[TRIGGER WARNING: domestic violence] my dad and his siblings won't listen to reason.

[r_d]

Hi,

I'll try to explain properly so bear with me. 🙂

So my little sister and I currently moved out of my father's house due to his anger issues. Since our mum passed almost 2 years ago, it's just been us three. My dad and I have had some arguments here and there about small things like household chores and stuff like that, and since last year, he's been blaming my 'change' of attitude because i've had a boyfriend, which is not true. Every time that happens, my dad would start to raise his voice and I would try to be calm but when I talk to him, I just get really frustrated. Also, the way that he sometimes asks us to do something for him is more of like a command to do what he wants to be done. He's very strict and he just loves to complain about what we do wrong, even a tiny bit, to his sisters. I am 23 and my sister is 12 and the three of us has depression.

Anyways, this past Sunday, something happened. It's a bit hard to explain, but my sister was in the kitchen when all of a sudden I hear her yell out in pain because my dad punched her in the arm and I heard her yell out, "Stop, what are you doing?" then she ran towards her room. Just so you know, these kinds of things happened before when it gets bad but we let it slide because he's still our father and he never lets us forget that, but this time, I saw my dad run towards her room and try to break down her door, saying things like, "I'll kill you" and just full on swore at her. I told him to calm down but he kept saying things that really cut to the core. He said that it was her fault that our mum passed away because of stress from processing her adoption papers. Also, he keeps saying that he regrets bringing her here in the country and some other hurtful things that you never say to a 12-year-old much less your own daughter. Mind you, he has said these things to me too. It hurt a lot and I told him that but he said it's just words. "I don't mean it and I would never do anything to harm my daughters."

So now, after a few hours, we snuck out and went to our elder sister's house because we don't feel safe there anymore. His sisters kept calling us and blaming me for everything that happened a few days ago, even though I keep telling them that he THREATENED TO KILL US. They said that it's normal to be angry and say those things and my sister and I should just say sorry and forget about it.

Did we do the right thing? I feel bad for leaving but we really don't feel safe there anymore. Any advice?

[geoff]

hello R.D, boy I'm so sorry for you and your sisters, but his aggressive behaviour, whether it's verbal or physical should not be tolerated and the law don't take this as being permitted, it's abuse.
It's difficult losing your mother, but he should take it out on your sister who has been adopted by your parents, and please correct me if I'm wrong, because has been brought into your family for a reason, they loved her and felt as though adoption would be the answer for her to be happy, but this isn't happening, which is disappointing and could have the chance of taking her back to a situation she came from.
It's not normal to go around saying that to you or your sister ' that he will **** you, I don't like using that word because it's unreasonable and very hurtful.
You mustn't feel guilty for leaving, the safety for the two of you is of prime concern, because you never know how far he may go to, and I don't know if he drinks alcohol or not, but if he does then the safety for you both doubles.
Are you able to stay at your sister's place or are you able to rent a flat, and if you are on centrelink benefits, then they will provide the bond money, plus rent assistance and the charities may have some white goods available.
You have to make this next move, as I'm worried for the two of you if you return home, simply because it will be worse than before. Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Dear r.d.
 
Thank you for posting in our forums, we are very sorry to hear what has happened to you and your sister. Our community will provide advice and support, however based upon your description of what has occurred, we encourage you to report the incident to Community Services 132 111.
 
If at any point you need to talk through what has happened with a professional mental health counsellor, then please reach out to our Support Service anytime by calling 1300 22 4636, or through our webchat service (3pm to midnight) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
 

[Doolhof]

Hi r.d

Thankfully Sophie has been able to offer you some wonderful advice on where you can receive help. I would like to encourage you to make some calls as Sophie has suggested so you and your sister can receive all the help and advice you need.

I am so very sorry that your Mum has died, that your Dad seems to be struggling big time and may be taking his hurt out on both of you. I don't know, that may not be the case at all. It sounds to me like you all need some help, you and your sister most of all.

It is good to know you have an older sister to turn to for help and a safe place to be right now.

