Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Delectable]

I’m in a small town, I live in an old brick 2 bdr place, the cinema is 40km away on another state...I think a ticket costs $15. I was able to have heating this year which was nice as every year I go without, I was able to buy a ticket to go to the Sunshine Coast for Christmas. I was able to buy two people I thought were friends a beautiful gift from Italy, something they could enjoy forever, the liberal party so not understand poverty, and now with their new incentive for young people, older ones are going to get left behind. I’m with a disability provider, but I don’t get the pension. How they think someone with chronic pain can work beats me, for 15 hours per week. I wanted to sell food from home but don’t have social skills with people and no one messaged me via Instagram anyway, just liked my photos. I worked for the army for a short while but couldn’t relate to the people, one guy an ice user gave me a really hard time constantly, I hated the split shifts which I went walking on, the late starts and late finishes, the work was boring and unchallenging, I tried a few other kitchens but they all said I was unsuitable, one woman said I wasn’t happy enough. Well if she had chronic pain and a life without love she probably wouldn’t be happy either. Employers should keep their opinions to themselves, I’m struggling as it is without more attacks on me, I’m not looking forward to the agency appointment Tuesday, they want to fix the ptsd as they said it’s fixable. Whatever I feel like saying, they don’t know the significance of the trauma I’ve endured and same as the liberals they don’t care, I’m just a number and if they find me a job they get the money mind you they have never found me anything. Maybe I’ll have to go back to gardening 15 hours a week, my car is getting old so I’ll have to walk everywhere now...I don’t know why helping the old people in the garden will count, I’m not getting paid but I’m helping people who genuinely need it.

[Delectable]

That’s why I don’t see the point continuing, what for? Chronic pain, poverty, things are only getting dearer, my rent goes up every year, I don’t have to pay for water which is good. Loveless, lonely and chronic ptsd that I’ve had always, it wasn’t diagnosed. When I was in state care I learnt you’re a nobody, I’m the fool for trying to fit where I’m never going to fit.

[Delectable]

I know the back pain is unbearable without any pain relief, what makes doctors think it’s ok to make people suffer?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Delectable,

Thank you for posting here and letting us know how you are doing. We are so sorry to hear you are suffering from so much pain and hardship. It sounds very diffcult. Please know that these forums are a safe, non-judgmental space for you and that there is always hope. We are also getting in touch with you privately.

You have mentioned you see a psychologist. Aside from that, should you ever feel like having a chat with a caring counselor, there is support available.

We can hear that it feels bleak right now but please know that you are a valuable and worthy individual who deserves the right kind of support. We are here for you.

[Delectable]

Thanks, but no one can make me feel better, I’ve been to counselling, beforehand. My psychologist can’t even help me right now, it’s the effects of how people have treated me in real life, you can’t change it or ignore it. When I was in state care my opinions didn’t matter, I learnt then that adults were correct regardless if they were or weren’t. I cannot change the way I think, the trauma has had too much of an impact plus my genetics do not help as they probably had trauma for all the violence they carried out on me. My own mother cut all my toys up with an axe, left me in dark rooms all day and night, my parents fought and drank every day then my foster mother belted me with everything she could find from the belt to things out the kitchen, she would cut my clothing up. There is no way I can change my thinking about my childhood or teenage years if you can call them that, getting raped by a fellow who lived there first time I entered state care aged 13 and they didn’t believe me because they were loose girls and they just assume everyone was the same...what all those people did to me was not ok and I will never forgive them even though they are dead. People know what right and wrong is and I’m sick of hearing about people who think I’m the one that has to forgive, that will never happen. I am the way I am because of what those people did to me, and they got away with it. So yes I’m exhausted of It all. My real mother got sick early and she wanted out by not going to the doctor even though she was a nurse, and knew better. Anyway the mother’s died at an early age, both of cancer. karma maybe for all the shit they gave me...and my father well he killed himself at 91 because the pathetic thing couldn’t go into care yet he had no problem dumping me at the hospital at 13 and putting me into state care. I made the best of the cards I got dealt, I could have turned out like those loose girls I lived with getting abortion after abortion nut I didn’t, back then I was different to others and I still am.
concentrate on helping people here that are worth it more then I’ll ever be, help someone who matters to someone else, there’s plenty of them here.

[Delectable]

Re helping old people in the garden should say won’t help.

Too much pain last night to do the stairs, will have to do tomorrow...the usual day. Will make the cake this afternoon to save time, I’m awake at 5am anyway

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

Sorry you're having a down day. So many people struggle with being poor and unable to pay bills/food etc especially in these times, sometimes it helps me to know so many other people are dealing with the same problems...

I wonder if there is something you can do regularly that is a treat for yourself? I find it helps. Yesterday I blew ten dollars on a take away meal for dinner because I was having a rotten day and I needed something nice for myself and I haven't treated myself to anything in ages. No I shouldn't have spent the money but I say it was a mental health issue!

It can be just a coffee out, or an ice cream, or sitting at home having a nice cuppa and a slice of cake with it and just enjoying yourself for half an hour - have the tea out of your favourite mug...anything that is something tiny you can do to pamper yourself.

Just to let you know people are thinking of you and are trying to understand and listen to you. Take care.

[Delectable]

Thanks Hanna, i don’t need anything that costs money, I need people to treat me well in real life, then it maybe possible to continue.

I have made the cherry almond cake and the filling for the tomato farcies, bread to make into breadcrumbs for tomorrow.

I did 16kms on the exercise bike in 38 minutes...I just push myself regardless of the pain, I think back to my youth and remember the pain I was in then.
I went for a walk today amongst the trees for 5 km, have to show the doctor I’m consistent in the exercise though I didn’t do any Tuesday or Thursday, I try to do it 6 times a week.

Today I’m watching a DVD on destination Scandinavian, it’s about food.
thank you for trying to understand, I know I’m not like most people, always the odd one.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

I haven't been able to type today due to pain in my arm, I hope your lunch went OK, I'm sure it did.. you must be tired.

How was the Scandinavia film... and let us know how lunch went. Just a short post tonight as I have to rest my hands. Cheers.

[Delectable]

Hope you’re ok Hanna, pain is unbearable and hard to fix, if it’s all fixable. Still in pain myself and all my bruises are coming back, I went through a bad patch of them in June as well on my legs, some are on my arms now.

The lunch went ok, I didn’t poison anyone. It was nice to see some people I haven’t seen for 14 or 16 months because of coronavirus and the bushfires. I didn’t speak much, they didn’t ask how I was, just talked amongst each other....fall asleep at 7.15pm, as I was up at 4.30am.