I'm really lonely and just wanted to connect

MamaD · ‎19-04-2017

I'm really tired. I'm feeling really lonely. I have a lot of grief to still get through. Its been years. I'm so tired of having to work through trauma, watching for triggers. Dealing with the fall out of being triggered. I lost two friends over the last few months and I'm now down to none. This puts a lot of pressure on my partner. I find it really hard to connect with people. I find it hard to be emotionally vulnerable with people. I turned 40 last month, and after years of friendship (long distance a few calls a week) known each other for 30 odd years, she forgot my birthday. Sent me a text to apologise, when I asked her what happened, she just disappeared. Ghosted. The pattern I have found is that as long as I'm supporting or showing interest in them they stick around as soon I may start opening up and looking for support or advice or just to have a vent, they disappear. It then gets harder and harder to connect. I'm sad and feel alone tonight. I just couldn't bring myself to call anyone, the reality is, I don't really have anyone to call. Is there anyone out there?

Fairywings · ‎19-04-2017

Yes hunny we r here for you all of us xx welcome im sorry to hear that your going thru this life is never easy nor is grieving it takes time believe me as the yrs go by it gets easier xx true friends will not behave this way they will want to share an intrest in you ur likes dislikes problems etc and help you get thru them not just dissappear. Don't feel as tho you are to blame they are the ones who are missing out on a wonderful friend. People will come and go each and every one of them will teach you a different lesson in life use it as a t ool to allow for self growth and development you will then really work out who your true friends r. I won't lie know many girlfriends but only one is my closest go figure they say to keep your circle small xx there is only one person you need to support and that is your inner self intern you will become stronger to toss away what no longer serves you that includes those so called friends xx you can always reach out to us we are all here for you xx pls don't feel as tho ur alone and having to deal with this u have all of us and there are many of us xx pls take care of yourself and do what makes you happy you will feel sooooo much better and your soul will thank you for it xx warm regards Venessa

MsPurple · ‎20-04-2017

Hi MamaD. I completely understand your situation. I know how frustrating it is to feel like you give all of yourself to them and make sure they are ok but you don't feel like anyone is there to do the same for you? It can be kinda heart breaking. Have you talked to your friend about how you are feeling? Have you told them you seem to be there for them but they don't seem to reciprocating. It can be a difficult converstation to have but it can really help your friends understand how you are feeling. My friend was doing a similar thing. I messaged her asking how her first day of work was and called her and when I started my new job a few days later she didn't do the same thing even though I told her how nervous I was. I felt kinda like I wasn't worth her time or wasn't important enough. I talked to her about it and she felt guilty and said it is something she will work towards. Some people just don't seem to understand that they should also give to receive. I think it is all something we should do but some of us just need some improving on. I feel like for me it is just something I do. I always make sure everyone around me is ok and sometimes I wish others would do the same. Just try have open communication with them and it can really help with the friendship. You sound like a really considerate person and they would be the people missing out on the friendship. If you ever need someone to talk and you are having a really bad day you can always call the the hotline on the bottom of the this page. You can always come here for support and to chat to other people. We are always here to support each other

I hope helps - Purple

geoff · ‎20-04-2017

hello Mama, I think sometimes when you are feeling down then everything seems to go wrong and all your previous issues just mount up, nd generally no one is interested in how you feel but only themselves.
'Friends' disappear as soon as you want support, they're not interested because their life is more valuable to them, so you are left on your own, and that's not good when you really need to talk with someone, it's so disappointing.
I pick up someome three times a week to take shopping and all he does it talk about himself and what's happened with him, but as soon as I say something I'm always cut off in discussion so that he can talk about his doctor's appointment or what has happened in the group of units where he lives.
When you stay at home alone all these triggers go through your mind plus the thought of not being able to ring a friend who was once there, but can I ask you to google this, you may have already, however 'make friends when you feel depressed',there are sites for you to look at, because what you have to try and do is research ways where you can interact once again, because when we stay home and lament your problems seem to triple.
I'm sorry you are in this position. Geoff.

