When does it stop?

[-Bee]

I was born into abuse. Not as bad as some, worse then others. I can't remember loosing my virginity, or who took it but I know I was very young. I was molested and raped by my family from before I can remember until the start of my teens. Tried to speak with my mother when I was very young, I was told boys are boys. Later to keep quiet and that it's over. Don't break the family.

My dad left when I was 11. Overseas, started a new family. Left us with mum. She was an addict, neglectful and abusive. She tried to murder me. My brother, my rapist, saved me.

Mum had countless boyfriends. Abusive relationships, both sides. Years of listening to screaming, physical fights, violent sex and mental breakdowns. Years of suicide threats and uncontrolled rage, jealousy, hate. Had two younger sisters I tried to shield. But ran when I was 15. My sister's both ended up being molested. One by my mother herself. 

Ended up in an abusive relationship with my first. 8 years later and 2 girls, I left. Had a good career and beautiful children. Chose to do better and did. 

Married my childhood best friend. Wanted a fairytale and ignored a lot of red flags. Started intensive trauma therapy, after a year I was given an ultimatum to let him know about my past, be apart of the therapy or end things. I worked with my therapist for months to get the courage. Wrote a letter to my mother confronting her. She was still in my life. They all were. 

I told him. He said I was disgusting. That he didn't sign up for my trauma. That he would share my letter on social media to show the world how f----d up I was. I didn't understand. We had a little boy and the girls were so happy and loved him deeply as a step dad, I was a wonderful partner but he thought I was dirty. Used and broken. So I moved on. I shared my story with my whole family. Put out into the open everything that had happened, what they had done and the pain and grief that it has caused me. And I was cut away. Called a liar. My mum tells people that I had my brother at my wedding, I had him near my children - my rapist - that I chose it, that I'm a terrible mother, neglectful, abusive, can't hold together a relationship. Pathetic. A wh--e. 

She is dying now. She was diagnosed with advanced MS, with multiple lesions on her brain. We haven't spoken in years, I'm off social media, blocked her from all my accounts but occasionally she gets a message through, just to call me something. Tell me she hates me. 

It was my birthday two days ago, she commemorated it by making sure I got a message calling me awful names, a f--- up, a bad mother. That she is dying and she'll hate me until the end. Never own it. Never be sorry. 

Decades of therapy. Medications. I do so well. Have an amazing job, am a great mother, a good person. But I have flashbacks and nightmares. I feel like a can't breathe sometimes. I feel hollow at other times. I know what it all is. But I'm just sitting here thinking, I'm tired. Life's been really hard. And I've done a really good job to get here, for the kids, they're ok. If I died now, theyd be ok. I've set them up financially, with love, with strength, with each other. I could go and these episodes... Fighting this battle again the utter worthlessness, hopelessness and soul wrenching pain will be done. Because I know now it won't go away. It will always be here. I will never find peace with this and fighting my mind, finding the strength to choose to continue and look for happiness is exhausting. I feel like I've fought hard enough now.

[Sophie_M]

Hi -Bee,
 
Welcome to the Forums, we are glad you have found us here. We are so deeply sorry to hear about what you have been through. No one deserves to be treated that way, and no child should ever have to experience abuse. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and we can imagine how difficult this would be. Please know that the forums and our lovely community are here for you, and it’s good that you could share this here.  Your ability to reach out here and write out your story is a huge strength. You deserve for your story to be shared and heard.

You have come so far and we hope you can feel proud of yourself for all that you have achieved in the face of adversity and trauma. It can be frustrating when despite all of the effort we have put in, we still experience those strong feelings of pain and hopelessness. 
 
Please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 online, here. If using the phone would be difficult for you, you can reach them via webchat or email:   
 
We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime you might like to look at Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse   

We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.   

Kind regards,   
Sophie M 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear -Bee,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums….

I so sorry for all that you’ve been through, yet pleased that you survived to move forward and have 3 beautiful children…Bee, your children would be absolutely devastated if anything happened to you…..I can so much relate to a lot of your story, unlike you I wasn’t brave enough to take my sons and leave my abusive husband….I eloped to the first person to treat me nice…to get away from my brother who raped me a number of times…and my parents who constantly told me I was a mistake…..I didn’t know any better, didn’t see any red flags, the night after our marriage, he ripped up the marriage certificate and said..your now mine….fully controlled and abused for the 38 years I was married until he passed away….my children suffered so much through their lives because of me….You have the courage I didn’t have…you took your children out of danger are they are now safe and living with you, a caring, loving mother….I don’t know you, but I’m so proud of you..

Please sweet Bee, don’t ever believe the words spoken to you by your mother or husband…you are a beautiful and strong survivor….holding on to those words by your abusers, will keep you a prisoner within your soul…PTSD from abuse, does raise its ugliness into our thoughts, taking us back with flashbacks (triggers)  that pop up everyday….I also think it doesn’t go away the way it triggers down me within seconds..it’s unbelievable how fast and how deep I can go….If you feel up to it…search in the search bar…”Grounding yourself, what is it and how do we”….maybe something in that thread might help you…will help you manage your flashbacks a little…at night while I’m in bed and ready to sleep…the only way I can go to sleep with a peaceful mind, is to listen to gentle sleep stories…have you tried them?..

Dear Bee, you have come a long way, please try hard to be compassionate, kind and caring towards yourself….you are so much stronger then you think you are, your a survivor and a very beautiful survivor…I admire your strength and determination in life….

Thinking of you with kindness and care….as well as a gentle caring hug 🤗..

Grandy..

[-Bee]

Thank you Grandy for your response. I've read it again and again over the past few weeks and while my heart aches for your pain and abuse, your kindness has been a rock to grab hold of. Thank you so much for that. I wish I could better express my gratitude for reaching out, exposing your own wounds in order to help heal mine. 

I know how much that takes.

So thank you again.