topic controlling your life- how important is it?

That is a bit of reading but rest assured Ive been writing these articles for a long time and they will help you clarify things.

TonyWK

Good morning TonyWK

Thank you for the links. Unable to sleep, I read the first post of each as you suggested.

I just want to say to you personally how I am thankful you made it through such hard times, being in those situations must of been some of the hardest battles you have faced. I am glad you are still here and your helping others, that’s making a difference.

Hardest part of my day is trying to keep busy. Dealing with her lack of contact, knowing her life goes on and mine has come to a full stop.

Have you been helping on beyondblue for many years now?

Thank you for all you do

🌺