Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Delectable,

Welcome to the forums, we are so grateful that you decided to join us. We are so sorry to hear that you're feeling so alone and tired of feeling like you are all by yourself. We hear that you are feeling overwhelmed and stuck and we acknowledge that this can be a lot to deal with. Please know that these forums are a safe, supportive space, free of judgement to talk about these thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to help support you through this.

Our Support Service are also currently getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you.

If you feel that you may be in immediate risk of harm, it's really important that you do contact 000 (triple zero). It's great that you are speaking to a psychologist currently. We would also recommend speaking with your GP and psychologist to have a discussion about how you are feeling and looking into frequency of the sessions and other possible options.

In distressing moments like these, please know support is always help available to you, whether it be from the friendly counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). These services are available to you 24/7 and you can access them as often as you need when things are feeling like too much to cope with.

You may also find Beyond Blue’s Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service helpful: https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/ Here you can find resources such as web chat and dedicated forums for support during this challenging time.

We hope that you can find some comfort in the words of kindness and support from our community. If you would like to post further, please feel free to tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

Kind regards,
Mod Support
 

[therising]

Hi Delectable

I wish I was there sitting right beside you as you face the overwhelming challenges that can come with the depths of depression. It can be such a dark, torturous and lonely place, that's for sure. I remember it well.

That feeling of never being good enough is a horrible feeling, which leads to so much self questioning, with the ultimate question being 'What's wrong with me?' It wasn't until I found myself outside of my depression that the questions started to take a turn:

• Why are so many people so incapable of actively loving me to and through life?
• Why are so many people lacking the inspiration and consciousness it takes to help me evolve through hardship and challenge?
• Why are so many people unaware of how degrading and insensitive they are and how do they justify excusing such degradation and insensitivity? What is wrong with them?!
• Why are so many people in my life so incapable of managing themselves in ways that serve the greater good?

Sometimes, what's 'wrong' with a sensitive person is their inability to fully sense the faults in others. Once you become sensitive to reading people, perception changes. 'I am easily lovable, yet surrounded by people who do not know how to actively love' is a revelation. By the way, I can't tolerate being basically loved. In my opinion, basic love is often lazy. Actively and deeply loving someone to life, is something which is felt on a soulful level.

You've tolerated much in life that I would find intolerable. Such neglect, such thoughtlessness, such hopelessness (from those who should have given you greater hope), such carelessness (from those who should have given you greater care) and so on. You are an amazing person who has risen to so many challenges that none would have chosen for themselves. You have raised yourself through challenges which would undeniably be exhausting. Challenges can be far less exhausting when we've got a 'co-manager' helping us.

The thought 'I don't know how to raise myself anymore and I just don't have the energy' is a thought which can be painful and challenging in itself. I will suggest you do know. You came here. This leads me to wonder what brought you here. Was it inspiration that suddenly came to mind or inspiration through another? I have found that one of the greatest challenges of all, in life, is - opening our mind to positive inspiration and following it, especially when everything feels so dark.

I'm glad inspiration led you here. I hope it leads you back 🙂

[Delectable]

Thanks but I’m sure there are more people who need the service instead of me, and I’m not going to risk getting locked up because of how I feel.

[Delectable]

I’m here because my psychologist suggested it, though no one can help me apart from the people in Melbourne and Sydney during the right thing regarding coronavirus because some people actually need to leave the state for their own mental health but can’t because of them.

I sure as hell won’t be going through this shit next year if it runs as long as the Spanish flu did, I have chronic PTSD, and this pandemic has driven people further apart.

People wouldn’t care if you were dead, they wouldn’t even realise as they are too absorbed in their selfish needs to care about others.

I hope some people learn something in this pandemic about caring for others, other then themselves. There are lots of people in my situation, and I bet they are tired of it all as well.

[therising]

Hi Delectable

It's definitely a time for discovering what we seriously can't tolerate.

I believe if we went into some 3rd lock down in Melbourne, the people would revolt and I can't say I blame them. I work in aged care and witness the impact all this has on older Melbournians. When you're in your 80s or 90s seriously wondering how many years, months or even days you have left on this earth, the last thing you want to be doing is 'passing the time' without family. Every second is precious. I understand the need for some of the strategies put in place but I do question many things the government has or has not employed during this COVID business.

I can remember during the 1st lock down thinking 'Where the heck is all the mental health support the government should be providing? This is going to get seriously challenging for some people'. There was so much focus on physical well being in the beginning, to the degree where the imbalance was truly questionable. I think it's a time where we're discovering what our mental health really requires. Does it require us to visit a friend outside a 5km radius, if it means life or death for us, if we're seriously depressed? Does it require us to vent more? Does it require us to make a conscious decision when it comes to whether we simply won't tolerate a 3rd lock down (heaven forbid)?

