Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

That's great that it all went well - how many people were there? Were you the only one cooking for it? I hope they said something nice to you about the food! I would never be able to cook for people like that, you should feel pleased that you've taught yourself how to do that and given people so much pleasure from a meal. That's terrific! You must need a bit of a rest today...

Yes I have painful arms and hands I was overworked in the years I was working and it's caused a lot of neurological problems.... I have to rest my hands as much as I can for a while. So glad the lunch went well, good for you!

[Delectable]

I cooked for 5 people, I helped the elderly people today, had a berocca to give me energy, have terrible bruising I have no idea why.

Alas in the older year we pay the price for what we’ve done for work...

They all said the food was nice...

[Hanna3]

Do you have any family at all that cares about you Delectable? Or just the friend(s) in Queensland? I know how hard it is it you don't feel someone is caring about what happens to you.. just wondering if you have a close friend or any family member that stands by you? Anyway hope you are recovering from all the baking etc etc etc!

[Delectable]

All my family are dead since I was 13 days of turning 5. My father lived to 2002 but intensely hated me since birth...I entered life with one aunt, and two parents. I have German heritage, my parents were born 1910’and 1924. I know nothing about mother’s side except she had a daughter in Germany who wasn’t interested in me... I have no one here, people would not even notice or care if I wasn’t here.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Delectable,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can lonely. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

I have two siblings but don't know where they live - both parents are long dead. So I do know something about what it's like to feel that you have nobody. I hope you will visit your friend in Qld at Christmas, I think the travel bans have been lifted or will be by Christmas.

I have found this a good place to get support, after a year of chatting here I have a few people I can "talk"to regularly and we have got to "know" each other quite well - honestly it has been a great help to me here. Stick with it here, go in the BB cafe and the games etc, gradually you''ll find the threads that suit you and people you get to talk to regularly..

After that the most important thing is to find at least one good friend and they are hard to find I know, but you only need one or two in your life to make a difference. I think they often turn up in our lives when we're not looking, so don't give up on that yet!

Pop by some of the threads and say hello in some and see how you go, or start another thread of your own about something that matters to you - how to manage friendships or something...

I truly do understand how hard it is when you feel nobody cares about you, but you will find there are people here who will honestly care. I know sometimes BB goes quiet and nobody seems to be around, but other times it's busy and fun - and someone will pop by at some stage and chat with you..

I'll drop by later today or this evening to see how you're going and how did the lunch go?

I'm alone, several of the people I chat with are alone, so we do understand.

It's getting hot here and i have to take little Sam out for a stroll by the river and get in some grocery shopping - you take care. Sending warmest wishes.

[Hanna3]

Hi again Delectable,

When you're alone like we are you just need one or two friends who DO know you and DO care about you. It's the old story of find people who share you interests, join things, be friendly - eventually someone will turn up that you can befriend.

Meantime I wonder if you have given yourself enough credit for what you have achieved with the lousy beginning in life that you had - and yes it was lousy. You have managed to work at a job, live alone, pay the rent, travel to Europe, teach yourself to do wonderful cookery. Have you ever stopped to think what an achievement all that is?

What we who live alone have to have in heaps is resilience, because it is tough to live on your own without a supportive caring family, it's really tough. And we do it, and I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for what that says about us - that we've had to be so independent and struggle and feel the odd one out and still we have kept going - and you have kept going.

I hope now you can find some "friends"here on BB to give you a bit of company and support and encourage you.

So realise how strong you've had to be, and keep going, because things can turn around in life... and people here will give you as much support and help as they can. Cheers.

[Delectable]

Thanks for caring Hanna, had blood work for

esr, Crp, b12, /folate, magnesium, zinc.

ana, inr, aptt, thyroid & gluten antibodies.

I woke to a red butterfly rash on my face yesterday, maybe I got too much sun sunday. I can’t get it to disappear.

Feeling very tired and drained today, the needle hurt ,probably because of the bruising. Only had 6 hours sleep last night, had the job appointment, they said I had to do gardening or cooking for the 15 hours work pw.

I said I’m not mentally or physically well to do anything at the moment. They said I must make progress, you can hardly say whatever, I’m exhausted, why can’t you see that?

I think I’m better isolated from people in real life, it’s easier so I don’t get hurt anymore, I’m tired of not being good enough for real life people.

I’m sorry your siblings have nothing to do with you, that ,must be very hard. I hope your life will get easier Hanna, you are an ice person, take care.

[Delectable]

Nice person

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

Sounds like an off day with the blood tests and job interview and lack of sleep... take it easy.

Being isolated isn't nice either, and on your own it's a misery - I think that's the bad day speaking... you sound like you're worth more than isolating yourself from other people... as I said it only takes one or two good friends to make a huge difference in your life.. and maybe a pet one day.. meanwhile don't give up or lose hope.. just take baby steps when you're tired out, and when you're feeling a bit better you can still come across one or two nice people... usually in unexpected ways... I met a friend out walking the dog... so you never know.

Good to see you here again.. I wonder about starting your own thread with a title that would attract more people than "tired" - as people don't know what that's about - just a thought... for you to think about.

Sending warmest wishes and cuddles from my soft fluffy little pal Sam oxox