Trigger Warning - Sexual Assault: 26 years and still not treated

[less_than_human]

I wish this was a sick twisted tale, but i lived it. Why?

In the summer of 1989/90, just turned 12, I left a primary school in the isolated hills of Tasmania, of 40 students total, prep to year 6. To start my first day at a highschool on the far outskirts western Sydney, in Penrith, with 2000 + students. Leaving behind a family of 8,myself being the youngest of 6, the family had almost disintegrated overnight. My parents took the opportunity to dissolve their marriage, and split their responsibilities between the two remaining dependants. My father taking my older brother of 15 to brisbane and my mother taking myself to penrith, to live with her girlfriend. Being an effeminate naive and trusting 12 year old boy going on 9, in a city that moved faster than anything i had ever seen before, I quickly become the target of deciet and harassment, both physically and verbally. To top it of, my mums new partner hated males and found the perfect victim in my submissive nature. To cut a long story short, i was beaten all day at school and all night at home. Until i met this girl, who showed me how to escape. Simply put, i would tell school i was going to be abscent because of family events and tell my mum i was going on a school excersion, then we would go to Sydney and noone would be none the wiser. So, now 14, standing in kings cross, my girlfriend decides she needs to confront an old boyfriend in a nightclub, but she wants me to come with her. So she has this great idea for me to go drag, which totally works, more than anticipated. Any how, high on drugs we(this will not make sence if edited too heavily)*she confronts her boyfriend with being pregnant, reminding him of her age (same as me), so yeah her stomach blah blah, me!, oh wait what have we here? Well this one isnt getting pregnant......join the dots, 3 way gang, is there anyway to tell this to another human, i am less than human. I am a worthless piece of..........i couldnt tell the cops, because of fear for the drugs and age and thing. I have never ever dealt with it. I want to be dead.

[white knight]

Hi more than human, welcome

I've been here on this forum for nearly 5 years. I've read thousands of letters. I've answers hundreds. See my post count...its getting up there. But I've never ever read such a sad but brave man. Ok, its out now albeit anonymously but its out. Great, the first stepping stone to the river bank on the other side. What can I pull out of my bag of tricks that might help? Of course the hard yakka is up to you, you know that.

The royal commission proved you can lodge a complaint dating back a long time. This is solely your choice.

So lets assume you are not going to seek conviction.

Time and again here no matter the members issues one thing is evident straight away- that the best result for the member to find comfort and move forward even a little bit, is to tackle the issues with multiple tools. What are they?

A visit to your GP and take on his/her recommendations that could include therapy and/or medication. Medication helps with the coping mechanism among other things. Therapy....boy wouldn't that be good for you. Although not anything like your experience my anxiety went through the roof and therapy was really beneficial.

Peer group help. Unlike professional medical staff we are here 24/7...well almost. We do sleep so the wee hours you might need to wait a while for a reply. But at least you can put your feelings into words and wait. This release would I presume be good for you to tap into. We also have social pages like the circle of friendship...when and if you're ready. Np pressure. That is the great thing about this place.

Confidence restoration. Obviously therapy would be helpful on this. But there is hope for you if you decide to focus on your future to get it into a less downtrodden feel to deliberately opening up doors to a new beginning. Sounds not possible yeh? I believe its very possible.

Attend motivation lectures.

Research. There are thousands of posts/threads here that can assist through reading. I'm listing some below that you can google. If they don't apply fine but give it a shot. Pick out the phrases that apply to you. Write them down. Think.

Topic: The best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life-beyondblue

Topic: so what are their mental illnesses- beyondblue

Topic: low self esteem- beyondblue

Topic: avoiding the fear of failure- beyondblue

Some of those were written for others in different circumstances so please adjust your thoughts and take that into account.

Tony WK

[less_than_human]

Hello white knight,

sorry for not getting back sooner, I've been doing a little of the suggested reading and much sleeping.

firstly, I just need to inform that I am now, physically, socially and spiritually, largely accepted as a woman in society, and ask that you use the appropriate pronouns. The events I discribed had no part in my decision to alter my gender, other than to affirm who I am, cementing my views and understanding of the issues woman face.

To a large part, I had managed to regain some normalcy in life, and have followed many of the avenues you suggested, however, a few years ago I went to see a psychiatrist, specialising in gender identity issues, which is a legal requirement procedding into surgery. As a part of the discussions, I was asked about my first experiences of sexuality. So, I started to explain the anxieties I have had over the years because of my past, namely the event I shared, being also relevant to my gender dysphoria. Well about 4/5th's of the way through, I was abruptly interrupted and told my time was up. As you can possibly conceive, I was quite emotionally distressed, shaking in fact, and submerged in a place within my psyche, that I can only discribe as surreal. Quickly ushered to the reception, still suppressing deep seated emotions with tears streaming, only to be confronted with a no nonsense receptionist interested only in the payment of services rendered and shown the door, with a don't let it hit you on the way out, attitude. I sat in the car for well over an hour before I could drive anywhere, feeling as though my heart had just been ripped from my body like so many times before. The thing about having an old wound, that was never healed properly in the first place, ripped open in such an unprofessional manner, has left me back in a place where the PTSD symptoms are as fresh as if it happened yesterday, and still the mental health system is failing me miserably.

