What is wrong with me?

[AdriftAnnie]

A few years ago I reconciled with my husband after he physically and sexually assaulted me. We had been married over a decade and had children and he spent some time in custody and did his community service and swore to me this had changed him. And it has changed him. He hasn’t been abusive since that day, almost 4 years ago.

Prior to the assault he had been for 3 years addicted to synthetic marijuana. I had no idea for the first year as he did nothing but lie to me. I discovered in the third year of his addiction that he was also on dating websites and this absolutely broke my heart. More than being brutalised by him. I can’t get over it. I can’t move on from it. I still get triggered.

My question is, why can I forgive all the other things he’s done, but not this? What is wrong with me that I choose this to be upset about? It seems so trivial by comparison to all the horrible things he’s done over the course of the relationship. I feel defective.

Discovering his dating profiles was like taking a bullet. The assault? I remember only fragments. I feel nothing when I think about it. No flashbacks, no triggers, nothing. That’s not normal is it? What is wrong with me?

[quirkywords]

AdriftAnnie

There is nothing wrong with you, as you are trying to cope with znd process trauma. The dating website is something you can see and it triggers other emotions you can’t access.

You have been through so much. Have you been offered counselling or help .

1800 respect has a helpline if you want to chat. 1800 633063

People cope with trauma differently. I hope you can find support to help you .

we are listening to you

[Croix]

Dear AdriftAnnie~

Welcome back, it's good to see you here again even if the cause is not good. Before going further let me say people's reactions are all different, there is no set response to what you have had to go though.

It took you a long time and much soul searching to take him back, and I'm pleased that at least at this time he appears reformed.

I suspect getting back together it was not so much a matter of forgiveness for the drugs, lies and abuse as wanting a home for you kids, and maybe you too. Plus undefined feelings (and BTW that psychologist was an idiot).

If you love someone and then they do do something horrible your love does not stop just like that , it is much more a case of mixed feelings, even sometimes commonsense and feelings going in to opposite directions and it is very hard to decide which to follow..

With the drugs, abuse and violence I guess in some way you might be able to say to yourself I still matter most to him. With dating sites that sends an indication he was, at least in some ways, looking beyond you.

Now that is truly heartbreaking and for you not to get over it completely understandable. You called it trivial in comparison. I think you are completely wrong. In your case it is the biggest hurt of the lot. Plus you did not choose this to react to as you do, it is simply you are so hurt.

I don't realy have any specific suggestions, though I guess that if you want to keep together with him then maybe couples counseling (not just individual counseling) might be an option.

Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 is a pretty reasonable place to try if you felt like it.

Does any of what I say seem to make sense or am I on the wrong track?

Croix

[smallwolf]

hello.

from reading your post you have lived through a lot with your husband. It is interesting you feel his looking at dating sites is trivial. Might it be this was the straw that broke the camel's back? You are not defective. The things that led me to seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist may seem minor except it was my breaking point

Do you feel that you are not allowed to feel angry at his actions? You have done nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. Has not his actions betrayed you? If someone else had told you that story, what would you say to them?

You are worth so much more.

[geoff]

Hello AdriftAnne, I thoroughly commend you for reaching out because what he has put you through I also believe is the biggest hurt of the lot, the violence, drug use and abuse may have been in the past, but it's not for certain it will remain this way because he may be in contact with someone else and something may go wrong which could start all of this once again and that's certainly not what you want.

You have been kind enough to take him back, so he has a roof over his head, now he's been using dating sites, so his loyalty is with finding another person and hoping you don't find out, this just adds on to whatever he not only did to you but hid from you previously.

The possibility of him moving out is high if he finds someone else, leaving you alone once again, so I wonder, can you trust this man to be true, faithful and honest to you and your children, I can't answer that for you but can suggest that it's going to be very difficult.

You have endured so much and certainly don't want him to be sneaking behind your back to live another life while under your roof.

Please take care.

Geoff.