When does the good stuff start?

[remboy]

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for nearly all of my adult life but only first sought professional help ten years ago. My depressive episodes come and go and, I was in the midst of another struggle which began late last year. One day in January I was having a bad day at work so went for a walk at lunch time to get some fresh air and try to change my mindset.

Unfortunately, I just happened to be in the Bourke St mall just at the exact moment the car drove through killing six people and injuring dozens more. I know there is no good time to witness that sort of thing but this was the worst possible moment, when I was already in a bad place. I have struggled to sleep without medication since that day.

The following week I started seeing a counsellor through work as well as my own psychiatrist but am really struggling to work through everything. As an introvert who suffers from anxiety I find life a difficult experience at the best of times. Getting through a typical day of dealing with people and the world in general is draining and exhausting. Right now I'm struggling to see what the point of it is.

The sessions with my psychiatrist have been difficult in that they are uncovering that I haven't dealt with the past. At my last session my psych told me that she'd never come across anyone more controlled by fear than me. I've always known about my problems in that area but this made me feel that I am beyond help.

I'm not sort of person who would take his own life but if somebody told that when I went to sleep tonight I would not wake up I wouldn't be unhappy. I am struggling to think of what I would be missing out on.

[remboy]

Thanks for your reply. I understand fear very well. My last psychologist told me she'd never seen anyone more controlled by fear than me. I didn't find it a very comforting thought.

Knowing that so much of my life is controlled by fear is one thing but being able to do something about it is another thing altogether. It completely controls my interactions with other people. I find it so hard to make friends. Being at work is at least a distraction but being around people for 8 hours a day is draining.

On the flip side, when I have time to myself I don't have the distractions and the feelings of worthlessness take over. It's a constant struggle and I get frustrated that nothing seems to make a difference.

[blondguy]

Hi Lindsay

I am still 'controlled' by fear even nowadays to even a small degree. It still is an awful feeling which will probably be with me for a long time to come.

I was told the same by my psychologist just few years ago

Feeling drained is an ugly reality when we are feeling like this as we are using up so much of our mental energy

Good on you for hanging in there and seeing your counselor too!

There is no such thing as a dumb question here. I hope you feel comfortable asking us whatever you wish 🙂

Great to have you here as part of the Beyond Blue Forum Family Lindsay

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[remboy]

Thanks Paul. It's always nice to know there are people who really understand. This weekend has been a perfect example. I havent left my house for two days and yet still feel exhausted. I know this is not healthy but can't think of what I shoukd be doing.

I tried conveying this to someone at work on Friday but when I asked if they wanted to do something on the weekend they said they were busy doing stuff at home for the next three weekends. That only serves to make me feel more worthless and less understood.

At the moment I feel like I'm just watching life pass me by and there's nothing I can do about it.