I wish my loved ones understood that you can't just 'get over' something traumatic.

[jemma09]

Hi everyone 🙂 I hope you are doing well today.

First off, I am so thankful that this forum exists and all you wonderful people are part of it. I feel like this is a place I can always go to and I can get things off my chest.

As per the title, my loved ones often tell me to 'get over it' if I am struggling about a traumatic time I had in the past. I understand why they take this stance, they are stoic and believe in just keeping on keeping on. I wish they would listen to me if I wanted to talk about it. But I have had to manage on my own with it a lot. I feel that some people may not realise that something traumatic does not just 'go away' once the event itself finishes. Sometimes something will trigger it again and the trauma resurfaces. I have got a friend I can talk to, but they have having some struggles so I might talk to them about it in a day or two. I have also been to therapy for this issue which helped a lot.

My ex partner stalked me after we ended the relationship mutually. This kept going for about two years after. I had to tell the police.

I saw him today.

I just can't believe it.

I was planning to enjoy catching up on some shopping and browsing the aisles for what I fancied. He was there. I could not escape. I was forced to be near him and interact with him as he works at that store.

I still did my shopping, I do not let this beat me. There were other people around, I felt safe. He had to check my shopping bags before I left as their store policy. I hope he did not see my hands shaking. I do not want him to know how much what happened has impacted me, and still does.

I did some more shopping. But I felt like I could not go home right away. I wanted to just drive, get away. I almost decided to drive to another town but stopped myself. I just felt this need to be distanced. I was still shaking. I hate I was so close to him, it was less than a metre.

When I got home I showered. I scrubbed my arms because they were close to him. I threw away the bag he touched.

I have felt very numb and odd for the rest of today. I am upset. I told my family it was 'a lot' seeing him again. I tried to see if I could have a hug from one of my loved ones and they said no. We do not hug much generally and joke a lot. But that hurt a lot. They make me feel as if I am weak for what I am feeling. So, I stopped talking and went to bed to lay down. I am trying to manage it. I am still feeling upset. I know I will be okay.

Thank you for reading!

[geoff]

Hello Jemma, and a warm welcome and so pleased you have come to the site for help, because as soon as someone says to you to 'get over it', it just doesn't happen and only makes the situation worse, especially when they deny you any hugs or cuddles, that unfortunately, you have to suffer in silence.

For your ex to stalk you for 2 whole years is absolutely terrible and only if you had some support, then this could have been reported to the police much earlier, but when you're by yourself this is not easy to do as you may be frightened of any response you might get back, and this doesn't help you one bit.

It makes you wonder whether he got the job at this store knowing that you frequent it and if so then I hope you have other shops you can shop at, and please let us know, this is very important for own safety.

Whether or not therapy has provided help for you, may now mean since seeing your ex that having a relapse is possible, not that I'm a doctor to make this comment, but I have had relapses myself and know how they happen.

Are you able to continue this counselling once again and mention to them what has happened and how you feel.

You are definitely right by saying ' traumatic does not just go away', because there are different triggers that may bring you back to where you were originally, this is what you need help with and hope the therapist can provide different ways to stop these from happening.

Moving away may not be suitable and you're not sure how long he will remain at this store, perhaps you could find out the hours he works and then go shopping, but I certainly feel so sorry that you had to encounter this.

Can I ask whether you have any AVO on against him from the previous occasion, but perhaps you could talk with the authorities about this, but please Jemma, really hope you can get back to us, because you have our support in every way possible.

Take care.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi jemma09

You're an amazing person Jemma, you really are. I'm amazed you managed so well to guide yourself through what in fact was a monumental challenge on this occasion. While you may be imagining how you didn't cope, I can easily see how well you did cope. You're more powerful than what you imagine.

One of my biggest triggers is 'You just need to get over it'. The second someone says these words, BAMM, I can feel an instant rise to agitation or even fury at times. It really does trigger me. I see it as a thoughtless statement, a statement involving no thought and virtually no emotional input. It's a lazy statement. A lot of the time when you ask 'How do I manage getting over it?' the response will typically be 'I don't know' or 'You just have to stop thinking about it (the thing that's challenging you)'. Great management plan, not! There is no form of management here. Enough of my rant 🙂

With 2 years of having your nervous system triggered through the regular siting of this dude, I imagine it's not going to be an easy task, managing and mastering your nervous system response. With 2 years of having your mind invaded by thoughts of him, I imagine it's not going to be simple, managing and mastering getting him out of your head to a large degree. With 2 years of him interfering with who you naturally are (fun loving and easygoing), I imagine it's going to be no simple task when it comes to reconnecting with who you naturally are. Those who advise 'Get over it', are not fully acknowledging how he has impacted you in all 3 ways, body, mind and spirit (aka natural self). I imagine just the thought of him triggers a biological response, a psychological response and a natural response, the natural response being 'I feel him invading my mind and body or biology/chemistry'.

In my opinion, feelings are highly underrated when it comes to self empowerment. While it's not my goal to specifically trigger anger in you, I would love nothing more than to trigger a sense of self empowerment and self entitlement. You have every right to be angry. Have you every thought 'How dare he believe he has the right to mess with my mind, my biology, my chemistry and who I naturally am! How dare he invade the life that is mine! I will show him who's boss, who's in charge here!'? If you were to take classes in Krav Maga, for example, does he have the right to stop you from (a) such a form of self empowerment, (b) self mastery and (c) meeting others who are after the same thing?