MamaD · ‎05-05-2017

I've only just looked at the forum. Its worse for me now. I have PTSD and have begun my next lot of therapy. I haven't looked at the forum because I just wasn't sure if anyone would reply.

I have been triggered today which I won't go into but its left me exhausted and depleted. The hardest thing I find though is the loneliness, the guilt for being triggered and that I really want to connect but find it too scarey. I struggle to go to town and I struggle to share, I don't think I'm in a position to start up friendships and to traumatised to open up. I have stopped looking at any social media (my main source of connection usually). Seeing all the stuff happening to my community (rainbow) and coming up to mothers day and an anniversary of an event. I dont think my news feed is not helpful. I struggle to make it about me and feel guilty for it which i know is the fallout of my trigger and the anxiety that then comes. I'm just trying to notice the reaction of my trigger and do damage control around me. ( partner and child). I have all the skills (5 senses, breathing, trying to ground and self care). Im grieving hard right now. The loss of my babies, the loss of a partner previous to current. I'm grieving childhood stuff and the fact that I'm now 40 and my opportunity to try for a baby is closed. My partner shares her son with me and has chosen me as his mumma. But I just wish that I didn't spend my 20s and 30s being with someone who didn't love me and wouldn't support ME to try for a baby. She wanted to try and it was all about her. And now, she's a man. And identifies as a gay man. I don't know, I don't think I should even share this here. But I'm in a position where I just want to talk and I don't have anyone and I'm not even sure if this is appropriate. So I will stop. But, one good thing today, even though I'm wrecked I managed to have a bath. Self care, go me. I find with the amount of self loathing I have I try to do one thing to care for my body every day.

MamaD · ‎06-05-2017

I have decided regardless of any replies I'm going to just post. So I managed to get some good sleep. Short but good. Again, essential as part of my physical self care. Go me. Usually I get my song playlists on to help with distraction and to emotionally connect to positive feelings I have. I wasn't able to do that yesterday. So a bath it was. Today, I got up, early as usual, and watched the sunrise. Still not able to listen to a playlist. Still too raw. I was able to have some lovely positive interactions with son and partner remaining very present. She has now taken him out to give me some time without pressure to be 'OK' that's something that really works. If I'm too triggered for her support to be helpful, she leaves to give me space and she gets some mental health space too. When I'm triggered our son R is aware of me not being well but he is reassured and reminded that he is loved and rather then me leave for space, which is abit anxiety producing for him- C and R go out, doing normal everyday stuff if its not a kindy day. So like shopping, library, play dates, cafes etc. So we all have time to rest. Also we have discovered, that C can often tell when I'm about to get triggered, not necessarily why but can tell. She has stuff that she does, and sometimes if I do start to get triggered, she will gently come to me and say,' considered that you may be feeling triggered. I then stop to start to NOTICE. Not to think not to do anything, just to notice. If i notice that im triggered i then breathe and know that iam. Then I get stuck into my 'tool box' of stuff I can do. Of course we don't always catch in time..... Practice practice. So not only is this just to get out what's happening for me, I'm here to connect and I'm here to be helpful.

TBella · ‎06-05-2017

Hi MamaD

welcome & thank you for sharing. I relate to the not being able to have a baby & be a mum.

i also relate to the longing for connection but the fear, struggles to trust, not feeling safe & people not understanding why that is so hard for people with PTSD!

I feel your pain & just wanted you to know that your not alone 😊

Kindest Regards

Tbella

SuperSonic · ‎06-05-2017

I understand your loneliness. I can see that I'm actually cutting people out of my life, so am contributing to it. It's like I want to do it, but can also see that it's unhealthy.

Also, my mother still denies the abuse that I endured as a child even happened. I'm now in my 40s and had a session at the RC the other day which was cathartic, and when I spoke to my mother about it, she just changed the topic, like I was talking about something boring.

I think I've never felt so deeply alone in my life before. I ended up just drinking wine and trying to zone out watching TV. What else is there to do? No one wants to talk about this stuff.

Sorry that's not helpful, but I think it's realistic.