I guess what I'm seeking, is one thing you suggested, the peer support. That is something I have never had, I can't speak for any body else but the mental health system is really letting me sleep through the cracks and I guess coming to beyond blue is my way of trying to not let that happen. I can't help but feel so detached from society and losing faith and confidence in humanity. Perhaps I see a glimpse of it within yourself and your fellow champions.

Thanks for taking the time to respond and maybe we can talk more, take care.

less than human

[less_than_human]

Hello White Knight,

Just another thing on the back of my previous post, I also feel the need to tell you that the story I initially shared, was only the beginning of a lot of pain to come. Upon returning from my ordeal, I found myself being confronted with both my mother and school screaming at me to explain my absenteeism, which led to me being suspended, then grounded, then ultimately homeless as I couldn't stand the abuse any longer. Just thoughts that's all, but it has also occurred to me, I have a lot to ponder from the realisations I incurred from writing my previous response.

thanks again, for taking the time to share your thoughts with me, take care.

(maybe not so)lessthanhuman

[MarkJT]

LTH, you have so much going on and hopefully going to stay on the forums and lets us support you so I think it would be a good thing if we concentrated on one thread. By having a couple of threads running, it can get quite confusing and can lose continuity.

Does that sound okay? If so, which one do you want to run with? This one or the one in "Suicidal Thoughts and Self Harm" section.

Mark.

[less_than_human]

Hi Mark,

Sorry for the delay in response, to be honest, I have been trying to just keep things light the past couple of days.

Thanks for taking the time to read this thread, plus I read your comment on my other thread. I absolutely agree to limit it to one of the threads, but I can't work out which one. I'm thinking this one would be better as it allows me to expand on the storyboard I have already started, which kind of was the start of all my suicidal thinking. But with all the trigger warnings and stuff, that kind of limits the conversation. What are your thoughts?

Also, I will probably give you a more detailed response tomorrow, but I just need to keep things light for the rest of the day before I do something I will regret, permanently, if you know what I mean?

Hopefully talk soon, take care

LTH

[white knight]

Hi LTH

thanks for replying.

Im sorry if I got congused with gender. I read " Being an effeminate naive and trusting 12 year old boy going on 9..."

From then on my mind was set on male gender. I still cant see where you spelled out otherwise...however, there is also another factor in that we champions here also carry our mental illnesses and among my struggles is focus and concentration. Hence it doesnt surprise me getting things wrong.

On a lighthearted note, back in 1977 I was a young warder (please dont disown me my kind friend lol) and I had an on again off again relationship which needed counseling. Well the LBGTI inmates gave me all the therapy I badly needed. Such warm hearted souls. I was 21 and most of these relationship "advisers" were much older....exactly the support I craved lol.

As a baby boomer I proud that I stand side by side with all people regardless of gender.

So, having said that Im so sorry if I've hurt you in any way. That would break my heart.

I have zero expectations of others. So I'm not expecting you to read my links. But if you do I'd love to discuss them. Ive got around 165 threads written and thete are likely mote that are applicable to your situation. So onwards and upwards.

Take care tonight. Time to cradle your heart.

Tony WK

[less_than_human]

Hello there WK,

Haha, no i won't "disown" you, as you put it. I think it's a noble job, not anyone can do. Someone has to keep the naughty people in line.

As for the gender thingy, in retrospect, I was completely aware I never stipulated other than being a young boy and thats why I made a point of addressing that immediately before communications continued, and please know I took no offense at all. I apologies for not making it clearer from the start. I was just trying to stay on track as well as I could, while trying to get the words out of my head and heart at the same time.

I'm glad you found guidance from somewhere, though I must say, it does seem a little unconventional, and reminds of a saying "A teacher will appear in one form or another, when the student is ready to learn", which I think means, nothing is too unlikely to teach you something, if your head is in the right place, or something like that.

I'm trying to stay calm at the moment, so I'll just keep it at that for now. I'll just keep reading I guess, but I hope to talk again. Take care.

LTH

[white knight]

Thankyou LTH

I feel better now. Lol. Glad you are reading and settling into this community.

Tony WK

[MarkJT]

LTH, your comment of, "A teacher will appear in one form or another, when the student is ready to learn", is just pure gold. I have never heard that before and if you do not mind, i want to use that.

I have re-read it a number of times and it is brilliant.

Mark.