🙂

[jemma09]

Hi Geoff!

Thank you very much for your response and kind words.

To clarify, he does not stalk me anymore to my knowledge for over a year now. He has a new girlfriend (I hope she is okay). I did speak to the police when it was still happening and my family did support that. My family just say to me now that I need to move forward and 'get over it' since the event has ended. I do not have an AVO because the police told me they needed more evidence that he had done something to me. All the stalking occured through others - messaging my friends and family, visiting my family's workplace, talking my coworkers when they entered his place of work. This did not seem enough for the police to do anything, however, they made a note on the system and were happy for me to call again if it continued.

I do not feel unsafe generally, I have moved past that now with the help of my therapist. She helped me to see clearly in how to rebuild that. I do not actually frequent this shop, I can't remember the last time I even went in there. So I don't know why he works there, I doubt it is anything to do with me. I also don't need to go into this shop as can shop online for Kmart so it's not a problem - which I plan to do.

I feel alright after sleeping. But yes, I have a very supportive doctor and she has told me just say the word and she can organise some support for me anytime. I try to stay calm about it and try not to catastrophise, I rather try to focus on facts. This has just thrown me a curveball.

Take care! Jemma

[jemma09]

Hi therising!

Thank you for your response and support. I appreciate you positivity, that's a method that helps me a lot.

Yes - I did pull through :). I wrote myself a note afterwards that said 'I AM STRONG.'

Right, exactly! The 'just get over it' can bring up lots of negative emotions. Ah yes... 'just stop thinking about it'... why didn't I think of that? Hahah. I agree, it is a statement that is lazy. I think until someone goes through something similar, they don't know the lasting impacts an event may have.

I love the way you have said that about the systems of the body - thank you! This has really helped just now for me to refocus my thinking into the body and being mindful. Rather than being stuck in my head. Yes, I became quite a scared and isolated person for some time until I started therapy (she was a god send). This is true, I don't think of him much these days but if I do I think of him I get so mad. Ooo I love this! I definitely believe in having that self-empowerment and entitlement, I am going to look into those classes. I appreciate your support, this is exactly what I needed!!

Take care, Jemma.

[sunnyl20]

Hi Jemma,

I am sorry about what you have experienced, and that your family has not been more understanding. I cannot imagine how distressing it would have been to see your ex partner. You should not have to manage your distress on your own - you deserve the support and care of those around you if that is what you want. It is disappointing that your loved ones have not been able to listen to you and have only isolated you further. You are right - a trauma does not just 'go away' once the event has passed. And re-living that experience can be just as painful and distressing. A traumatic event (or series of events) can have pervasive physical, mental and emotional impacts on a person long after the event itself, as you have described. You should not feel ashamed of how you responded, you cannot get just get over it and move on when something has happened that has affected you so profoundly. It sounds like you did your best to manage and cope with the situation.

I am so glad that you feel comfortable and able to share on this forum, and that you have been able to have the support of therapy and your friend. Take care.

[jemma09]

Hi sunnyl20!

Thank you for your response. Your reassuring words have helped. Sometimes I feel silly ... as if I am overreacting but as you said, the trauma can be retriggered and one can only do their best to manage it.

Yes, even just being able to write down my thoughts in the forum is very helpful. My friend knows about this trauma I have so I am sure they will be happy to chat, they have told me that they are happy to listen if needed anytime. Which means a lot. And being able to share with understanding people here too is great.

I have tried very hard in the last year to share my vulnerabilities more, challenge myself and make new friends again. As I isolated myself for a long time. Sure, I have had some losses and hard moments. But I think it is still worth trying.

Thank you again and take care! 🙂

[MC2]

Hi Jemma,

You have had a some great advice from everyone so far. I just wanted to say that from I have read, you are an amazingly strong person. You have shown the strength leave the relationship, the strength to work through the stalking and now you have the strength to reach out for help when you need it.

I suffer from PTSD myself and though it has been years since the incident I still get triggers, some big , some small that will take me back partially or fully.

I never had any support through it or after, no friends,family, therapist and that was the biggest mistake. Like you I get the 'move on already' from the family. Sometimes it can be as simple as they can't cope with the situation themselves. They don't understand because they have not been through it or something similar. They feel awkward and uncomfortable because they're not use to situations like this, or they're not the hugging type. That is fine, not everyone is.

This may make you feel sad however not everyone can be there in that way. I have learnt to compartmentalise the people in my life. I have the support team like your friend who is there when you need to talk. You also have here as well and a therapist is always good to have in your corner.

Sometimes it's just nice to be with loved ones for jokes and the laughter, and have a that distraction.

Take each day as it comes, take the time to look after yourself.

I hope you are feeling stronger now and please take care.

[geoff]

Hello Jemma, many thanks for getting back to us and when people say 'just get over it' puts them in one corner of the house and you in another, they simply don't know what affect a situation like what you are concerned is all about.

It doesn't show any of us the compassion we need to begin to grow the strength we need, this is what we definitely require from others to help us gain ourselves once again.

Take care.

Geoff.

[jemma09]

Hi MC2

I appreciate your words, thank you for the kindness.

That is a great way to look at it actually, the compartmentalisation. Having people in life that can support for different reasons. My friend I can talk to and family I can joke and be silly with.

It is helpful to hear people share their experiences. I am not sure if I have some form of PTSD, but that is something I can investigate.

Thank you! I am going to try and reach out to my GP again for some help.

Take care, Jemma