Writing a letter to my parents, my mum in particular

[KalahariKatfish]

"I'm writing to you because it is easiest for me. You may call it cowardly but that's your opinion. It's less scary and causes me less anxiety to do it this way. You have conditioned me to fear confrontation and cry as soon as I hear shouting. You have been a good parent to me for the most parts, providing for me and (My sister). But you've also done some horrible things. Shouting and insulting me until I'm in tears and then getting more angry when I start crying. A mother's natural response to their child in distress should be to comfort them, not to shout or sometimes laugh and ridicule them.
And to be more specific, the reason I've been avoiding you and dad is from the other day. Dad threatened to hurt me. He threatened to kill his own daughter. Over some cats. I understand I took it too far, and I was stopping as I had previously told you. But that doesn't justify what he said to me, or how I'm being treated. And it doesnt justify you allowing him to say that to me. Arent you worried that your husband threatened to kill me? You know why I kept cat sitting for as long as I did, you know how difficult it is for me to get a job, to talk to people, to make friends. I was doing my best to make an income and get through uni. You seem to forget how stressful university actually is, and how much work I have to put in.
I will apologise for what has happened with the cats, as I have in the past. The only reason foxy was out was to make dad happy. But I will not apologise for being upset, scared, and avoiding you. If you can't understand why then there isn't much more I can say.
I'm telling you all of this because despite what has happened you're still my parents and I want to continue to have a relationship with you two. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me to help me become who I am. But if you can't see that what happened was wrong, I'm not sure what more I can do. I have other people that will care for me and protect me. I'm not trapped here. And if you're confused about anything, I'm happy to have someone else talk to you about it too. Because you laugh this off and forget about it, but I don't. This is serious and effects my life. "

[KalahariKatfish]

For context, mum has bipolar disorder and has always had rage problems, shouting at me. Dad has started having early onset dementia and has been getting more angry. He has been to the doctor and went on antidepressants for 2 weeks and stopped taking them without consulting the doctor due to his hands shaking... and he refuses to go back to see the doctor. I've been having cats stay at my house while their owners go away to make some cash while I'm at uni, along with working 2 other jobs. I have my boyfriend (20) who lives with me (20) I have diagnosed autism, anxiety, social anxiety and dyslexia. The other day, there was some cat pee on the floor and mum found it and told me, I cleaned it up and she wasn't too angry. She told dad too and he absolutely lost it. Was screaming at me and said "if you bring another cat into this house I'm gonna hurt you" I can away and cried.
The next time he talked to me he was telling me he ordered more pen ink for a pen I bought him... still hasn't mentioned what happened. I've been avoiding them, and mum has been getting super angry, "You need to think about what you've done and stop acting like an idiot". And then today she chased after me and said this is my fault not theirs and I'm the one that needs to apologise. I haven't confronted them about what has happened yet.
I will have enough money to move out next year, but for now we could move into the boyfriend's mum. I'll have to leave behind my pets: 6 cats, 3 dogs, snake and 6 fish tanks.
Thank you for any advice on what I should say...

[Rose_3]

Hi kalahariKatfish,

I am commenting on this because as soon as I saw it, it really struck a cord with me. I love my parents and are so grateful for everything they have done for me but it is so frustrating sometimes when they don't see how much their words have and are hurting me.

Your situation is a tough one but no matter how much you love your parents, remember to love yourself too. What your mum said about it being your fault, it was not your fault. You are not at fault for anything. Please don't feel guilty about what happened. You are clearly a very clever and strong person to be doing Uni and trying to earn your own money as well as dealing with your own problems.

The only suggestion I could make to you is to look out for your own wellbeing. Do whatever you feel will be best for you and your life. And get professional help if you feel you are actually in danger.

And I love the letter format idea. I think I might give that a go some time to vent some feelings I have towards my parents. So thanks.

I hope you find the courage to keep posting. Remember, these forums are designed for you to be able to relax and open up, if you're comfortable to do so. I am happy to listen to you vent about your parents/life, we may be able to help each other.

I am only new to Beyond Blue but I hope this helps you in some way.

And remember: You're Awesome!

[Sophie_M]

Hi KalahariKatfish,

We are sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time with your mum and dad. We take reports of abuse seriously. Please know that we are concerned about you and are here to support you as much as you need.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000.

If you are not in immediate danger, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is a great resource that offers counselling and support services for people experiencing family violence and abuse.

Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.