When does the good stuff start?

[remboy]

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for nearly all of my adult life but only first sought professional help ten years ago. My depressive episodes come and go and, I was in the midst of another struggle which began late last year. One day in January I was having a bad day at work so went for a walk at lunch time to get some fresh air and try to change my mindset.

Unfortunately, I just happened to be in the Bourke St mall just at the exact moment the car drove through killing six people and injuring dozens more. I know there is no good time to witness that sort of thing but this was the worst possible moment, when I was already in a bad place. I have struggled to sleep without medication since that day.

The following week I started seeing a counsellor through work as well as my own psychiatrist but am really struggling to work through everything. As an introvert who suffers from anxiety I find life a difficult experience at the best of times. Getting through a typical day of dealing with people and the world in general is draining and exhausting. Right now I'm struggling to see what the point of it is.

The sessions with my psychiatrist have been difficult in that they are uncovering that I haven't dealt with the past. At my last session my psych told me that she'd never come across anyone more controlled by fear than me. I've always known about my problems in that area but this made me feel that I am beyond help.

I'm not sort of person who would take his own life but if somebody told that when I went to sleep tonight I would not wake up I wouldn't be unhappy. I am struggling to think of what I would be missing out on.

[blondguy]

Hello Remboy

Welcome to the forums. You have incredible strength to post, well done to you

I cant even imagine what id have been like to be near that tragic incident. You are one of many people that did seek counsel afterwards. Horrific is one word that comes to mind remboy.

Good news.....Your anxiety will lessen in severity over time with frequent counseling (and meds if your doc thinks they would be a good management tool)

Ive had chronic anxiety followed by depression for approx 35 years. The anxiety does lose its grip. The Depression will also become less prevalent with frequent counseling too. In my case a small dosage of an AD provided me with a solid platform to heal more effectively from both the anxiety & depression (21 years now)

I understand what you mean by not dealing with the past effectively. I wasted 13 years having occasional therapy and never really opened up to my therapist. I was also anti meds thinking I could self heal. I was wrong there too

The sessions with a psychiatrist or psychologist will be difficult as they are trying to help you help yourself to heal by making you feel uncomfortable and discussing matters that we have buried

The good feelings will return no worries there, It takes time and patience. You will have some peace and clarity back if you can keep those visits either weekly or fortnightly. Just my opinion but monthly isnt enough especially when we are 'overwhelmed' and suffering from a 'tired mind'

I think you are amazing for having the courage to share your pain

you are not alone here by any means

there are many caring people on the forums that can be here for you Remboy for support & encouragement 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

hi Remboy, watching this devastating incident would be absolutely horrific and would make any person feel how tragic it was for those involved and those who witnessed it.
People tend to believe that they will never be able to get better, but with depression it's a matter of being able to understand your illness, the situations which could trigger you to have a relapse or total breakdown, so you learn to cope with your lifestyle the best way you can,I know that this is not easy, especially when you can't see the light.
I should have asked for help long before I did, but I kept on putting it off thinking that it would just disappear, but with depression it doesn't happen and procrastination is always a terrible word to believe in, just as being scared or believing that no one will believe in you.
All those situations that you haven't been able to cope with that have now come to surface are very difficult, but what the psych has to do is open these up, so that eventually your mind will be clear, and never be afraid to cry when you are talking with your psych, it's best you open up as painful as it is, because you won't be able to improve until it's all out in the open. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Remboy

Hello and welcome. To have witnessed that horrific event would be dreadful and I am so sorry you were there as I grieve for everyone affected by such a callous action.

You have mentioned how difficult it is to open up with your psychiatrist. I know that feeling. It's only recently I have even looked at the past and that has been the result of talking with my psychiatrist. It's interesting for me that I had no need to search for memories. My psych listened to the various things I said and started to talk about my past and I was suddenly in that place and working out what had happened. She is one amazing lady.

It is the most hurtful and difficult situations that we are discussing at the moment. I will not say it's the easiest of subjects and in fact I get quite agitated. But having started I know I need to see it through. Fear is a dreadful thing. As I look back I can see how my life was full of fear, especially my marriage. Well I found the courage to leave the marriage, build a house and settle down to a single life.

