We were sexually abused by our grandfather

[Bee1998]

I can't remember the exact age I was when the abuse happened, but I do remember that I was still in pull-ups, so I was so young that I was still toilet training (I'm guessing between the age of 5-6). My younger half sister is 2 years younger than me, so she would have been 3 or 4. My brother is 2 years older than me. So he would have been either 7 or 8 years old.

I have extremely clear and vivid memories of all of the abuse that occurred. I still remember what each room in the house looked like, the colour of the bed frames, the carpet, I remember everything like it happened yesterday. I am currently 23 years old, so this happened around 18 years ago.

Throughout my teenage/adult years of life, I have struggled with intimate relationships. I have been cheated on multiple times, physically and mentally abused by previous partners, as I am an easy target for abuse. I struggle with abandonment issues. I have never had a relationship or friendship that has lasted.

My main reason for this post is to talk about my older brother. He was living at home with me, my mum and our two younger half brothers since just over 4 years ago now. One day he decided to move out of home to go and live with grandparents (on my mum's side). My brother and I were super close before he left, and we were like best friends. Anyways, he moved into my grandparents house with them, and after a few months went by, I found out my grandma confronted my brother, asking if he was taking drugs, as she had noticed he was constantly sniffing. This seemed to distress my brother, and shortly after, he ended up moving out with some of his friends. A few months went by, I had tried to contact him, but would never get a response. My brother ignored me for months, then finally responded to me asking why he was ignoring me. He sent me a long message explaining that he felt guilty about what had happened with our grandfather, and briefly came out saying he had also been sexually abused. (At this point, I was unaware that he had also been sexually abused... I knew that he had watched me be sexually abused, as he had told our mum years after the abuse happened, but he had never told anyone that he too was abused.) Reading the message he sent me was very upsetting, and I felt extremely confused as to why my brother would not want to speak to me or see me.

Another 3 years have passed. I still haven't been able to speak to or see my brother, as he has cut all contact with me.

I feel I am being blamed.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bee1998, 

We are so sorry to hear that you have been through so much. Nothing like this should have ever happened to you and there is no reason for your brother, or anyone else, to blame you. You have nothing to be guilty about. It must have taken a huge amount of courage to share this story with us here and we want to thank you for being so brave. You never know who will read this and feel less alone in their own experience because of what you have shared. 

We think that it would be really useful for you to speak to someone about what has happened and how you are feeling about it today. We have put a few options of people to call below, we really hope you will take a look. Talking to someone can be a wonderful step towards more support and along the path to healing. Any of the numbers below will be helpful so you can choose which one feels right to you. 

Phoneline
Beyond Blue  1300 22 4636
Lifeline 13 11 14
1800 Respect 1800 737 732

Welcome back to the forums and thank you for being brave. We hope that you can find support and comfort here on the forums. We are always here for you if you need.

[Croix]

Dear Bee1998~

I've read some of your other posts and might answer one of them elsewhere, here I would like to try to give you a little comfort over your brother, at least give you another guess as to why he is silent other than you being blamed.

In fact I'd not think you are being blamed at all. You have set out clearly some of the mental injuries done to you thanks to that horrible and self-centered callus person. I'm not going to talk about most of them as that would simply act as reminders, however that terrible betrayal has left you without the ability to form relationships on an equal footing, and to be afraid of being abandoned.

Not in the slightest surprising, very natural in fact. One thing I have to add is that for most people irrational guilt plays a part too. Sadly the thoughts and memories can be so great people take refuge in alcohol or drugs to deaden them. Some block it out of minds

I'm sorry it happened to you, I'm sorry it happened to your brother

My own history is quite different and I suffered a form of trauma far removed from yours. I was a policeman. Never the less for very many years I avoided anything at all to do wiht police, my career, the people I had know, the actions and images - everything. In fact I avoided them so well many I did not remember until l much later.

That did not really stop feelings of guilt, physical and mental symptoms. Fortunately I did not fall into the trap of grog or drugs

Your brother may be like me in that past associations may -for whatever reason -have become too painful. Maybe that is why he moved out from your home. It may also be he took up something to deaden feelings too and did not want it known

Your grandma sounds pretty switched on, maybe she saw correctly and drugs were being used, and your brother moved on again. Every time he moved it may well have made him feel more guilty and less able to keep in contact

So the silence may be due to something like this -not you - nor a lack of feeling for you by your brother, but simply pain, avoidance of the past and shame at a habit, all of this being something he did not want his best friend to see

Viewed though the perspective of your own fears this might well seem like you are being blamed - though that might be very far from the truth. He did tell you of his abuse, as you know that is incredibly hard to do and shows trust

I think you are a very brave person to talk so frankly about this, and sensible too in many ways. I hope this helps

Croix

[smallwolf]

Hi.

I am very sorry to hear what you and your brother had to go through and the impact this has had on both of your lives. I agree with the everything Croix has said in his reply.

In hindsight we can look back at what we could have done. When we are young we look up our parents and relatives without question? I also want to say you were / are not to blame for any that has happened. The abuser can have ways of preventing you from talking to others. How the person who is abused then behaves can be different. I don't know whether your brother was into drugs or not. If so, perhaps that was his way of coping with the situation. And for to be able to speak about this, to break the silence, is a very courageous act.

If you want to chat some more, I am listening ... Tim

[PamelaR]

Hi Bee

Warm welcome to our forums. So pleased you found your way here. I understand how much you are hurting. Croix and Tim have given you some wonderful support. I agree with everything they've said.

I realise the subject of your post is about your relationship with your brother - but you are not to blame for anything.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about, nothing to feel guilty about. But I know how much the events eat away at one. In someways I see you as being lucky that you know what happened to you when you were so young. For me, my memory was a total blank for almost 50 years about what had happened (it explains to me a lot about my avoidance of very close relationships all my life). All I can say is I found a great gp and got a referral to counsellor/health professional that specialised in PTSD associated with child sexual abuse. Haven't looked back since - that was almost 10 years ago now. I haven't read any of your other posts so maybe you've said something already taking this step in the process to healing.

Kind regards and thoughts.

PamelaR