Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Delectable]

That’s ok, there’s plenty of people on here with other problems so that’s ok if others wish to talk to them, I don’t have anything to offer people, except honesty. Some people may think I’m feeling sorry for myself, that’s ok, that’s their opinion and they aren’t living my life.

I’ve never had many friends, when I was a teenager I didn’t have a teenage life, I missed out on friends altogether and I didn’t live somewhere where you had friends over, the other people I lived with , I didn’t have anything in common with them, the top dog told the girls to leave me alone as a girl called Kim said I’d have to be loose or do drugs which weren’t options for me. I watched people die of suicide, I watched a lot of things, then I lived with older uni students for a year and moved away from Melbourne... I had one friend but she moved away. Females over time have cut the contact and I dont chase them, people say I’m too serious, I have never laughed in my life so they are right. I do not smile as I have been degraded by too many listing all my faults and bad teeth is one of them. I’m too fat, bad teeth, serious, and so on. Tired of it all, that’s why I want nothing to do with them in real life, they can criticise themselves and not others and degrade them, I’m not interested. I’m in too much pain physically and mentally to care what people think about me, the next person that says something in real life I’m going to tell them to shut up

[Delectable]

Life is only going to get much harder as the income support is going back down, to the poverty level. I won’t be able to afford food come January , the job network provider said it’s ok to have bruises, that she still works and I should go to a specialist if I’m in pain, I said I can’t afford a specialist. I don’t think they get how poor people are on payments, I have had to see register doctors in the past as I cannot afford a proper gp or specialist.

I do have to see a specialist register 19 January...for my endometriosis, I have only been2013, 2019 and 2021 if I make it there. The gp said she’ll help me get a hysterectomy , hopefully that’s true as I have t had any luck in the last 7 years....

For someone who is a area district manager job network she has no empathy, why would you say to someone who has a bright red butterfly rash across their face go enjoy the sunshine when you can visibly see they are in pain. I have to go every fortnight there, I think it’s easier going to a non disability one as you only have to go once a month and look for 2 more jobs.
I don’t even have a return plane ticket for January, another expense if I’m even allowed to go....

All the odds are against me, I’m stuffed if my fridge or washing machine stop working, they are 15 years old, I won’t be able to afford to replace them with anything, I will be wearing the same clothes to the job network provider...every fortnight.

Pets of any type are out of the question as I’m too poor to look properly after them. I hope your little ball of fluff gives you much love Hanna.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

You need other people coming by here to talk, I am limited with my hand problem how much I can do here... I hope you're feeling better today. Endometriosis I think can be treated by burning off the areas affected, you may be able to avoid hysterectomy that's a huge operation.

I think jobseeker has been extended but with a reduced amount. Vinnies or Anglicare etc should be able to help you with vouchers for food and utiltiies - I know it's horrible having to beg for help but that's what they are there for. If your fridge etc break down they will often help to replace them with a second hand one, they competed furnished a neighbour's house where I used to live when he moved in with no money.

Is there any way you could get on a disability pension, I know the govt has made it very hard but worth a go?

Anyway sending best wishes for today. Cheers.

[Delectable]

That’s ok Hanna, please don’t feel obliged to come here. Look after yourself please, you do matter to others on here.

I will never ask for help from a charity, I was robbed and lost a lot 18 years ago and they couldn’t even give me a blanket so I haven’t bothered since.
I pay my own way with no help from anyone, anyway thank you again for trying to help.

It’s ok if you don’t come back for whatever reasons, all the best Hanna.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

I'm happy to come back and say hi to you but if I'm the only one posting here to you it isn't great as you only get to chat to one person... and as I said I'm a bit limited with typing... you can post on other threads and get to know people, you're on the games etc which is great - people will get to recognise you and come by and chat...

Hot and stormy here, hope things are better where you are. Cheers!

[Delectable]

As time goes by you accept how worthless you are and when you’re poor this cements your worth as well, as time bypasses you wonder why bother ? Life gets harder, things get dearer and your health gets worse...will be glad when I’m no longer feeling quite frankly.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Delectable,

Thanks for reaching out and keeping us updated on how you've been going. We're really sorry to hear that you've been struggling with these feelings of worthlessness. We can hear that with life getting harder and health worsening on top of all of this must be really tough to cope with. If you feel up to it, please also know that the friendly counsellors at our Support Service are always here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 if you're wanting a little bit of extra support tonight- you never have to go through this alone.

We hope that you can continue to find comfort in these forums, and please do feel free to express your thoughts and feelings here, whenever you feel ready.

[Delectable]

This is my life, loneliness. What I need is not possible, one cannot create miracles...

I’ve learnt my lesson after 48 years, its highly unlikely I’ll be able to go to Queensland now SA has the COVID-19 happening...and we are next door to them...I cannot do this much longer, waiting to see if I can go..I’m sure I’m not the only person needing someone at Christmas, 35 years of doing it solo has taken its toll. It’s hot where I live and you open the window as you can’t afford air conditioning and all you hear is happiness and laughter...35 days to go.

Please don’t feel pity for me. I hope all of you that have someone in a similar situation to myself that you reach out to that person and try to bring comfort to them, thank you.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

It's not pity, it's empathy, and many of us are in a similar situation believe me. It's hot and we don't have aircon and can't afford it, there aren't many friends, etc etc. You seem to be stuck in a groove - same worries about Queensland for Xmas, lonely but don't want to mix with people. Time to get out of that groove! Yep we all have our blah times, I am having them too, but you have to have times when you pull yourself up and give yourself a shake and try a different approach as you're not helping yourself dear lady.

There's no reason currently to think you can't get to Qld - the problem is in SA not Vic or Qld. Being isolated sucks, many of us have that same problem, and as I said before, it just takes one or two good friends, but you do have to get out and about to find them. It's fine to be particular about friends but you do have to go where some people are to meet any.. I know it's hard, I've met some doozies of lousy friends, but it doesn't stop me knowing there are some great folk out there that I can run into.

I do think if you started a thread on a topic that you would like to talk about that would encourage more people to come by and chat. Why not give it a go, that's how I met people on BB.

I hope you manage to feel better about yourself, is there one activity that you like doing, that give you pleasure, that you can do just to treat yourself. Do try.

I am concerned when I reply it can stop others from noticing you are posting here as your name doesn't come up as easily.. we are here to talk to each other and offer support, I hope it helps to talk to people here really I do. It's lousy feeling lousy. Take care of yourself and don't give up so easily, OK? Cheers.

[Hanna3]

PS, I forgot to say -

I got a portable air conditioner from a lady I ran into in the local park, who wanted to give it away as she was moving into a rental with ducted air con. I got it free and it's enough to cool the bedroom, not make it cold, but takes the worst of the heat off. They can be quite affordable and might help the bedroom at least. Best to put them on an hour before you want the room cool.

Just a thought!