Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Delectable]

I’m tired, I’m different to others, abnormal one would say. I started a thread to which I got no response except get on the internet and watch which a) I cannot afford. I cannot afford extra power expenses, the other flat here went up $40 pw, my lease is up in January. Finding $45 to see a doctor is unaffordable for me, I cannot go back thefts either. Queensland aren’t letting Victoria in, and I can’t afford quarantine, I would miss Christmas and that’s the only reason I’m going. Not interested in talking to people in real life, my friend in Queensland can be very bitter when she feels the need and seems to know more about my life, she keeps saying I don’t know how to do anything to the point I now will stop calling once a week and no she won’t bother to call as it costs her money and she has no idea of what poor is...people who have house internet and can eat what they please have no idea of what poor people really are like...they are 2 people on pensions, one aged and one disabled and a full time worker as opposed to someone on jobseeker renting. They fully own their house, nope the cards are up. I cannot go to Melbourne anymore to the cultural festivals as they are online, I cannot continue living and feeling like this...I always had a bad feeling about this year since early December last year....and I could never shake it....I should have gone home earlier but I didn’t and know I’m prisoned in my own house as I’m not allowed where I want to go and I have to avoid people where I live so I don’t hear their happiness or laughter or have to endure their staring and rudeness to me....what I love is over thanks to the covid and China, how people forget that they are responsible as they had it one year ago and kept it under wraps but still flew everywhere and infected everyone. Whether it’s man made is debatable, I won’t be dying of COVID-19 but of the repercussions instead. Thank you Hanna for caring.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

Sometimes just venting here on BB helps! Yep I understand having heaps of problems and it's blazing hot here today with no aircon.

What thread did you start apart from this one?

Is there anything you can do to make your days a tiny bit brighter? Is there a counselling/financial advice service that you could go to for help?

I don't know what to suggest except take care of yourself and keep on BB and try to get to know some folk here who at least will chat to you. Being lonely and isolated and with money worries sucks I know.

Stay as cool as you can in this weather, cheers.

[Delectable]

I don’t ’ require any financial help, it’s my mess and I’ll wear it. Though I don’t have to tolerate people who are cruel because they feel the need to be from my Hungarian friend, people know what right and wrong is and she doesn’t have a memory problem so there are no excuses,

Every time I speak she criticises me tells me I have no social skills, I can’t hold down a full time job, everything she says to me is negative and then she has the audacity to say I have the temper tantrums, she should look at herself in the mirror. Done with the bullshit, looks like I’m not going to Queensland now. It’s ironic her daughter that lives with her was once suicidal but her daughter saved her. I’ll be sending her a note before I go telling I’m going and she plays a part in it

[Delectable]

That should say daughters friend, I asked her to stop criticising me and to keep her opinions to herself....to which she swore a lot and said I was too hard work and I was too precious, all at 9.24am her time this morning. She doesn’t get up to 9am... I really don’t think people have any idea of how they affect someone else’s mental health, then they say they have no idea why they suicided.

My tolerance for people criticising is long gone, I’ve been criticised since birth and people can say that I’m sensitive but when you have had to endure trauma and loss, violence from birth to 17, you have seen your life share so why do people persist? I said does it make her happy to be such a ..... to me and why does she have to be so nasty which all fall on deaf ears, as since 17 onwards even though I escaped the situation people have continued, strangers bullying me in the kitchen in the army, and partners, and some female friends, not signing up for any more crap, I’m overtired and cannot think of one reason as too why I would continue living, either as a hermit/recluse or as a fool as I’ve been my whole life.

I started a thread about St Petersburg or Leningrad, to try and talk about life there.... I need to go home so badly on a plane to the other side of the world, where none of this crap exists, however that’s not possible and living here is slowly eating away at me.

[Guest_1643]

HI DL - sorry to intrude on this private conversaiton and I'll leave after this for sure but jut wanted to say how about starting a general thread about people who miss their home?
Altough not all of us are lucky enough to have been to St Petersburg and have that amazing cultural background - many of us are from other parts of the world. Then you could all share your stories abotu missing your home.
Some of us are from Asia, America, France, the Middle East, etc... We'd all love to share with u about our different experiences of losing home.
Re St Petersburg it sounds really beautiful. Again sorry to interrupt this amazing private discussion, hope you are able to find help with Hanna here. Have an amazing day.

[Guest_1643]

And sorry if that suggestion isn't a good one for you I just thought to mention it but please feel free to ignore and not let me interrupt your conversation. Cheers.

[Delectable]

My conversation isn’t private Sleepy, maybe I will try that. I don’t want to upset others on subjects that bring pain to them as for whatsoever reason they cannot go there either and are stuck here.

[Guest_1643]

hi Delactable - i know what you mean it's very hard to know how much to share without wanting to upset people. It's hard. Sometimes we will upset someone without meaning it, it can be unavoidable, I guess we jsut try our best. Good luck hope we can find some common ground on a thread.
There are lots of threads about people in distress and we manage through it - I don't find it triggering and am happy to hear whatever you say.... sometimes it helps to hear someone else is sharing the same experience. Glad I wasn't intruding .

[Delectable]

I cannot be thinking about home right now, yet alone post a thread about missing home...I would like to know if anyone has gotten DSP for a mental health condition recently if that’s ok to ask? People may think I’m lazy and should be working but I’m exhausted and not sleeping well, average 4 hours a night... can you get DSP if you’re classified as having ptsd and bpd;or I’m wasting my time?

[Guest_1643]

Hello Delectable - I don't know about the DSP - perhaps if you enter in the search bar for content on the forums "DSP" you will see some discussions come up related to that. Cheers.