How to explain PTSD to another?

[Needingadvice2018]

As title says, how do you explain to someone close to you what PTSD is or means in your life? How do you explain how certain things control your life or daily routine that you simply can't change for fear of what might happen if you do?

i left a relationship many years ago, have since been diagnosed with PTSD due to dv, mainly all mental/controlling techniques he used but two occasions where I wasn't sure if I would see the sun again. I am now struggling to let my partner about the actual depth of my past, whilst I've been very open with the situation and what I and the kids went through, I've never let on about diagnoses (ptsd and depression) but I fear it will sound like I want sympathy (I don't, I'm strong enough) but I really want to be able to explain why I feel the way I do about being in certain situations or visiting specific areas of town. I've moved a distance away from my ex and do not want to go back near that area.

i believe I need to be very honest about my pat but I just can't find words to explain it... I don't look broken nor would anyone other then drs and psych even think there is something going on behind the scene with me.

appreciate any advice thank you

[geoff]

Hello Needingadvice, thanks for posting your comment which is a very good question.

You have had a terrible experience from a previous relationship, especially if you were scared whether you would see the next day, this is going to leave you feeling with terrible memories, that's how PTSD is created.

You are not wanting sympathy just want people to recognise how you are feeling and many people have also had to or still struggling with it themselves and know exactly how you are feeling.

How can you explain it to your partner, well you could ask him if there is something from the past that has happened which he thought he would want to change, a gentle start because he's going to ask you the same question, explain to him what's happened so you talk about it because the longer you leave it the worse it will be for you.

You don't have to explain everything at once, you can start off by telling him bits and pieces at your own pace.

I know you have said you are strong, and that's great but each one of us does a weak point where we need help at times and remember that's when we need to ask for help.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Needingadvice2018,

Thanks for your post.

PTSD is so complicated as you know, and so invisible to the human eye, which is why it can be so hard to explain and understand - even at the best of times.

One of the things I try and focus on when explaining it is the idea of trauma - and trauma can be loosely defined as anything that overwhelms the brains ability to cope.

If you've ever seen pictures of a 'normal' brain vs a brain with trauma, you can see there's so many visible affects in so many areas of the brain. Sometimes looking at this/showing this can be helpful as it gives a little reference and something we can physically see.

How does your partner 'learn best'? If he's a video type of person, Phoenix Australia has some clips here - https://vimeo.com/132773892, or some fact sheets here from SANE https://www.sane.org/mental-health-and-illness/facts-and-guides/post-traumatic-stress-disorder or even a book such as The body keeps the score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (you may want to highlight or show certain pages/chapters).

and finally - you mentioned you don't want sympathy, so you can absolutely say that. Let him know what it is that you do want or need from letting him know. Maybe it's something like "I want you to better understand why I feel this way about visiting that area". Or maybe there are more practical ways that he can help (i.e. giving you space, providing comfort etc).

I hope this is helpful!

[Needingadvice2018]

Thank you both Geoff and Romantic-theif... I guess I'm just worried I'll come across as looking needy or similar... very different to the person I pitnout to the world. It's almost as if he might think I live a double life... as I said no one in my family or friends would k ow any of this - sure they know my past and witnessed the many verbal, physical and emotional attacks, but they also helped me leave and I'm safe now.

Issues is my current partner is desperate for me to live with him, however he lives in close proximity to both the ex and the general area (ok I'm talking a good 30 min drive but so much closer then me here 2.5 hours away!). We have been together many many years living separately. Both have history but both k ow and love each other on a very different level. I don't want to look like I'm using this as an excuse not to live with him. But it's the total truth. I don't think I would cope putting myself back in the area, knowing how close the memories all are. It's so disheartening as it's like my past is dictating my future.

It would be easier to tell him I have cancer. Something everybody knows and accepts. I feel like I'm a failure for my past and not being 'man-enough' to just move on from what happened and live my life.

Why is this so hard? Why can't I just wear a tattoo which explains it and then I can look broken and in need of fixing. Then I'd be accepted.

[PamelaR]

Hi Needingadvice and welcome to our forums

Glad you've found your way here. You're not alone in how you feel. I too have PTSD and it isn't something I've divulged to many people. I told my partner and he accompanied me to a couple of counselling sessions so he could get some understanding of what was happening.

