witnessed mother in laws death. distressing content

[Starrysky1]

Distressing content

I'm not even sure what I am trying to get out of this, but I've been really struggling. Back in 2016 I found out I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I was on a medication at the time, that meant, IF my child even survived he or she would most likely have severe disability and physical deformations. We were advised to terminate. The day before my appointment I miscarried in the shower, at home, completely alone. The pain was unbearable, both mental and physical. This was pretty much hidden from everyone except my partner and mother, because mum thought it would be to hard for people to know.

About 1 month later my partner had to unexpectedly fly over to another state to be with his mum, who was diagnosed with lung cancer and only given weeks to live. About a week after he fly over, I got a call to say get here now. At short notice I left work and got on a plane. I spent 1 day there.

The next night, while we were at hospital and I was watching my partners nephew, while they had some family conversations. His nephew had an asthma attack and had to be taken to the hospital about 10 minutes away, but my partners, sister in law. My partners childhood friends also travelled over to say there goodbyes and we were staying at his brothers house. I was asked to stay with there mum that night (As she didn't want to be alone) Most of the night she just slept, her last son left the hospital at 7pm. I sat next to her all night and about an hour later I grabbed a pack of biscuits that was out. The rustling made her wake up and she started coughing and choking. I instantly hit the big emergency button and nurses came rushing in. I stayed there the whole time with her as she passed. 

Afterwards the nurses told me to go and get cleaned up before her family arrived. And for some reason once they all left the room, I rang her sons to let them know. I layed there next to her for about half an hour, (family was at least an hour away) before a nurse came in to start cleaning her up before her family got there. They covered her body upto her shoulders, so her family couldnt see the mess that had happened during her death.

I am still struggling to deal with what I seen and the fact that I couldnt do anything to help her. Ive tried getting family and friend support, but they dont want to hear it, and obviously I cant talk to my partner or his family about it 😞

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to the beyond blue forums.

I am not sure how long you have thought about this, and probably doesn't matter as at this time that thought was too much and you needed to talk to someone about what happened and you came here to write. It is also unfortunate that you feel there is nobody you can talk to among family and friends.

And yet part of me ... My mum didn't want me to go into too much detail about things happening to me at one time. She didn't want to worry more than she was.

Perhaps in your case there is too much detail. Too shocking for them. And so you feel you are on your own. I am guessing here.

People grieve at the loss of a loved one. I think that what you experienced was extremely distressing and something you would not have expected. I don't think there is anything I can say to make it easier for you and if you want to talk some more I can at least listen.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Starrysky,

The miscarriage and witness of your mother in laws passing both sound very traumatic. So both of these things were in 2016?

It is a lovely thing you did staying with her at the end. I would hope that made her last moments better in some way. So your family don’t like to talk about it? Sounds like there are a lot of leftover feelings that want to be explored to help soften these terrible memories

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Starrysky,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I am so deeply sorry for your miscarriage...and the loss of your mother in law’s passing...

My husband was diagnosed with cancer and given only a few months...I nursed him at home, taking him to the hospital when needed and back home again....I watched as a strong man became only a shadow of himself..it was the hardest thing I ever done..Two days before he passed he was admitted into hospital..I stayed the first night but went home the 2nd night....I have regretted that ever since as he passed away without me holding his hand or just being their with him....

Being with your mother in law when she passed would have been a blessing for her...I know it was very hard for you, being with your mother in law when she passed...but Please Starry, try hard to know that you done your very best by staying with her, comforting her and showing your love for her while she was so unwell...and there was nothing else you could have done for her....God bless her...

I’m wondering if talking to a professional may help you..sometimes talking to someone away from family and friends can help....After a few years of struggling I spoke to my Dr..who helped me so much with a mental health care plan....and counselling...which has helped me....

My heart goes out to you lovely Starry...and I’m here most days if you want to chat about anything...as the other forums members are as well....

My kindest thoughts with my care..Starry...and a gentle comforting hug...(if that’s okay)...

Grandy..

[Starrysky1]

Hi here2talk

Yes both were in 2016, only about 5 weeks apart from each other. And 5 months after the death of one of my students at 9 years old. It’s not like death was something I had never seen, but to be delivered so much of it in such a short time just broke me.
even though everyone at the time had told me I did not have to stay and witness anything that happened, I kind of felt like it was my duty because no one should be alone.

no they don’t. I think for my parents it is to distressing for them to hear what I went through. And my friends just didn’t know what to say. After opening up to one of them that I was struggling I didn’t even hear back for 6 months. I don’t like to talk to my partner about it, because if it was my mum I wouldn’t want to hear the bad details of her death 😞

I don’t necessarily relive the memories through dreams or nightmares, but still have times when I go through all the events in my head, down to the time on the clock and it makes me so sad. I feel like it all got a lot worse once I had a baby, and lost my entire suport network.
the older we all get the more terrified I get at what I know the future will bring

[Here2Talk]

Terrified at the fact that everyone who is alive will eventually pass away?

