The trauma of fear

[white knight]

On the phone today. A 77yo friend male, talking about a dispute in his "men's shed" with his president, explains the conflict at a group meeting. among that story he tells "so I replied to that president "if I got off my seat you'll be on a one way trip to the hospital". My body begins to shake listening to this.

My fears. No it isnt due to 3 years as a prison officer 40 years ago, nor conflict from people while carrying out my duties in semi law enforcement work over 4 decades. I know the origin- the excessive domination of my mother over us kids, the instant yelling to cause us to jump out of our skins, the emotional blackmail that surprisingly lasted well into adulthood, the fear of how our father will slap us when she meets him at the door hours after a conflict with her earlier that day, the lack of praise and so on. The seeds of anxiety were sown early in life and compounded till 27yo in my case when the volcano of emotion exploded. Now I write about it today

How effective is putting fear into someone? Well, I'm about 130kg, strong, past experience in defending myself in my jobs and my mother? 90yo now, 5'3" tall and alive and well, so I'm led to believe as I, along with my sister, have had zero contact for 11 years (our choice). That's another story but briefly she had ruined my first wedding (1985) and threatened to ruin my second (2010). Why? control, jealousy, demanding of attention, but most likely imo a denial all her life to seek help for some mental illness that likely resulted in us 3 siblings suffering. Both my sister and I attempted suicide in the 1990's, our older brother carried it out in 1978 at 26yo. All 3 of us kids bipolar.

The ramifications of fear from a parent can be so effective that I'm well aware I will fear her following her passing. Why? The echoes in my mind of her voice, the sternness of it, the control like being in a emotional straight jacket and her listing all the punishments she can think of, all the time laughing.

The guilt also lingers. See, when you have a bad parent and you are trying to cope, if that parent also had nurturing in her veins when you were young, that creates guilt. How could a nurturer become so evil, it must be my wrong judgement of her? Those seeds of guilt were in her pocket.

I know that to cope with this fear I have to live with it. But I'm working on forgiveness. Not to her directly but within myself. To forgive her for being cruel...nah, only pursue challenges you can succeed at...

TonyWK

[mmMekitty]

Hi White Knight,

90? was that correct? No worries whethr it is or not...me being a curious kitty, as usual. 😸

I'm 62, & I look over my shoulder & eventsm while seeming so long ago, also feel too close, still. I am pleased I still don't hear my (ex-)step-mother's voice, or my father's voice literally echoing their words & feelings as I once heard them. I know I will still tend to back down, trying to be smaller & hopefully, disappear, in the face of conflict, or when someone is yelling & screaming nearby, not even directed at me.

& I also still will defer to another's choice, rather than be assertive, because of the fear about conflict, the feelings which still arise in me, being exactly what my (ex-)step-mother said I was, & fear of not having any support, being left feeling defenceless because my father refused to intervene. It's a big mix of what their relationship was being projected onto us kids. My father dealt out the physical punishments, as well as some psychological crap, too.

I came to fear approaching either of them. I felt like a target or a game piece.

Long years later, when I look at the family dynamic now, when I consider what I now know, or the contradictory info I have from a couple of us, I can only conclude, neither my father, mother, or (ex-)step-mother were mentally healthy human beings. Many problems arose from their own pasts, & many arose within the present, & more have formed since, because I doubt any of us kids came out of our childhoods unscarred.

*

In othr situations, I've seen parents do quite fearful things, yet their children (inexplicably to my mind) love them, & would endure much more if only to stay with them.

My family has split into fragments, & I barely feel anything for them anymore. Just my Sis, & I fear the closeness I feel redeveloping with her, over this last year. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to express it. It's like something foreign to me.

mmMekitty