Bored & Depressed

[24yearoldgirl]

For those of you who don't know already, I've been a carer for my mum since 2016.

My mum is not physically disabled but has a lot of current health problems. She had a head injury in 2010.

She can be manipulative, and is very dependent on me to stay around for the extra money. I also help clean etc.

I'm now 25, have no friends or job qualifications. Everyone is encouraging me to leave, but I'm finding it very hard to breakaway!

I have a lot of trauma & depression, I've started to hear voices, such as "get a job" "get a life" how ironic. It sounds like a neighbour is harrassing me though, and it's happened at two different apartments.

All of my doctors want me on a medication, which can cause nightmares and fatigue etc. So I'd rather not take it!

I've been researching jobs, however i'm worried that if i leave my mum will have a worse quality of life, and be sleeping in the car. Due to lack of housing and money etc.

When we are living together, we can afford a nice/decent apartment to rent. But i'm kind of bored with my life and being isolated.

[Sophie_M]

Hi 24yearoldgirl,

It's great to hear from you. Thank you for updating us on how things are going for you and with your decision to leave home. 

It might take some time for the community to spot your new thread, so do feel free to pop back and share this update with the lovely community members on your previous thread. 

The Beyond Blue helpline is here for you as well, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here. We also think it could be useful for you to call Carers Australia on 1800 422 737. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk. 

Thank you again for sharing this here.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Ggrand]

Hello 24yearoldgirl,

Reading your post shows what a beautiful caring person you are..wanting not to leave your mum so she can have a better quality in life...

I’m wondering if you are able to do some volunteer work to give you some experience in working and meeting new people or if you did get a job, if it is still possible for you to stay living with your mum until other arrangements can be made for her welfare with getting some supports in action for her...speaking to a social worker at your nearest hospital or with you GP....

You could even look into groups that you have an interest in to connect with new people who could eventually become friends...

Talk here anytime you feel up to it, dear 24yearoldgirl..

Grandy...

[24yearoldgirl]

Thank you Sophie_M and Ggrand, sorry for the late reply..

I will get around to calling the Carer's line soon, tomorrow hopefully.

Unfortunately, my mum does not want the help. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to pack and leave. My mum drinks a lot, and wants me to pay for dinner and groceries everyday, because she "does not have enough money". Luckily, she does pay half the rent.

I have been accepted for a diploma in music study next year, since i love to play piano and have a thing for composing music. If I accept this offer I would have to pack and leave my mum, and then find stable accommodation around the location of the study.

I'm finding it a lot to deal with, the guilt of feeling responsible for my mum.. and then the hearing things, feeling like people such as my neighbours are talking about me.

Hope everyone is well

[Not_Limited]

Hi 24yearoldgirl

Such a lot of pressure put on such a young head.

Just a couple of thoughts for you. I don't know your mum, so it is definitely not something to take as gospel, but your mum seems to be using a lot of controlling techniques to manipulate you, which may include you believing your mum will be homeless and living in a car. There are a lot of options for your mum before that would happen. When were are in controlling relationships, we become very isolated, lose the ability to provide for ourselves, lose faith in ourselves and our abilities, question do we have a right to think of ourselves even for just a minute. The tug and war games are deflating and the guilt we are made to feel debilitating. The question to ask yourself, however, is her life and happiness that she chooses for herself more important than the life you haven't been allowed yet to make any choice over or live. If she chooses to not accept help from anyone, or do things to help herself, is that really on you? They are her choices after all.

If you could do anything, go anywhere or have anything - what would they be? What do you want to do with your life? Who do you want to be?

[24yearoldgirl]

I’ve been looking into flatmates for myself to study and work next year.. this would be a new start for me and I’d be able to meet other people.

My mum is set on keeping me around for the extra money.. she drinks a lot more than 4 glasses a night of wine.

I do agree with her that she’ll probably be sleeping in the car if I leave because it’s soon Christmas and school holidays. The price of a motel or tent site is out of her budget.

I can’t decide for myself, because I feel tied to think about her too

[24yearoldgirl]

I’m just venting here because I have no one else to talk to, feeling stressed

have two options -

1. Move into available rental with mum, we both have somewhere to stay and I can get a casual job on top of my carers role

2. I take that big leap and go to study and work next year, meet people and stay in flatmates. - but mum will be living in car. There is no available housing right now unless it’s really dodgy!

A tent site is 40-100$ over Christmas school holidays. Mum cannot afford to rent by herself so therefore she is dependent on me for the extra money.

either way I’m feeling extremely guilty and selfish if I leave mum.. and if I stay I’ll be on carer pay till I’m 30 and have missed out on an opportunity to study.

[24yearoldgirl]

I’m struggling to find the meaning of my life.

I was put onto carer payment in 2010 because my mum had a head injury.
fast forward 12 years, and what is meant to be a happy new year, I’m struggling to make major life decisions.

I have been approved to study a diploma in music, as I like to play piano and compose.

My course starts very soon and I have found a potential share house which means I would no longer be a carer nor living with my mum.

My mum said to me once, why would you want to give up an regular income. I wonder if she is manipulating me to stay on carer pay, I also worry about how she will cope on her own because she does have health problems.

plus we are in a middle of a pandemic, and I wonder whether my course is worth doing.

I’m worried that if I cancel my study, that I would be stuck in the same place my whole life, no friends or job or achieving anything.

sometimes I feel like giving up

it sounds all the same because it is the same situation and I am unable to make a decision

[ThrivingNow]

Hi 24yearoldgirl

I believe that happiness in life comes from balance. Work and play, family and friends, planning the next 5 minutes and the next 5 months. I had a desire to increase my circles of friends. I went onto Meetup, found a group that did bushwalks and did some of those. I met interesting people, got exercise, fresh air and perspective. I am now dating someone I met in one group.

I don't think you can change your mum. It's not your job to. You can change yourself one step at a time. I recommend sticking with your diploma. I heard a young lady singing and playing piano in a public space recently and she had far more talent that I could ever hope to achieve. I respected her and the hard work that she had put in. I recommend joining a group and meeting new people. There are events happening constantly everywhere. Parkrun has started back up on Saturday mornings. You are allowed to take some time for you. Even if you don't move house, you may achieve some direction and some balance in your life.

All the best.

[24yearoldgirl]

Thank you ThrivingNow, I have just read your post.

I agree, that my mum will never change. I've really tried as much as I could to be a Carer, I've taken on a lot of guilt for my situation. My mum never goes for walks, and still drinks a lot every night.

She is manipulative, and I'm finally starting to realise that her behaviour towards me is unfair, and is causing me a lot of damage.

My diploma starts next month, something to look forward too at least.

Kind Regards