[therising]

Hi Starrysky1

My heart truly goes out to you as you're left to make sense of so much, on your own. I'm glad you came here in search of people who thrive on making a positive difference to others. I see you've already met of few of these amazing beautiful people. They really are such beautiful people.

Everyone around you sounds so dismissive. I can't help but wonder how they can so easily dismiss all the things you've witnessed and felt and still feel. Perhaps they don't want to raise things in case they trigger you to upset. Do you think that could be the reason or is it a matter of them not wanting to feel upset? You sound like an incredibly compassionate thoughtful person, someone so sensitive who feels so much. While feeling so much can be a gift, it can definitely feel like a curse at times.

I'm wondering how people guided you beyond your heartbreaking miscarriage. I can relate to miscarriage and know just how heartbreaking it can be. Did your partner or mum help you make sense of things in the process of working to help mend your heart or do you still feel heartbroken? I'm wondering about the medical staff, who knew you witnessed your MIL's passing. What support did they offer you? Did they offer a counselor? What about all the relatives, did they put their grief aside for one moment to consider the support you needed? Regarding your 9yo student, while to a degree I can imagine how painful those feelings were (when finding out) I can't imagine the full extent of your pain and upset. While I imagine the school would have offered counseling to students and teachers, did anyone in your life really push you to go like perhaps they should have? I can recall how much of a pain in the butt my mum was when she pushed and pushed and pushed me to go to post natal depression group therapy. If it wasn't for her insistence, I can't imagine what my life would be like now. It was actually this therapy that led me out of my 15 year battle with depression.

How would you feel if you were led to scream at a room full of the people who don't want to discuss feelings 'YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M FEELING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL? WHY HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY FEELINGS?!' May sound strange but I've taught myself to become triggered (to intolerance) when relevant people choose not to discuss my feelings. Feelings are there for good reason.

I'm so glad you came here to express exactly how you feel. Far healthier to vent than keep those feelings inside.

🙂

[Starrysky1]

Yes I think so. Not sure if her death triggered it or just a fact of getting older but it does make it hard

[Starrysky1]

Hey therising

thankyou so much! Everyone has been great and it’s so nice knowing there is somewhere I can go that people understand or don’t just shrug it off.

I am honest not sure wether it’s for lunch same or there own that they don’t want to speak about it. But it really sucks! And I have definitely always wondered why I had to feel so much so deeply but apparently that’s what has made me a great support to others over the years.
after I had the miscarriage it wasn’t spoken of, it was honestly like it had never even happened 😞 to date still none of my family even know about it apart from my parents.
yes we were offered our employee assistance program and I did use them once, but honesty didn’t find them any help at all .
The medical staff that were present when it all happened had quietly said to my partners sister in law, it was horrific and to look after me, but they had to get home and start funeral preparation straight away so people could travel over in time. None of them ever spoke to me about it, apart from asking was she peaceful. Of course they know what happened, and they know why she had been covered upc but it’s probably a very hard scene for them to picture

i Honestly don’t think I would do anything but sit down and pretend nothing is wrong, because no one has cared from the start and anytime I try to talk about it, or even simply if I need help. No one is there to be found

thanjs for your message

[therising]

Hi Starrysky1

I imagine no one intended for it to be this way but this all sounds rather cruel, the way you were not deeply cared for.

I wish I was there for you, triggering everyone to wake up. Sounds like you're the only one fully awake. From my experience, I've come to see the most feeling people to be the most awake. They feel oppression, suppression, depression so intensely. They feel inspiration, the feeling of being loved to life and hope so greatly. You could have a country filled with a million slightly oppressed people and only one or two of those people are sensitive enough to feel the oppression before it escalates. You can have a room full of folk who will be listening to a speaker and only a couple may be sensitive enough to truly hear and feel hints of inspiration coming from that speaker. They're the ones who make the greatest connection with the speaker. To feel is to make a connection.

Myself, I'm super sensitive and I thrive on it. I used to see it as more of a curse until someone helped me make sense of my 'feelings'. I learned to trust my feelings more and more. Looking back on a particular time in my life, which you could relate to, my perception of this time has changed dramatically, based on reassessing what I was feeling at the time. At the time of my 2 miscarriages, I was already in a depression. Both pregnancies were planned, so I was looking forward to the end result of each. While the people around me were comforting, my husband included, after a number of weeks everyone started to say 'You just need to get on with life'. Yep, thanks for the strategic management plan, not! This advice made me even sadder and left me feeling more dysfunctional than ever, for I was meant to be 'getting on with things' by now, apparently. As I say, I can now make sense of what most of my feelings were about and I think the most intense one was 'disappointment'. Everyone was disappointing themselves from the role I'd appointed them at the time. The role: Those who will raise my consciousness and spirits through acts of love and support. The only acting I could see involved people not caring the way they needed to. I could feel the lack of care. I could feel it deeply and painfully. It felt like heartbreak. You know that feeling in your chest.

Every feeling is a reference point, giving you an ability. If you have felt oppression before then you gain the ability to sense its presence. You become super sensitive, feeling your way through life.

🙂