And it was fantastic for the first year. Than I feel into the pit of depression. Again in retrospect I think I always had a low level of depression and some constant anxieties, but thought this was the way it was for everyone. Children can be so accepting of anything that comes their way. Now, with my psych's help, I can see why I felt as I did when I was young. I would love to say it's cured me and I will live happily ever after, but I am still grieving over losses in the past. I am more able to see the reality of life then and it really is helping.

The downside of course is living through all this turmoil and as someone once said to me, it's a bit like being in a washing machine. Actually, now I come to think about it, there two meanings to be being in a washing machine. One the discomfort of being battered back and forth, but the other is a more hopeful analogy. Just as we wash our clothes, so we can see this process as getting rid of all our accumulated crap. Now there's deep and meaningful. 😊

I haven't talked much about your concerns. Reading someone else's stories can be helpful because you know you are not alone, but also to give you hope. When I was working part of my work involved talking to people. I managed this quite well I think because there was no way I going to let anyone see I was in trouble. But it was also a relief to engage with someone and get away from my thoughts and feelings for a short time.

Mary

[remboy]

Thanks Paul. I think one of the reasons my sessions with my first psych may have stalled was that I was a little guarded. With my new psych I decided that I needed to be completely open and say whatever I was thinking and feeling in the moment. Unfortunately, as a result, during the sessions my anxiety levels don't have a filter and go straight from zero to one hundred.

She's spoken of meds but I've found the ones I've taken in the past have left me feeling completely empty. It's hard to keep ploughing through counselling sessions and trying multiple meds when nothing seems to change in the short term.

I am grateful that there are supportive people on here. I do appreciate the responses.

Lindsay

blondguy said:

Hello Remboy

Welcome to the forums. You have incredible strength to post, well done to you

I cant even imagine what id have been like to be near that tragic incident. You are one of many people that did seek counsel afterwards. Horrific is one word that comes to mind remboy.

Good news.....Your anxiety will lessen in severity over time with frequent counseling (and meds if your doc thinks they would be a good management tool)

Ive had chronic anxiety followed by depression for approx 35 years. The anxiety does lose its grip. The Depression will also become less prevalent with frequent counseling too. In my case a small dosage of an AD provided me with a solid platform to heal more effectively from both the anxiety & depression (21 years now)

I understand what you mean by not dealing with the past effectively. I wasted 13 years having occasional therapy and never really opened up to my therapist. I was also anti meds thinking I could self heal. I was wrong there too

The sessions with a psychiatrist or psychologist will be difficult as they are trying to help you help yourself to heal by making you feel uncomfortable and discussing matters that we have buried

The good feelings will return no worries there, It takes time and patience. You will have some peace and clarity back if you can keep those visits either weekly or fortnightly. Just my opinion but monthly isnt enough especially when we are 'overwhelmed' and suffering from a 'tired mind'

I think you are amazing for having the courage to share your pain

you are not alone here by any means

there are many caring people on the forums that can be here for you Remboy for support & encouragement 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[blondguy]

Hi Lindsay

Thankyou so much for your very kind post back 🙂

I do hear you where short term benefits are concerned. Thats where recovery is frustrating...the time needed with the therapy and (if scripted) meds. I had really bad anxiety driving and the AD took about 4 days to work well

The first few weeks of meds can leave a feeling of being empty or with me a bit vague but they usually go away.

I think you are really pro-active with your health Lindsay

It would be great if you wish to stick around the forums 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[White_Rose]

Hello Lindsay

Good to hear from you again. Yes it is frustrating to feel nothing is changing or only very slowly. I congratulate you on your perseverance with your new psychiatrist. It can be hard work and very painful. I suspect you feel quite tired and drained after your sessions. While you would no doubt prefer not to feel this way, it is tangible proof that you are moving along. Just like any athlete who trains hard for their sport, you are also in training.

You spoke about fear in your first post and how it controls your life. I can relate to that. Being afraid to speak up about something, choosing a lifestyle that doesn't upset others. I'm sure we could write a list of actions we take to avoid any confrontation and actions we take, even when it's not our choice, to please others. You will find as your therapy progresses that your fears will lessen. I am sad to say it will take time. Don't want to discourage you, I want to be realistic.

One day you will respond to someone in the way you want or do something because you want to do that, and that's when you realise you are living your life without fear of others. Not all at once, but bit by bit. And that recognition of your new self will be wonderful.