I'm glad your psyche suggested you come here. Here is where you'll find a lot of thoughtful people who really do genuinely care about each other. You'll also find people who will be able to uniquely relate to Post Traumatic Stress. Even though I don't face PTS, I can remember what it was like to find people who could relate to depression, while this was a factor in my life. I believe it was the first time I ever felt 'normal'. I loved feeling 'normal' in group therapy. In fact, it was a group of incredibly powerful people. We all related to how 'dysfunctional' people thought we were. Looking back, as mentioned earlier, I realise a lot of the dysfunction was around me.

I agree with what you say about a lot of people appearing selfish, insensitive and careless when it comes to others. It can be pretty mind altering and seriously questionable, when you realise how common it can be. Finding the selfless, sensitive and careful ones is a gift.

Again, glad you came here. Vent 'til your hearts content. That may take a heck of a lot of venting. I've found giving yourself the gift of venting like a maniac at times is naturally therapeutic.

🙂

[Guest_1643]

hi D,

I'm so sorry you experienced abuse and neglect,and can imagine and have experienced myself many times very insensitive and even abusive friends who do not offer support...

ptsd symptoms can be rough - i have them too.
i understand you don't feel comfortable to call any helplines and thats okay too. I hope you feel okay writing here and find some like minded people. You may also find comfort reading others stories - there are many here who have PTSD too and will not judge . No judgements as we have felt the same, most likely.

[Delectable]

Coronavirus people who break the rules should get instant jail, not fines. We had hardly any cases in the country until the Melbourne worker went to Kilmore and spread it there. Stay home people, font stuff it up for innocent people. Mitchell NV shire and Geelong need to be classified under Melbourne and the system needs to be on a postcode system not state. My friends live on the Sunshine Coast, I do not have any family since I was 13 years old, I’m now 48 and need to see a lady who I talk to on a weekly basis on the phone who I haven’t see. for 10 years. Seriously do you know how hard it is, doing life alone for 15 years, and supporting myself since I was 13. I don’t care about money but I need it to pay rent, nothing has been given to me. Everything I’ve worked for, and I’ve done some hard work, and still doing it, though very little these days as I live on the Victoria/ NSW Border and for 6 weeks we could not cross because of the Melbourne/ Mitchell fiasco. So many lost their contracts, not everyone works for an employer. I’m self employed so no one is paying me to sit at home, I’m a landscaper so kiss all my work in the border goodbye like others and just do state only which is ridiculous in a town of 2000 when your weren’t allowed anywhere because you weren’t in the bubble at the time. Those people regardless of where they live should all be put in a cell at a jail and all buried in the same hole. My life was difficult before, but it’s unbearable now. Waiting to see if I can go to Queensland depends on Melbourne really, a place 300 away. I know one thing, I’m not going through this shit same time next year.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable, i'm sorry you have been alone and struggling for so long, loneliness is a huge problem in our society and the pandemic isn't helping people who are living alone, it's very very tough. You sound as if you have had a tough life and you have been courageous in what you have managed by yourself. I wonder do you give yourself enough credit for how well you have overcome all the things you have had to deal with.

I can understand in the regions the restrictions on what you can do are hard to take especially as you want to visit a friend, single people alone need that company so badly.

I guess all I can do here is say there are people here who will offer support and if you stay around and maybe start a thread of your own on a situation you want to talk about, you will make friends on BB that you can talk to, even though it's only type it does help.... also the BB cafe is a good place to get to know people here..

Do you have a GP or any kind of support person to talk to, or is there any kind of community organisation there that can give you support? I'm just thinking off the top of my head so to speak... I know it's hard.

I truly hope coming here will give you some much needed help and support and online friends! Don't give up yet, you are a worthy human being. Do you have a pet of any kind that gives you company? I hope others here might come up with some ideas for you...

[Delectable]

Thanks Hannah,

I have a Gp but find myself repeating myself over and over, I see a psychologist once every 6 weeks, hard to get in when you live in Victoria these days.

No pets, have been told I’m too poor to have a pound dog so they eliminates a puppy from a breeder as well, it’s just me, myself and I.

I am a hands on person and need friends in real life, I find the online thing difficult, typing words to people I’m never going to meet... at least you can be honest because I’ve learnt real life people don’t like the truth,

People constantly tell me how resilient I am, but that’s not enough. People reach breaking points or get tired of whatever they have put up with, you can only take so much. 13 hours is very hard to fill in, when you have no work. There’s only so much exercise and cooking one can do per day, then you’re left alone with your thoughts well into the night.

Going to bed early every night so I can switch them off, apart from the nightmares.

Thank you for caring.