There is little else I can offer as far as where to receive help. Once again I recommend you chase up the suggestions Sophie has made. If you feel in immediate danger from your father or his siblings, then please call the police. They will be able to help.

You may not want to do this as he is your father, but if you are in danger the police will be able to help. Calling them for help is an acceptable thing to do. Your safety is very important. If that does happen, the Police may also be able to advise your Father on what his responsibilities are to you his daughters.

Hope you both keep safe. From Mrs. D.

[r_d]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for all the messages. I appreciate it so much.

I wish I could say that everything is good but after the incident, my dad and one of his sister has been messaging me and my little sister. Those messages tell us how ungrateful we are for doing this and how we don't respect him at all but we do. Also, one of our cousin, said that "he was just being a dad and we're just kids." They keep saying that he's worked hard for us and he was all alone before we moved here in Australia and that we shouldn't do this to him, etc.

And I should've added this in the first one but a month ago, he lost his job because he was answering calls while driving. I told him a couple of times to not answer it and make a voicemail greeting that says he can't get on the phone because he's working. And you know who he blamed it on, my little sister. He blamed the people who helped move her papers along. Who does that?

Anyway, him and his sister, basically pointed their fingers at me for the reason why my sister didn't want to go home. It's because they think I tell her what to tell them about not going home. Which is not true. I asked her on the night of the incident if she felt safe and she said no. Did they expect me to let her stay in that environment? Stuff that. They excuse his behaviour as normal and that we are not the victims in this case but him. It's just a really backward way of thinking. Which is stupid.

If it wasn't for my sisters, you guys, and my boyfriend, I would've believed them in saying it is all my fault that this happened. I don't know what I would've done with myself.

[r_d]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for replying to my thread.

About the adoption, my family weren't the ones that her in first, it my dad's brother's family. They wanted to adopt her for selfish reasons alone and that is to bring her here in Australis so they can get money from the government from child support. But that did not happen because their papers came through before her papers even got approved. After that, my auntie from my father's side wanted to adopt her too but that didn't happen as well because she lives in Belgium and couldn't be there to personally fix her papers so my mum had to do everything. So my parents decided to just adopt her theirselves and yeah. We just learned to love her through the years that she's been with us. That was what happened.

Hope this cleared some things up. 🙂

r.d

[r_d]

Hi Mrs. D,

Thank you for your message.

On the night of the incident, he dared me to call the police. I wanted to so bad but I kept thinking that he was still my dad. Even though he's like that, I don't want him to go to jail. It's hard to imagine. He's already old and he's had complaints about everything in his body and making him go to jail wouldn't be fair.

Also, when he would call me or my sister, he would make us pity him by letting us know that he's old and he's got heart problems, which he's never told us until then. That's why it's hard for us to leave him because of these. I'm so mad at him but at the same time, if we left, we feel like we're bad people. It's all really complicated for me which stresses me out.

Anyway, thanks again for messaging back. 🙂

r.d

[geoff]

thanks r.d for replying to our posts. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi r.d

I totally understand that this man is your Dad and you feel like you need to show him respect, at the same time you do not want to live like you are in danger.

I don't know how the legal system works as far as calling the police for help and what happens to the person you need protection from. I seem to think you will be offered advice and protection. I don't believe the police will haul your Dad off to jail and lock him up straight away.

You really need legal help and advice. Please, Please, Please make us of the phone numbers and contact people that Sophie suggested. You can talk to these people anonymously to find out where you should go from here.

You can also phone the police anonymously and ask for advice. You cold question them as to what may happen to your Father. Make some calls and clarify the situation.

Even if you and your sister can be provided with a safe place to live, you may still be able to assist your father. Maybe your father's siblings can assist him as well.

My heart breaks for the story of your adopted sister. Please ensure she is assisted with counselling some how. She needs to know she is worth more than a Government handout to the people who "OWN" her. I am a person who had longed to adopt a child so I call smother then in love, care, tenderness and provide them a life of happiness where ever possible.

To think of a child as being considered as collateral breaks my heart. You both deserve more than that.

Cheers from Mrs. D