These past several months have been a blur, I have been treading water so long, I wish I had some solid ground upon which to stand.
Losing my dad, finding my brother, losing my mother, finding my uncle, losing my aunt... I cannot believe all of this has happened, yet it has.
For a variety of reasons I still have to live in the family home where I found my dad, all of these months later I still exist only in the front room, the other rooms past his bedroom are merely memories to me now.
Memories are what haunt me, I have packed everything in readiness to move, a move I have had to put on hold, and this terrifies me.
Everywhere I look reminds me of dad, of mum, the faded marks of pictures that once hung on the wall, the faint smell of all of those wonderful meals we ate together, the echoes of laughter we all shared, now drowned out by the deafening silence of an empty place I once called home.
I don't know how much longer it will take until everything is settled and I can move, I don't know how much longer I can last.
How can one come to terms with a trauma, if one is constantly exposed to it each and every day?
I feel myself deteriorating, having to wake up here, remembering that initial day when I woke up and called out to him all over again...
I am so scared right now, I am scared that the damage has been done.
I am scared that everything I have tried to achieve, with the support of my counsellors, will all fall away.
I had slowly began to renter life over the past few months, reconnecting with my friends, enrolling into courses, attend further sessions, and even a grief support group, which was a daunting prospect but one I wished to push myself to do.
But now with lockdown everything has halted, back to telehealth, back to here, back to nothing.
These next two weeks I face inside this place scare me more than anything I have ever experienced.
Just when I swam to shore, the wave takes me out again, I don't know if I have it in me to keep afloat.
I have written so much, so many words, from poetry to music, I even created a book and video for dad for his f...... but words are
I don't know how much damage has been caused by staying here so long...I hope everything is sorted soon, and I can move somewhere without this darkness hanging over everything, I miss dad so much, I miss mum, I miss my aunt, I wish my brother would connect with me, I wish I could go to sleep and wake up and things would be back to the way they were....