I find it always very difficult to say anything (though it is getting easier now). Why? Because, people -

• won't believe me. Mainly because PTSD is often seen as only something that happens to returned service people. But this isn't true. PTSD happens from trauma.
• think it was my fault that the trauma happened. So I have much guilt and shame. Though this too is easing with all my therapy.
• think why didn't I get out of the situation sooner? There is stigma about people who stay in abusive relationships for as long as they do. However, with a lot of health and media promotion this view is changing.

Other things that impact on me are - talking about the trauma or that I have PTSD is traumatic itself. I go into an anxiety, panic attack during the conversation or soon after. Who wants to put themselves through that? Well, I do as I know in the long run things will improve. It's better some people know, e.g. my boss.

It was many years before I told anyone, apart from my hubby. So I understand your reluctance. Fear is very real. My first husband was abusive and I put over a few thousand kilometers between us until I got a divorce. It has taken me over 30 years to put my fear to rest. That is a long time to hold onto it.

The moving closer proximity to your ex is going to be a biggy isn't it? Are you seeing anyone for your PTSD? E.g. health professional and doctor? Have you talked this through with a psych? If so, what do you think about taking your partner along with you to a sesion?

Be kind and gentle with yourself. The fear you feel is real and it isn't going to go away just like that. While I too was not showing any signs of PTSD, as time went on, patterns of my behaviour weren't good to sustain, e.g. withdrawing from people, social outings, irritability, lack of focus, anger outbursts, inability to function and moving into depression. You need support by those around you. What I've found is there has been a lot of rewards for telling my hubby. He understands when I'm triggered, doesn't pressure me. Also told my boss.... she needed to know.

Hope some of this helps. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Needingadvice2018]

Pamela your post rings so true, I could have written how I'm feeling exactly as you describe it.

i really appreciate your advice, I wish I could move a few thousand miles away from him as then I might feel safe but even then I fear he will still email text and stalk - it's not fun living like this and no one really knows how isolating it can be. 30 years - wow that almost scares me more! But I get it and I'm not sure I will ever feel free - we do share a child and whilst I have others who do drop offs and pick ups the 5hr return journey between houses is a long time to ponder. I can't expect others to do this for me forever but they do it simply because they know how hostile he can be over seriously nothing. I still get messages telling me I'm worthless, not a good parent, not on top of child's medical, basically anything I do or don't do gets attacked. It's horrible.

Anyway thank you for your afvciw, yes I am seeing both my GP, a dv councillor and also a psychologist. I have weaned off the medication after 5 years but some times I just feel I am going downhill and there isn't a way out. I know I need to explain to my partner but I fear him thinking it's all in my head (it is!!!) but I know I need his support.

[geoff]

Hi Needingadvice, it would really unwise to move back close to your ex and in the same proximity where all of this happened, everywhere you go will remind you of all of what you are trying to get away from, please consider your choices.

Geoff.

[Del_Aqua]

Hi Pamela,

I have just signed onto this site, and I do agree with the advice that you have given Needing Advice. However, what I am unable to find is where you say surround yourself with others. What if there is absolutely no-one in your life (as it is with me). Doctors don't understand, past 'friends' have distanced themselves (because they don't know what to say?!?!), end even psychologists have put me in the 'hard' basket. This site is my last resort. But I truely wish that all the people that are trying soooo hard to weather the storm, actually do. Sincerely Del Aqua. (AKA of the water....ie floundering)

[Needingadvice2018]

Thank you Geoff, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I have a question, I know there is no mysterious easy answer. But how do I explain that to my partner? I am getting conflicting advice - my side (friends and family) say I'm nuts to even consider moving and changing kids lives etc the other side say I'm being selfish and mean making my partner choose older kids over me/our children together. No one knows the daily struggle and I do t want anyone to know.

[PamelaR]

Hi Del Aqua and warm welcome to our community forums

It is sad to hear that your doctor and psych do not understand you Del Aqua. That's really a difficult siutation to be in. I'd like to talk more with you if you want, e.g. the things you've tried (change of gp, psych etc)? So your information doesn't get lost are you able to start your own thread?

Look forward to hearing from you Del Aqua.

Kind regards

PamelaR