So keep going however hard it is . Don't look at the horizon because it will seem too far away. Keep you gaze and attention on the next few steps you need to take and congratulate yourself every time to take a step forward. Look for the little things and one day you will find yourself at the horizon.

Mary

[remboy]

Thanks WR, i do appreciate the support on this site. Its good to hear other people's experiences and know that I'm not alone.

Any form of encouragement is greatly beneficial. I am aware that this is a long process. When you are trying to undo a lifetime of repeated behaviour it's not realistic to expect instant results. Just a shame that it's easy to get discouraged when you feel like you are not getting anywhere.

I've been talking to a few people recently about what I'm going through and they have all been supportive. Some have even invited me to call whenever i need to talk. Unfortunately I find that difficult to do as I am used to isolating myself and keeping things to myself. I do hope that this experience, while painful in the short term will bring some long term benefits.

[White_Rose]

Hello Lindsay

Thanks for your comments. People often say this site has made them realise they are not alone. I think that is one of the most helpful things to learn, we are not alone. I remember reading the "IT" books by Bev Aisbett and crying because other people had the same problems as me. What a relief.

A lifetime spent carrying out the same actions which cause us pain and sadness but not realising what we are doing. It's a familiar story. Of course the trick is to make our new habits and beliefs as automatic as those we are trying to lose.

I have often been invited to contact others if I was in need of support and like you I found it hard. It meant admitting I cannot walk this journey on my own and sometimes I think I rationalised it by saying it was rude or presumptive to ask for help. What if the other did not really want to listen to my tales of woe. I think that is our ego telling us these things, convincing us we can manage on our own while in reality we are not managing. The ego is a necessary part of our lives and does a good job in protecting us. It is also quite lazy and does not like change. So we cut ourselves off from our friends and family saying it's best for them not to come into contact with our "bad" side.

Well that may be true if we are the only people who have a "bad" side. Sadly everyone has a part of themselves they are secretly ashamed of, and we do try to get it right. This is where we can help each other overcome these difficulties. We are more alike than we think. So try to contact one or two of those people who have offered their help. It can be extremely helpful to have a backup for those times when we are struggling. The forums are a prime example of this.

Mary

[Wanderlustress]

Dear Remboy,

I'm new to this forum and didn't want to spam the boards like how many newbies would in enthusiasm after two posts. But reading your post I felt really compelled to reply.

I'm sorry you witnessed that horrific event during that fateful day. It is not a day anyone could forget, I would agree. Like yourself, I am painfully introverted and I live within myself and my bubble. Everything else is just an act to get through the motions of what society expects of me.

I am glad you've started seeing someone to help you with coping, examining and addressing the challenges you face. It took me a really long time to do so as well. When you mentioned 'you're not one to take your life but if you didn't wake up the next day you wouldn't be missing out' - this was when I completely empathised with how you feel about life.

What I wanted to impart was a realisation that helped changed me. I read something which clicked in me. It is about agency.
I realised all my life I would wait. I would go through the motions of life, half-heartedly, almost resentfully. A passive participant in my own life, while others around me took advantage of me, what I had to offer, my tendency to put others ahead of me because I had zero self-worth, so as a result of that I lived vicariously through them in terribly co-dependent relationships. And lo and behold. Nothing but pain, hurt, anger and misery awaited me.

Then I heard this - agency. How we do not make decisions (put them off, procrastinate, make decisions we don't really want, wait till deadline strikes etc) because we fear. We are crippled by it. Until we are 'forced' to make a decision through circumstance, a person(s), societal expectation, deadlines, fear. In it, nowhere could I find my own agency in the matter. I was sleepwalking through my life because I was so very scared.

I am not an 'idiot'. I think passionately, feel profoundly, perceive vividly. But I fear. But I kept feeding and validating my fear by withholding my own agency. A lot of journalling, and being forced to travel helped. Ironically, my realisation of the importance of agency came by being 'forced' into having to reexamine my life and I realise I had nowhere to hide. I had to face my truth, myself.

Everyday you make a decision on your own, any decision not reached by external factor, is a victory. Just keep going, one step at a time. You don't have to know where right now. But anywhere is better than standing still with the pain.